Tag: Motherhood

Posted in Akira, Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Malynah, Maylana, Meditation, Romance, Self Reflection

🧘🏻‍♀️🌱🍚⚖️🧹🧺 Dear Diary, Meditation has become a new commitment for me,

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

a journey toward healing and letting go of burdens.

It’s been a rough start to the day. Since Friday evening, I’ve been feeling upset and struggling to shake off this frustration. It’s like I’m not being understood, and my kindness and patience are being taken for granted. But there’s one person in my corner, and I’m incredibly grateful for their support. They encouraged me to shift my mindset away from a victim mindset and see challenges as opportunities for growth and elevation in my life.

My children have been a source of  comfort, and today, they helped lift  my spirits. I managed to sleep in a bit  and was treated to breakfast, aka,  brunch in bed, a rare but appreciated  gesture. It was a mix of chicken and shrimp lumpia, maple sausages, and rice-perhaps a nod to my Asian  heritage. My middle child even made me almond milk with Hershey’s  chocolate syrup, which was a delightful touch. 

I tried distracting myself with TikTok, but a phone call changed my mood from gloomy to motivated. After some cleaning around the house, we headed out. It’s been great stocking up the fridge with drinks, snacks, and  groceries, making our home a  comfortable sanctuary. We pay so much for rent, but we often overlook the comfort of home in favor of spending more money outside. 

As I decluttered and refreshed our  living space, I reflected on the  importance of making home a safe  and welcoming place. It’s a continual  process, balancing new additions with  purging and cleaning. But as long as I  maintain balance, I’ll be okay. 

We attempted to visit the State Capitol Park World Peace Rose Garden, but it was overrun with  prom-goers. Seeing them brought back memories of my own milestones and reminded me of the ever-changing nature of life goals.  Relationships, careers, and personal  growth have become the new milestones, and finding genuine love and connection becomes increasingly valuable in today’s chaotic dating world. 

As I grow older, I realize the importance of health, wealth, and cherishing life’s simple pleasures. Our bodies age, our energy wanes, and our priorities shift. It’s crucial to  make wise decisions and nurture  relationships while being mindful of our own well-being. I’m grateful for every day I’m given, for my loved ones, and for the  opportunity to work on myself. Meditation has become a new  commitment for me, a journey  toward healing and letting go of  burdens. I’m eager to overcome challenges and obstacles with grace and continue aligning myself with my goals. 

I pray regularly for us all to make good decisions, hold ourselves accountable, and remain open to growth and change, never settling into stagnation. May we all pursue our passions, show kindness, and express gratitude, recognizing the brevity of life and the blessings we often take for granted. I’m deeply grateful for every day I’m given, striving to continually improve myself and be present for those I love and care for.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing

🧖‍♀️🏋️‍♀️💅🕐🛒  Dear Diary, My new mantra—”It ain’t that deep”—

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

is a reminder to relinquish the burden of overthinking and embrace the transient nature of life’s tribulations.

At 6 PM, the day began splendidly shortly after my departure from the salon with a fresh pedicure and new nail set. Engaging in an invigorating session with my personal trainer, I embraced the opportunity to diversify my workout routine, exploring novel equipment and techniques aimed at sculpting my body into an hourglass figure, a vision I hold dear.

Following the training session, I lingered at the gym for an additional two hours, relishing the chance to connect with friends and glean further insights into optimizing my workouts, particularly focusing on enhancing my glutes. The camaraderie and willingness to share effective exercise methods among fellow  gym-goers underscored the supportive atmosphere, prompting me to reciprocate by offering a listening ear and sharing my own expertise.

Reflecting on the day’s interactions, I pondered the value of empathy and understanding, recognizing that each individual possesses unique experiences and capabilities shaped by their respective journeys. Mutual respect and appreciation for diverse backgrounds fostered a sense of community and camaraderie.

Upon leaving the gym, I embarked on a quest for nourishment, leading me to venture into an unspecified area colloquially known as the “ghetto.” Despite my anticipation, the culinary excursion proved disappointing as the food was cold and lackluster, prompting a decision to seek culinary satisfaction elsewhere.

My journey took me to a 24-hour WinCo in Placer County, where I stocked up on groceries and attended to personal matters while reveling in moments of solitude within the confines of my Mercedes-Benz. Subsequently, I sought refuge in a familiar late-night eatery, appreciating the concern expressed by loved ones regarding my whereabouts, especially given my nocturnal inclinations.

Reflecting on my upbringing and the virtues instilled by my parents, namely discipline and resilience, I acknowledged the significance of delayed gratification and the intrinsic value of earning one’s rewards.

Cruising home with $300 in groceries around 2am down the Interstate 80, I immersed myself in a period of introspection, grappling with the complexities of grief and the toll it exacts on emotional well-being. I’ve come to accept things as they are to an extent and found solace in the simplicity of a mantra—”It ain’t that deep”—a reminder to relinquish the burden of overthinking and embrace the transient nature of life’s tribulations.

This mantra resonates deeply with me. It’s a reminder that most things aren’t as profound or complex as we make them out to be. We tend to overthink, but in reality, nothing is truly that profound. Each day, I strive to shed the burden of overthinking, understanding that nothing in life is permanent. Even if something feels significant, its depth is often fleeting, lasting only moments or hours. Only major life events like weddings or funerals hold enduring depth. The arrival of a newborn reminds us of the cycle of life, where one life begins as another ends. Amidst this whirlwind, I find solace in reflection, pouring over past journal entries to gauge my growth and discern what truly matters amidst the noise of desires and needs.

As I chronicled my thoughts in a journal, I contemplated the cyclical nature of healing and self-discovery, drawing strength from the resilience cultivated through past trials. Despite the uncertainty that loomed on the horizon, I remained steadfast in my aspirations, harboring hopes of expanding my family and relishing the joys of parenthood.

In the quietude of the night, surrounded by the echoes of my musings, I found contentment in the realization that, ultimately, I possessed all that I needed—a resilient spirit, cherished relationships, and an unwavering resolve to navigate life’s ever-unfolding journey.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Ariyah, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection, Travel

🌟  Dear Diary, With the clock striking 11:11 p.m., I make a wish,

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

a silent invocation for abundance and fulfillment, both material and emotional.

As the day transitions into the serene embrace of the night, the weather outside whispers of tranquility and possibility. Yet, within the confines of my mind, a storm brews, as if I have awakened with a predisposition towards conflict. Amidst the tumult of my thoughts, understanding feels elusive, like grasping at mist in the early morning light.

Nevertheless, I resign myself to the enigma, recognizing perhaps it’s akin to a bond, an intangible tether that binds me to the mysteries of my own psyche. Despite the uncertainty, there’s a sense of attachment, an invisible thread weaving through the fabric of existence, drawing me inexorably forward.

Anticipation swells within me like a rising tide. The prospect of travel ignites a spark of excitement, prompting me to commit wholeheartedly to my plans. Setting aside a substantial sum, I envision myself wandering the vibrant streets of Los Angeles, indulging in leisurely brunches, and witnessing the celestial ballet of sunrise and sunset, all while nestled with a book in hand, perhaps accompanied by a piña colada.

My gaze falls upon my temples, now more pronounced, a subtle reminder of the passage of time. Yet, in their prominence, I find a certain charm, reminiscent of a beloved figure—my grandfather—with his endearing dimples. Though frailty shadows his form, his spirit remains a beacon of admiration, a testament to resilience in the face of life’s adversities.

Reflecting on familial bonds, my thoughts drift to the unspoken burdens borne by mothers, grappling with the elusive pursuit of love amidst the chaos of life. While some may find solace in romantic fortunes, for others, such aspirations remain distant dreams, overshadowed by the weight of circumstance.

Glimmers of joy beckon like distant stars in the night sky. The prospect of a pilgrimage to Disney World fills me with childlike delight, while the allure of a simple yet elegant leaf necklace becomes a tangible goal, a symbol of personal indulgence amidst life’s demands.

Turning inward, I find solace in the rituals of self-care, a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. With each gentle caress of skincare, I find myself shielded from the ravages of time, a fortress against the inexorable march of age.

A somber note intrudes—a loved one, Ariyah, grappling with the cruel specter of cancer. Her battle became my own, a reminder of the fragility of life and the importance of empathy in the face of adversity.

As the night wears on, I eschew the trappings of makeup, reveling in the purity of bare skin. With the clock striking 11:11 p.m., I make a wish, a silent invocation for abundance and fulfillment, both material and emotional.

In this moment of reflection, I embrace the promise of the future, welcoming the unknown with open arms.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, parenting, Uncategorized

🤕🏥🪻🏝👒 Dear Diary, Taking a step back to focus on self-care

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

seems imperative now.

At 1:22 AM, I find myself reflecting on my current state. I’m munching on some leftovers from yesterday, a stark reminder of the scarcity of food I intake, which likely explains my persistent hunger and restlessness. I’ve been struggling to sleep, resorting to forcing myself into a state of rest. Recognizing the need for a dietary boost, I contemplate stocking up on nutritional and protein shakes to support my health and hopefully restore my equilibrium.

Today, my oldest daughter’s words of encouragement resonated deeply. Her assurance that I am organized provided a soothing balm for my frayed nerves. Her perspective reminds me that my stresses are but specks in the grand scheme of things. Recent interactions with my daughter, Maylana, have revealed a protective streak within her, a testament to the depth of our bond.

I yearn for respite from this perpetual state of stress and exhaustion. Taking a step back to focus on self-care seems imperative now. My children, meanwhile, were off exploring the world at Turks & Caicos over the weekend, and my youngest is still out of state returning by the week’s end. Their tales of adventure consist of hermit crabs, snorkeling, and days and days of swimming in the clear waters on the beautiful island, collecting sea shells and watching the sunset.

Today’s interactions include a café sit-in for coffee and a shared cooking session with my oldest daughter later in the evening. Navigating the complexities of relationships weighs heavily on my mind.

Communication, patience, and mutual respect are paramount traits I strive to embody in my interactions with loved ones. Despite setbacks and frustrations, I persevere, cherishing the journey of life.

Posted in Akira, Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, parenting, Self Reflection

🦋🥛🎡🌄📷 Dear Diary, Today unfolded as a day of introspection and gratitude.

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

Despite grappling with the challenges of aging,

I found solace in the inner peace and youthful spirit that still resided within me. Though my body and mind may undergo changes, I’ve come to accept and embrace the natural progression of life. In a society fixated on concealing signs of aging through cosmetic means, I advocate for a different approach – one that prioritizes inner contentment and confidence.

Reflecting on my influence on others, I’m humbled by the impact I’ve had on those around me, particularly my loved ones who witness both the highs and lows of my journey. Their appreciation for my outlook on life, characterized by a pursuit of peace, love, and happiness, fills me with gratitude.

The morning brought simple joys as I sat with my daughters, planning breakfast and engaging in a round of card games. Through these activities, I seized the opportunity to impart valuable lessons to my children, teaching them about memory, patience, and the acceptance of both success and failure.

Amidst the rush of daily routines, a tender moment with my youngest daughter, Akira, reminded me of the beauty in simplicity. As I helped my youngest daughter out of the shower and dressed her, we both applied lotion. She looked up at me and uttered those precious words, “Mom, your face looks pretty.” Her heartfelt compliment, one she shares with me often, never fails to touch my heart. It’s a simple gesture that reminds me of the beauty found in the everyday moments of motherhood. Her genuine compliment about my appearance, delivered with innocence and sincerity, touched me deeply. Despite my disheveled state, her words reaffirmed the unconditional love we share.

The experience of using Google often stirs up a range of emotions within me, particularly when old memories resurface – whether they’re from 14 years ago, six years ago, or nine years ago. Recently, I found myself delving into a trove of photos, prompting me to share them with friends. Among those recipients was my best friend, Bao Nguyen Lee, from childhood, with whom I exchanged heartfelt text messages, expressing my deep appreciation for our enduring friendship. It’s moments like these that remind me of the value of lifelong connections and the importance of acknowledging the bonds that have shaped my journey. As I expressed gratitude for her unwavering support, I marveled at the bond shared among us, united by the journey of motherhood and the trials of life.

Overwhelmed by emotions, I found myself immersed in memories and nostalgia, spurred by glimpses of the past through old photographs.

Lately, I’ve been busy crafting meal plans and tackling errands, but I’ve come to realize that these tasks are integral parts of life’s journey. It’s not solely about reaching specific destinations; rather, it’s about embracing the experiences woven into each day – from preparing meals to running errands. Alongside these daily routines, I find joy in sharing the wisdom I’ve accumulated with my loved ones, witnessing their growth and vitality. As I navigate the process of aging, I welcome the evolution of my mindset, ever hopeful that I’ll continue to grow and adapt to life’s ever-changing circumstances.

A glimmer of hope emerged as I contemplated the possibility of finding a true companion – a confidant who understands and accepts me unconditionally. Beyond mere romance, I yearn for a connection rooted in genuine understanding and mutual respect, a bond that transcends the passage of time.

In these moments of reflection, I am reminded of the richness of life’s tapestry, woven with threads of love, friendship, and personal growth. As I continue on this journey, I remain hopeful for the enduring companionship and meaningful connections that lie ahead.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, parenting

🤮✍️🦋🌬🧸 Dear Diary,  I’m hoping my writer’s block is gone.

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

My mind has been racing and I have never wanted to do a brain dump so badly. After 2 failed attempts at writing last night, I gave up and like Beyoncé to Hova, I shined like a star. Sometimes people don’t understand that just because we lost the last game, we’re not ultimately at a loss. That’s never the case. As long as you’re alive, you can get back in the game anytime. I was on a winning streak and whoever was on my team couldn’t hold up, that’s all. It’s okay, I got you, and I’ll try to hold it down for you. When you lose, we lose, remember that and vice versa. You can try to remain undefeated but every player has his or her limits. You just have to take a break, rest, recover and come back when you’re ready don’t push yourself too hard.

This is my first time coming to the gym so late. I guess it’s a single living thing, I’ve been in such long-term relationships that all ended with engagements but there’s no white dress, yet. The time currently reads 8:56 PST. It feels good to be here. I wanted to dip in the jacuzzi and let my body reap the benefits of this gym membership but I can’t seem to find any of my many swimsuits. I didn’t anticipate that the weather and my needs would change so drastically. At one point my goal was to find true love and get married this year, now I just sit and laugh. I’m re-prioritizing my goals in life.

When I picked up my daughter from a long weekend at her dad’s, she seemed to be feeling well. Her eyes had a sparkle in them, she made eye contact with me and held it. She completely adores me and I love her with all my heart. I wanted her to grow up with both parents but we’re going down separate paths and doing our best to appreciate life apart with a new approach. Some things are inevitable. Communication is key but no matter how strong you or both of you may be, connections die and sometimes you’re no longer in alignment. Complicated is an understatement.

By 3:00 am I woke up to her crying and after giving her multiple reassurances to go back to sleep something seemed off. I later discovered that she had some kind of stomach bug over the weekend. When I turned on the lights, I realized that she vomited all over her bedding and was very uncomfortable.

Unlike men who can vomit loudly, abruptly and not to mention violently, children’s vomit is fairly quiet and in short, unfair. Again, I’ve had my share of many things in life. As an advocate and mother of a toddler who was diagnosed with ATRT brain cancer at age 22 months, I cleaned a lot of bodily fluids.

It may sound like a chore, but it wasn’t because when you love someone unconditionally, especially your child,  you don’t think about yourself. You only think about them. What can I do to make my child feel safer, more secure, and better? It’s simple, just like what we look for in relationships nowadays. We look for reassurance, understanding, help when we’re sick, and zero judgments. Love.

I cleaned her up, sanitized her hands, face and removed all of the contaminated bedding, and laid her back down to rest. My poor child, I would exchange places with her if that were ever an option. I lay in bed and felt awful. My mind tried to jog back to when my dear Ariyah was sick, damn- we live in a cruel and unpredictable world. Everything was copacetic, who would have thought an illness could get out of hand and change our lives in the blink of an eye?

I redirected myself to rest but it was impossible. I lay there, listening to the sounds of the rain on my Alexa echo dot. Baby girl comes in, she declares that she needs to brush her teeth. I helped her rinse her mouth instead, my previous research highly advised against brushing her teeth after vomiting because you might contaminate her enamel with bacteria. Please confirm, I’m not a professional and I still brush my teeth post vomiting, twice if that helps.

To have to hold a job, pay for everything on your own without any support, and strive to maintain a certain lifestyle and family dynamic is something I make look so easy. I barely get 5 hours of sleep sometimes. I have grown to enjoy life as it is. So many people aren’t comfortable with who they are and they haven’t gone through the healing process after experiencing a multitude of trauma. I’ve had my share of life changes and readjustments since March last year and it feels like it’s just life’s karma. I keep my head up and I cry at times because it does get overwhelming but I have never been happier at the end of the day to be a mother to all of my children including my slightly estranged stepchildren.

A wave of nausea hit her, she showed signs of panic and anxiety. As the feeling tried to convert into actions, she grew upset and hit her stomach. My heart broke. My sweetheart, my dear child. I grabbed the empty waste bin and encouraged her to “spit” it out. I continued to tell her that it was okay and that I will help her. She cried. I pulled her into my arms and gave her a big hug and gently kissed her forehead. I cleaned her up and by 4:00 am, she fell asleep, she couldn’t hold down much water and was exhausted. I stayed up until my girls started waking up for school at 5:45 am.

Life is worth living, I don’t want to miss out on my children’s growth. I have always wanted a large family. I recall being in a girl’s group back in high school, we circled each other ate our lunches chatting, and asked questions about our “future”. One of which the question was how many children we wanted, and my answer was 6. My children will forever have my heart, my guidance, and my support. I’m so blessed and grateful to have them in my life. They continue to fill the void in my heart, and their innocence keeps me optimistic, loving, and nurturing.

I have finished my cycling, so it’s time to wrap up this blog entry by giving recognition to those who are parents as well as those who have and don’t have parents. In general, everyone is inclusive. You are doing great, I’m proud of you. Life isn’t easy, keep your head up, change is constant, and keep pushing forward. Nothing- the good, the bad, the stillness- none of these moments are permanent. Stay optimistic, what’s yours in life will come to you when it’s your turn. Timing is everything. Be patient, keep loving, keep healing, and live a life without judgment. ✨️ Good night, sweet dreams.

Posted in Blog

🧠🫀👸🎂🍤 Dear Diary, I don’t fear the unknown at all, I always knew what to expect since day one.

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

I have an angel baby in my life, this year she would have turned 10. My oldest daughter turned 11 years old today. I’m at an age that contradicts my physical appearance but age is just a number.

I made reservations for us today but upon her request, they were canceled. That’s my daughter. Humble. She can be a lot but she is always worth it, she wanted to have a crab boil and lots of shrimp so I delivered.

Intuition. I always listen to HER and it seems as if SHE never brings me good news. At a glance, she is a destroyer of dreams, peace, and assurance. Like a tsunami, she comes in and destroys everything within hindsight. She washes it away and here I stand, stronger than ever. Still alive. Ready to rebuild, yet, again. Home is a feeling, that’s it.

I only knew of commitment, longevity, loyalty, and tenderness, and yet I entered a dangerous world by choice and I’m learning each day that the heart is fragile. I will never settle for less.

Love is what keeps us going. My heart gets flooded with feelings of determination on the mornings I’m driving my girls to school and childcare. I take care of my little girls because I love them, without conditions.

I’m excited about my trips this year. I am focused on elevating every aspect and experience in my life. I will eventually find someone to accompany me or vice versa where we complement each other in all aspects.

My daughter called me to check in on me before going to bed, I wished her a happy birthday once more. I can still hear the melody of our cousins singing happy birthday slightly off-sync, then the room goes dark after the candles are blown out.

The darkness lasted for a very short period and that is what it is in life. Darkness can only stay as long as you allow it or welcome it. Such darkness can take away the quality of your life as long as you allow it. So, turn the lights on. Don’t let the darkness consume you, have faith that these waves and these bursts of darkness are acts of faith, all to protect you from bad energy. Only the strong would be able to withstand such storms or darkness.

We all get to choose light, just know that we both can have our lights on at the same time. Yours can be bright but eventually, you’ll want something dimmable. Our life changes are constant, just know that my lights will stay on. I am surrounded by love and that light shines brighter than anything.

Thank you to everyone who’s been giving me ongoing love and support, I’m beyond grateful for you all. I’ve drawn some healthy boundaries for me, for you, for us and I hope we can just live in our light. However, if it ever gets too dark and you need a little bit more light, I got you. I’m solid.

🐝 Seeing you growing and glowing through time is enough purpose for me to keep loving, giving, and accepting the never-ending demands in life. This 10th Chapter is officially closed. Over and out.

Posted in Blog

🚘🥘🐝👁🌧 Dear Diary, let’s take a trip with me today.

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

Imagine you somehow come into the frame of the scene of my ride home with my girls. You would feel instantly how happy I am feeling right in that instance. It’s been a long day and I’m driving us to pick up my prescription. From there, I am heading to Wells Fargo and then, last stop, the clubhouse. I did my deed and now we’re almost home. We stopped by mc Donald’s for dinner. I have been cooking, eating, and sleeping all weekend so my Monday blues took me out all Sunday night until 4 am. Next thing you know, it’s 5:30 am and my girls are passing me by to get into the bathroom to begin their morning routine.

I hope I am not the only one who feels guilty about this, but I aspired to have my life so put together that I can walk my kids to the front gate like a normal person and not look dead tired, stressed, and out of sorts. My biggest issue is fighting for more time in the wrong places. Wanting to read and scroll through TikTok and the online retail therapy access will eventually bankrupt me at this point. That says a lot about how I see life, it’s bad, no point stressing it and, in short, “treat yourself queen!” kind of energy. Yup, I will always take risks, I haven’t been the type to fall and even when I have fallen, there are levels to get to rock bottom and I don’t allow myself to get there ever. I always feel that it’s a short time window before the bad times are over. That is how focused I am on the positive.

Stop. Now focus. We are in the car again, my heart is full. This life is and will always be worth living as long as I have my girls, they are my life and my inspiration. When you want something and you have to get it, lose it, wait, and earn it, you will value such “things” more than others. That is what I would say how I’d define what delayed gratification means. It’s having to wait and accept that you don’t get access or control of the situation but waiting and hoping. 

Besides the fact that today was a complete fail, well, not complete, partial fail – I took my win when my daughter couldn’t keep her eyes off of me. I am a silly mother so I said, “boo!!!?!” and we laughed, I proceeded with, “are you looking at my lashes?” She confessed and expressed her awe at my lash length. That’s right, my lashes were long and I wasn’t wearing falsies or individuals. Thanks to the Loreal mascara “real” model who isn’t an “influencer” so delivered her technique in acquiring a falsies mascara application lash look that shows length and volume. I’m obsessed and can’t wait for my lash comb to arrive. I didn’t realize how simple techniques really can change the game. The techniques don’t even require excessive knowledge or unattainable tools, it requires effort.

I am not a gatekeeper and therefore, I took the time to pull up the video and even silenced my radio for her to hear. I’m so mind-blown that I relate it to life, dating life in particular. I am blown away by the idea of a charismatic, charming, and forthright approach. What a gem it is to put zero effort into dating and just show up as your most authentic self. Make it two.