Motherhood – Page 4 – Dear Diary,

Akira, Amy Douangmany, Ariyah, Blog, Healing, Malynah, Maylana, Self Reflection

💝💭🫀🐅🐾 Dear Diary, There is something incredibly beautiful

Posted on October 1, 2024October 1, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

about being a woman, especially a mother to daughters.

It feels like such a special, almost magical connection to share a similar energy with them. And if you’re lucky, like me, to be a girly girl yourself, surrounded by women who are the same—your mom, your kids, your sisters—it feels like an endless thread of experiences and conversations. There’s always something to talk about, something to bond over. I think it’s so amazing how women can connect like that. If life weren’t weighed down by all its stresses, I feel like we could be even more connected, as human beings should be. But the way society is structured sometimes causes challenges for people, especially those less fortunate. It creates these divides, placing people on different levels of life instead of seeing everyone as equals. The best way I can explain it is by looking at tax brackets—such a clear example of how people are categorized and separated.

I’m also really proud of myself because I made it through my first week of a caffeine detox. I know the advice out there is to ease into it and not quit cold turkey, but that’s exactly what I did. I guess I don’t always like to go with the flow. Sometimes I feel like going against the grain is important. It’s about experiencing something for yourself, even if it’s tough, so you have a story to share, a lesson learned. It gives you a unique perspective, like, “This is why it’s hard, but here’s what I gained from it.” I think there’s something beautiful about taking a different path, even when it’s the harder one, because it shows courage and bravery. It highlights how different we can be from one another, and that’s what makes us special.

Today, I’m feeling really good, almost emotional in a way that brings tears to my eyes. I’ve been feeling so disconnected from the people I love the most in life, especially my mom, my sisters, and even my dad. Life has a way of pulling us in different directions, but the friends I’ve made along the way—they’ve been my steady anchors, always within reach. My family, too, even when we drift apart. I think it’s normal to go on our own journeys for a while, but what matters is that we always find our way back to each other. That bond will always be there.

Life is full of ups and downs, but I truly believe that if you look for the good, you’ll always find it, no matter how tough things get. Even when chaos and obstacles come your way, the journey is the journey. And no matter what, I know I’ll get to where I’m meant to be.

Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection

🌁🖼🎨🎻🪫Dear Diary, Life can only be appreciated when you focus

Posted on July 18, 2024September 1, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

on giving negative issues less attention.

At the end of the day, we have to remember that we entered this world at the exact time and date we were supposed to. When our time comes to an end, we’ll take our exit at whatever time and date that’s destined. Adopting the mindset that I was meant to come into this world alone, go through everything alone, and leave alone has given me a clearer perspective on how to see the world.

It’s so important to navigate different circumstances, obstacles, and challenges with grace, hope, and wisdom. Ultimately, these qualities are the key to protecting your peace, setting boundaries, and creating the life you want to live. I realize I could have been more firm with my boundaries in the past. Setting clear boundaries is something I’ve been making progress on.

Life can only be appreciated when you focus on giving negative issues less attention and continuing to pour love into yourself, forgiving yourself, and accepting that not everything is within our control. We’re all living for the first time and trying to heal from various things in our lives. I’m hopeful that everything that has happened to me was meant to happen, and I will triumph through the good and the bad.

Sometimes, it means minimizing trauma to face value. But in my personal time, when it’s appropriate, I allow myself to fully process and heal from those traumas. People might not understand that I don’t have the leisure or luxury to maximize my traumas due to the responsibilities I carry in my life. The way that I process my feelings and evaluate the events in my life are for me to understand and is ultimately my responsibility in where the opinions of others are just merely that, opinions.

I hope we can be good to each other because life is short. If things could be simplified, we could all benefit collectively from better communication, understanding, and empathy. I hope these days of feeling this way will eventually stop so I can finally breathe and face controversy without fear.

My concerns and intentions to address my concerns are genuine and valid. I’m just trying to get through life with the people I want to spend it with—my children, a few friends, and family. It is a very small, tight-knit circle that’s mostly inaccessible. I will always love those who love and support me.

I pray that I am continuously protected, time after time, again and again. I aspire for that day to come where I’m able to feel safe existing and being my authentic self. I look forward to focusing on the little things that matter to me. Right now, nothing matters more than my kids. That’s all that matters to me then, now and will forever always be through this lifetime of mine.

Akira, Amy Douangmany, Ariyah, Blog, Healing, Malynah, Maylana, Self Reflection

🦋🪺🕊🐾💧 Dear Diary, We’re all experiencing life for the first time

Posted on June 24, 2024September 1, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

and it’s far from easy.

My throat is very dry and raspy, so I’m drinking some Aqua Panna natural spring water from Tuscany.

One thing about me is that I struggle with drinking water. I’ve always been bad at staying hydrated, and that’s probably why I decided to invest in higher quality water.

Now, I feel a bit better. Thinking about my mom, I’m grateful every day for her, despite her strictness when growing up. Now that I’m an adult with my own children, I love my mom so much. We often don’t understand how hard it is to be a mom, trying to raise multiple children while also learning and living life for the first time, just like our parents or children. We’re all experiencing life for the first time, and it’s far from easy.

I appreciate my mom doing her best to raise me with simple values like mindfulness, understanding, patience, and respect. Nowadays, respect seems so rare. Sometimes, we need to understand that people can only love as much as they love themselves. If they don’t love themselves, it’s impossible for them to love others.

I was up looking at my Tiktok campaigns, and one of them is the Feed Your Wild Side campaign. I joined because I felt a wild, fun, and free-spirited side to me exists. I submitted three videos, but one got rejected because I accidentally removed a letter from the account name. That was disappointing because it showed five years of being a mom to my youngest, capturing a very intimate relationship with her. Things have changed over time, but my love for my kids is the most valuable thing in my life. I look forward to continuing to create memories with them. My wild side revolves around being a mom, and I wouldn’t change that. There are struggles in parenting, especially as children growing to be adults find their identities, which can take a lifetime.

I plan to continue loving myself as much as I can so that I can love them. It always starts with ourselves, and the love I have for them is a testament to how much I love myself. I’m constantly trying my best to get out of situations that don’t serve me or my purpose. I encourage everyone to do the same. Don’t let your life be limited by people who want to keep you on standby with no regard to your personal struggles or need for support because it’s just unnecessary baggage that’s not needed. The way people treat you reflects how they feel about you, and once you accept that, you need to move with grace and not subject yourself to a lifestyle that doesn’t serve you.

Negative emotions can really affect your well-being. Feelings of being burdened, resentment, being gaslit, manipulated, or lied to can be detrimental to your mental and emotional health. So, choose yourself every time. The economy is rough, and nothing is promised. Live your life and share it with people who make you feel purposeful and passionate.

I don’t enjoy being in survival mode ever. I feel like I’ve done my part, being patient and understanding, thinking about others’ positions without any reciprocation. It’s rare to find someone who does something for you without reminding you of it. Genuine love shouldn’t come at the expense of your mental, physical, or spiritual health.

I’m thankful for my mom. The more I think about her, the more I realize it’s a parent’s lifelong responsibility to influence their children to be good, respectful, and mindful people. Sometimes it’s hard to accept things as they are, rather than as we wish them to be. But I’m coming to terms with it, and I think this will set me free.

I pray for continued wisdom, patience, and guidance. I hope that the good I put out will eventually align me with someone as real as I am. I don’t want to be in a relationship where my values are disrespected, where there are no morals or commitment to love and marriage. I hold my body, mind, and soul sacred and hope to make the best decisions for my future. We truly live once, and if we do it right, it’s enough.

Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection

🚢 🚣‍♀️ 🏊‍♀️ 🚀 👩‍🚀 Dear Diary, Tonight feels like I’m at Point Nemo.

Posted on June 23, 2024September 1, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

I feel like I’m probably closer to space than I am to Earth at this point.

I feel so disconnected from certain individuals. I don’t understand why I can’t escape this feeling of being burdened and imprisoned by outside energy.

The water is calm where I am. The sun isn’t too hot. I can hear the leaves rustling on the trees and feel the movements of life in the waters surrounding this island. I am probably in a hammock in a bikini with a very adorable cat soaking up the sun. This cat of mine would have a round face, big fluffy paws, and her name is probably going to be Sailor Moon or Mooncake. Or Cupcake. She’s going to be part of my journey when the time comes, and I look forward to meeting her and having her accompany me, sooner than later.

I seek stability, structure, affection, and reassurance—all of these things that I keep putting out. But either my expectations are too high or others’ expectations are too low, and I feel disappointed.

I refuse to believe that the love I hope to acquire one day, the love of my life, doesn’t exist. I ask for simply what I’d give—the love that I put out. I want just that, if not more, and it seems almost unattainable. I’ve made peace with such possibilities, and I’m okay with focusing on just connecting with my inner self, nature, and everything in between. Maybe this is the epitome for me.

The lights on my balcony may not be much and may not cover a lot of space, but they’re on my balcony. People see them, they acknowledge them to themselves, and they’re beautiful. Dimmable. That’s me. I’m a balcony with lights on it. I put out light—not always, but I put out light. I aspire to be remembered, especially for having a reputation for putting out light, no matter how dark or bright it is. It’s consistently on when it needs to be, not necessarily as a reminder, but as an identifier. I am this lighted balcony.

I’m on the balcony, rocking back and forth with two scoops of orange sherbet ice cream in one hand and iced coffee in my pink, Stanley, 30-ounce cup nearby. The day started at 96 degrees, down to 86 degrees in the evening, and the temperature will continue to drop to about 66 degrees by midnight.

That’s when the lights are on and brightest in my home. That’s when I’m awake while the world is asleep. And I’m okay with that because maybe I’m just not made for this world. Maybe in another universe, we can be on the same schedule for once. Just maybe.

I’m going to dim my lights to an all-time low, but when I turn up the brightness, don’t stare and brace yourself because you could be blinded by how bright these lights can get. It’s still dimmable. Only on my command. Unlimited lumens.

Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, parenting, Self Reflection

🧖‍♀️👩‍👦👭👼🐈 Dear Diary, I’ve been on a journey of seeing the good in people

Posted on June 6, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

but now it’s about seeing the good in me.

Today marks yet another milestone for me. Last night, I had the best sleep in a long time. It’s as if my worries are gradually leaving my mind and life. I’ve been reflecting a lot, especially on the cycle of life and our existence. We live day by day, and it’s essential to see each day as a gift.

I’ve been on a journey of seeing the good in people, but now it’s about seeing the good in me. I see the good in myself and acknowledge the good I deserve. This morning, I stretched, turned, and tousled in bed, almost reluctant to get up. I realized I was fully rested for the first time in nearly two months. This feeling brought reassurance, and I approached my day differently than usual.

I hopped in the shower and shampooed my hair, excited for our first family portrait in two years. The last time I tried to do it myself, my hair was faded and didn’t look right in the photos. I might try to edit those old photos again to bring them to life. But today was wonderful.

Life’s challenges aren’t always visible; they can be psychological, mental, or emotional. As women, we face these challenges monthly with our periods, compounded by additional stresses. It’s overwhelming, and I commend everyone who perseveres.

We often don’t acknowledge how gracefully we navigate each day, especially in today’s economy. Many of us enter this world without resources, family, or friends. But today, I felt good. I captured a few behind-the-scenes moments with my children, filling my heart with happiness. My passion for life centers around my relationship with them. I’m eager to understand their thoughts and personalities as they grow, influenced by people, teachers, celebrities, and little things that catch their attention.

I strive to continue to be an idol for them. When times get tough, I want them to think of how hard Mom worked and how she always made things happen without tolerating drama or gossip. I choose kindness, and when I can’t, I choose silence or empathy. This emotional intelligence and awareness have strengthened my character, reputation, and credibility.

We went for a nice fancy dinner, and I focused on quality time and sharing ideas with my children rather than spoiling them with luxuries. As they grow older and understand hard work’s value, I’ll introduce them to the more finer things. I’ve learned that sometimes we self-sabotage and miss opportunities for healthy relationships by being passive.

I’ve become protective of my presence, energy, and the details of my life. I no longer share my plans or achievements with everyone. There’s peace and security in executing plans and experiencing rewards for oneself. Mistakes teach resilience, and not everyone needs to know your wins or losses.

As the night concludes, my heart is full, and I’m grateful for the memories created with my children on this special birthday. I wouldn’t have wanted to spend it with anyone else but them.

Cheers to another year.

Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Meditation, Romance, Self Reflection, Travel

👰🏽‍♀️⚘️🍸🎁🪡 Dear Diary, Today, I make a solemn promise to myself:

Posted on May 27, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

One day, I will no longer cry because of the pain others have inflicted upon me.

I will rise above the hurtful feelings, the disrespect, and the sense of not being good enough.

People’s negative thoughts and words about me have weighed heavily on my spirit while I struggle to survive and make the best of each day. Despite their efforts to tear me down, I tell myself that I will not cry. I will keep a straight face, perhaps with a knowing smirk.

But beyond that, I aspire to smile and laugh. I want to be pleasant and joyful in every moment of my life. If I were to cry then, it would be only tears of joy, seeing the fruits of my labor, the values I instill in my children, and the love I share with the man I choose to be my husband.

I’m starting to realize that looks only go so far, especially as I grow older. I can’t maintain what others expect of me forever, but I can ensure that I take good care of myself. I will continue to vibrate at the highest frequency, manifest my dreams, and exude my divine feminine energy, my genuine heart, and pure beauty.

I seek to be valued and respected by only the purest forms of love. Just because you are unaware of it, it exists, particularly for me. Therefore, I will ultimately be on the path to where I need to go. I will always be on time, arriving exactly when I am meant to.

Just know that much, dear diary.

Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection

💭🍷🏛🎠⌚️ Dear Diary, I’m starting to realize that I am ready to gatekeep every little thing about me

Posted on May 17, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

because I’m on a different path now. My path is all about peace and privacy.

Today, I feel good. It’s a very interesting kind of good because, amongst all the chaos, distractions, and overthinking, there’s something good about just doing things. Not going places and socializing, or sleeping or sitting—anything stagnant. It really surprised me today that just getting up to clean, constantly focusing on cleaning, putting stuff away, cooking, and just focusing on eating—these little tasks really keeps me occupied. I’m using my day today to semi-disconnect from people.

As I reach out to people, I’m starting to realize that I must re-evaluate my stance with individuals I reach out to. Life is about priorities – people, events, and things important to you will always hold priority. Those that don’t obviously won’t. Of course, I know this because I deal with life the same way. It’s okay not to be a priority in everyone’s life, as long as the people I prioritize also prioritize me. I think that’s fair.

There is something about being understanding that we need todwell further in. Being understanding means you’re nice, and good girls always finish last. It’s always the villains who have that darker side that comes off as stuck up or too much to handle yet those people usually suffer less because no one can access their time, energy, or personal life. I’m on my way down that path right now, where I don’t feel the need to overshare. Even when it comes to my intellect and intelligence, I don’t believe that everyone should have access to it. As I continue to grow wiser over time, with my experiences and the different obstacles and challenges in life, I’m starting to realize that I am ready to gatekeep every little thing about me because I’m on a different path now. My path is all about peace and privacy because what people don’t know, they can’t attack. What people don’t understand, they will confuse, and they will try to define it in a way that can either hurt or help you. So, the less you speak, the less you show and tell, the less damage or intervening they can do in general.

I value the idea of protecting myself as an individual, including my goals, my plans, and my attempts to recover any happiness that I’ve lost over time. Not only do I intend to recover happiness that may have been taken away from me, especially without my consent, but my intention is also to increase and add to my happiness. I am so excited about this journey of mine into this new era.

For now, the journey has been going well. Too well.

Toodles.

Akira, Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Romance, Self Reflection

💫🫶🏼🧖‍♀️🦚🥂 Dear Diary, Time really is of the essence.

Posted on May 16, 2024May 17, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

It is important to live a life with purpose.

It’s been a while since I wrote.

And with everything going on, there’s so much to write about.

Suddenly, off I go into a world where my time seems to constantly slip away. There never seems to be enough of it, and it’s being filled with a bunch of nothings and some things. I know none of this makes sense, but it’s okay. Because somewhat, somehow, it makes sense to me.

I poured in hot water and closed the lid to my ramen bowl. I walked towards my bedroom, and I felt good. My room is a mess. I haven’t fully unpacked from my vacation, so things are once again out of place. I look up at the ceiling; it is spinning, and I feel tired yet restless simultaneously. I allow my thoughts to consume the moment.

Have you ever spent so much time telling yourself not to think about someone while doing it at the same time? Have you ever had to experience a pain that relives itself multiple times a day, every single day, for about a month now? And that pain seems to have a never-ending level of hurt. Right when I feel like I’m hurting so much, I feel like there’s always more pain to be felt.

There is something that I’ve been yearning for. I can’t seem to get there, at least not yet. But I feel like when I do, I will feel this just as intensely and consistently and persistently as the pain I’ve had to endure every single day. I’m starting to appreciate myself more because I don’t feel like people fully appreciate me enough. And I’m starting to realize that they can’t appreciate me enough because they don’t even know how to appreciate themselves. They don’t know what to appreciate at all, actually.

Time really is of the essence. It is important to live a life with purpose, to move with purpose and intention because, in order to grow, you need to continue to find your purpose, passions, and intentions. You need to continue to stimulate your mind and challenge your thinking process.

I have this feeling that maybe manifestations do come true, and when they do, it might be in the best form ever, in the most genuine and craziest ways. I feel like I deserve so much, and maybe, maybe it’s just a matter of time for everyone and everything to get lined up. Maybe it’s all worth it in the end because, for everything that I’ve been through, I feel like I deserve it. I deserve the most sincere love, the most intentional love and support, and the freedom that I’ve always wanted to have. I feel like I’ve been trapped in a world of hopelessness and constant struggling, and you know, I really feel like I am ready to receive. I’ve taken the steps to heal, to be the best person that I can be at this moment, and I welcome changes, challenges, and opportunities because I am worthy of them and I will never hesitate to prove that.

Akira, Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Malynah, Maylana, Meditation, Romance, Self Reflection

🧘🏻‍♀️🌱🍚⚖️🧹🧺 Dear Diary, Meditation has become a new commitment for me,

Posted on April 27, 2024April 27, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

a journey toward healing and letting go of burdens.

It’s been a rough start to the day. Since Friday evening, I’ve been feeling upset and struggling to shake off this frustration. It’s like I’m not being understood, and my kindness and patience are being taken for granted. But there’s one person in my corner, and I’m incredibly grateful for their support. They encouraged me to shift my mindset away from a victim mindset and see challenges as opportunities for growth and elevation in my life.

My children have been a source of comfort, and today, they helped lift my spirits. I managed to sleep in a bit and was treated to breakfast, aka, brunch in bed, a rare but appreciated gesture. It was a mix of chicken and shrimp lumpia, maple sausages, and rice-perhaps a nod to my Asian heritage. My middle child even made me almond milk with Hershey’s chocolate syrup, which was a delightful touch.

I tried distracting myself with TikTok, but a phone call changed my mood from gloomy to motivated. After some cleaning around the house, we headed out. It’s been great stocking up the fridge with drinks, snacks, and groceries, making our home a comfortable sanctuary. We pay so much for rent, but we often overlook the comfort of home in favor of spending more money outside.

As I decluttered and refreshed our living space, I reflected on the importance of making home a safe and welcoming place. It’s a continual process, balancing new additions with purging and cleaning. But as long as I maintain balance, I’ll be okay.

We attempted to visit the State Capitol Park World Peace Rose Garden, but it was overrun with prom-goers. Seeing them brought back memories of my own milestones and reminded me of the ever-changing nature of life goals. Relationships, careers, and personal growth have become the new milestones, and finding genuine love and connection becomes increasingly valuable in today’s chaotic dating world.

As I grow older, I realize the importance of health, wealth, and cherishing life’s simple pleasures. Our bodies age, our energy wanes, and our priorities shift. It’s crucial to make wise decisions and nurture relationships while being mindful of our own well-being. I’m grateful for every day I’m given, for my loved ones, and for the opportunity to work on myself. Meditation has become a new commitment for me, a journey toward healing and letting go of burdens. I’m eager to overcome challenges and obstacles with grace and continue aligning myself with my goals.

I pray regularly for us all to make good decisions, hold ourselves accountable, and remain open to growth and change, never settling into stagnation. May we all pursue our passions, show kindness, and express gratitude, recognizing the brevity of life and the blessings we often take for granted. I’m deeply grateful for every day I’m given, striving to continually improve myself and be present for those I love and care for.

Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing

🧖‍♀️🏋️‍♀️💅🕐🛒 Dear Diary, My new mantra—”It ain’t that deep”—

Posted on April 26, 2024April 26, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

is a reminder to relinquish the burden of overthinking and embrace the transient nature of life’s tribulations.

At 6 PM, the day began splendidly shortly after my departure from the salon with a fresh pedicure and new nail set. Engaging in an invigorating session with my personal trainer, I embraced the opportunity to diversify my workout routine, exploring novel equipment and techniques aimed at sculpting my body into an hourglass figure, a vision I hold dear.

Following the training session, I lingered at the gym for an additional two hours, relishing the chance to connect with friends and glean further insights into optimizing my workouts, particularly focusing on enhancing my glutes. The camaraderie and willingness to share effective exercise methods among fellow gym-goers underscored the supportive atmosphere, prompting me to reciprocate by offering a listening ear and sharing my own expertise.

Reflecting on the day’s interactions, I pondered the value of empathy and understanding, recognizing that each individual possesses unique experiences and capabilities shaped by their respective journeys. Mutual respect and appreciation for diverse backgrounds fostered a sense of community and camaraderie.

Upon leaving the gym, I embarked on a quest for nourishment, leading me to venture into an unspecified area colloquially known as the “ghetto.” Despite my anticipation, the culinary excursion proved disappointing as the food was cold and lackluster, prompting a decision to seek culinary satisfaction elsewhere.

My journey took me to a 24-hour WinCo in Placer County, where I stocked up on groceries and attended to personal matters while reveling in moments of solitude within the confines of my Mercedes-Benz. Subsequently, I sought refuge in a familiar late-night eatery, appreciating the concern expressed by loved ones regarding my whereabouts, especially given my nocturnal inclinations.

Reflecting on my upbringing and the virtues instilled by my parents, namely discipline and resilience, I acknowledged the significance of delayed gratification and the intrinsic value of earning one’s rewards.

Cruising home with $300 in groceries around 2am down the Interstate 80, I immersed myself in a period of introspection, grappling with the complexities of grief and the toll it exacts on emotional well-being. I’ve come to accept things as they are to an extent and found solace in the simplicity of a mantra—”It ain’t that deep”—a reminder to relinquish the burden of overthinking and embrace the transient nature of life’s tribulations.

This mantra resonates deeply with me. It’s a reminder that most things aren’t as profound or complex as we make them out to be. We tend to overthink, but in reality, nothing is truly that profound. Each day, I strive to shed the burden of overthinking, understanding that nothing in life is permanent. Even if something feels significant, its depth is often fleeting, lasting only moments or hours. Only major life events like weddings or funerals hold enduring depth. The arrival of a newborn reminds us of the cycle of life, where one life begins as another ends. Amidst this whirlwind, I find solace in reflection, pouring over past journal entries to gauge my growth and discern what truly matters amidst the noise of desires and needs.

As I chronicled my thoughts in a journal, I contemplated the cyclical nature of healing and self-discovery, drawing strength from the resilience cultivated through past trials. Despite the uncertainty that loomed on the horizon, I remained steadfast in my aspirations, harboring hopes of expanding my family and relishing the joys of parenthood.

In the quietude of the night, surrounded by the echoes of my musings, I found contentment in the realization that, ultimately, I possessed all that I needed—a resilient spirit, cherished relationships, and an unwavering resolve to navigate life’s ever-unfolding journey.