Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Meditation, Parenthood, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, Tonight the moon…

looked almost complete…

… as if it had decided to leave the smallest secret unfinished. Maybe that’s how healing works too—not all at once, but in quiet percentages that only reveal themselves when we stop measuring them.

Some evenings don’t ask to be extraordinary. They simply ask us to show up.

Tonight felt like one of those evenings.

There was laughter carried by the wind, lights dancing against the evening sky, and melodies drifting through the air. Thousands of people moved together, yet everyone seemed to exist inside their own invisible constellation. It fascinated me how we could stand shoulder to shoulder with strangers and still travel through completely different worlds.

I wandered slowly.

Not because I was lost, but because I wanted to notice.

I searched for familiar corners, memories that once felt permanent. Some were still there, while others had quietly transformed into something new. Maybe it wasn’t the place that had changed. Maybe it was me.

Memory has a way of editing its own photographs.

As children, adventure feels like speed. We race toward the tallest ride without wondering how it was built. Fear arrives only after the laughter.

As adults, we notice the details. The height. The movement. The possibilities. The responsibility. We become protectors. Observers. Careful architects of what if.

Sometimes I wonder if growing up isn’t about becoming fearless.

Maybe it’s about learning how to keep choosing joy while carrying caution in the same hand.

There were shared treats that somehow tasted sweeter because no one finished them. A little bit of this. A little bit of that. Enough to satisfy curiosity more than hunger.

Maybe that’s another lesson.

Not everything beautiful has to be consumed completely to be appreciated.

Lately, my mind has been organizing itself.

Shelves that once felt cluttered are beginning to sort themselves without force. Priorities are becoming quieter. Decisions feel less rushed. I’m learning that discipline isn’t loud—it whispers. It simply asks us to return tomorrow.

Again.

And again.

Until consistency becomes home.

One of my favorite moments came during our little tradition of sharing roses and thorns.

A small voice offered one more unexpected bloom.

“Everything is starting to come together.”

I asked what she meant because there are so many wonderful things unfolding.

She smiled in that wonderfully uncomplicated way children do and said it wasn’t just one thing.

It was us.

Finding our footing.

Growing into whatever comes next, together.

Everything I do isn’t just for me. Every small step ripples into our little family, and somehow she already understands that. She spoke with excitement about the future, not because everything is perfect, but because she could feel that we were moving in the right direction.

Children have an incredible ability to summarize hope in a single sentence while adults spend years trying to explain the same feeling.

That thought has stayed with me.

The journey home had one last lesson waiting for me.

I found myself passing the same detour more than once. Every direction seemed to circle back into another closure, and even the GPS couldn’t quite make sense of it. It kept recalculating while nearly everyone squeezed into the same crowded route, inching forward together because that was where the map first pointed.

For a moment, I considered doing the same.

Instead, I kept driving.

Just a little farther.

Far enough for the map to catch up.

And that’s when something clicked.

Maybe GPS doesn’t always know the best route.

It only knows the best route from where you currently are.

When you move beyond what it expects, it can’t guide you immediately. It needs a moment. A little more distance. A different perspective before it quietly says, “Recalculating.”

Life feels remarkably similar.

Sometimes we leave the path everyone else is taking, and the silence feels unsettling. We wonder if we’ve made a wrong turn simply because the directions have stopped making sense.

But if we continue moving with intention, the route begins to reveal itself.

Sometimes we even arrive sooner.

Sometimes we arrive at exactly the same time.

The only difference is that our road wasn’t crowded.

Those extra miles can seem intimidating when we imagine walking them. But we’re not walking.

We’re cruising.

Four extra miles behind the wheel is different than four extra miles on foot. Distance isn’t always the obstacle we imagine it to be.

There is something beautiful about the road less traveled.

It asks for a little more courage and a little more trust. Sometimes it runs along the edges instead of through the center. Sometimes it’s quieter. A little unfamiliar. Maybe even a little scary.

But it also gives us room to breathe.

It reminds me of a coastal highway that had been closed for years while it was carefully repaired and restored. For a long time, people couldn’t experience its beauty. The road wasn’t gone. It was simply becoming safe enough to welcome travelers again.

Eventually, it reopened.

And people returned.

Maybe we’re like that, too.

Sometimes parts of our lives close for reasons we don’t immediately understand.

Seasons of construction.

Seasons of healing.

Seasons that redirect us through roads we never would have chosen ourselves.

The detours may feel longer.

They may seem less scenic.

They may ask more questions than they answer.

Yet every recalculation is still guiding us somewhere.

Perhaps life isn’t about reaching one enormous destination.

Maybe it’s simply about finding the next safe place.

The next quiet pause.

The next place to refuel.

The next conversation.

The next sunrise.

The next small victory.

We don’t always need to know how we’ll cross the entire country. Sometimes it’s enough to know we’ll make it to the next stop.

The map doesn’t need to reveal the whole journey.

It only needs to know where we are right now.

The rest unfolds one recalculation at a time.

As I finally settle into stillness, I feel grateful.

Not because every question has an answer.

Not because every chapter has been written.

But because something inside me feels quieter than it did before.

The moon will become whole soon enough.

Perhaps I will, too.

Until next time,

🌙

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Parenthood, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, Today is my father’s…

one-year passing anniversary.


I don’t know that I feel sad.

I don’t know that I feel happy either.

I think I just feel… observant.

I parked farther away than I needed to.

Not because there weren’t any closer spaces, but because I’ve grown fond of creating little pockets of stillness around myself. Even my car has a small radius where no one is parked. It’s funny how we recreate our inner world without realizing it. Mine just happens to require a little room to breathe.

Around me is everything I usually enjoy.

Panera.

Paesanos.

A grocery store.

A pet store.

A parking lot full of people living ordinary Mondays.

Somewhere inside all of that is a cup of tea waiting for me. Maybe a piece of fruit. Maybe pasta later if I decide that’s what today tastes like.

The world keeps offering me options.

And lately, I’ve realized that’s all life really is.

Not answers.

Options.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about people recently.

Not because I’m searching for anyone.

Not because I’m lonely in the way people assume.

More because survival changes the way you observe the world.

When you’re building your life one careful decision at a time, you begin noticing patterns instead of personalities. You stop asking whether someone likes you and start wondering why people become who they become.

I used to think understanding people meant collecting enough information about them.

Now I think it means accepting that every person is carrying an invisible equation.

Some are adding.

Some are subtracting.

Some are multiplying old wounds into new relationships.

Some are dividing themselves into pieces just to keep everyone else comfortable.

Life has a strange way of turning all of us into mathematicians.

Which is ironic.

I’ve never particularly liked math.

Give me books.

Give me language.

Give me long conversations that don’t need conclusions.

Yet somehow I’ve become someone who calculates everything.

Not out of fear.

Out of intention.

Every decision feels like solving for a future I cannot yet see.

I don’t know what the answer is.

I don’t even know when the equation ends.

But I know enough not to skip the work.

I’ve also been thinking about attachment.

Not whether people love each other.

But how they arrive there.

I’ve never believed that emotional depth can be rushed simply because it feels intense.

Maybe that’s why I don’t compare relationships.

I’ve never cared whether someone loved another person more than they loved me.

I’ve only cared whether the version of themselves they offered me was genuine.

We’re all different with different people.

Love doesn’t change that.

Safety does.

Maybe that’s what I’ve always been searching for—not romance, but authenticity.

The version of someone that exists when they no longer feel the need to perform.

I think that’s beautiful.

Maybe because that’s how I try to move through the world myself.

I’ve always wanted people to feel safe enough to simply be who they are.

No competition.

No performance.

No pretending.

Just two people existing honestly.

Sometimes I wonder if that’s why people mistake me for someone who doesn’t need anyone.

Strength has a funny way of becoming a disguise.

The more gracefully you carry your weight, the less people remember that it’s still heavy.

But I’ve learned something this year.

The strongest people aren’t the ones who carry everything alone.

They’re the ones who continue carrying hope even after life has asked them to carry grief.

Today I’ll think about my dad.

Not only about losing him.

But about everything he unknowingly left behind.

The lessons.

The resilience.

The quiet wisdom that reveals itself long after someone is gone.

Maybe that’s what love becomes over time.

Not something you hold onto.

Something that quietly reshapes the way you move through the world.

So today I’ll have my tea.

Maybe buy a piece of fruit.

Maybe read a few pages of a book.

Maybe order pasta.

I’ll watch people come and go, each carrying equations I’ll never fully understand.

And for once, I won’t try to solve them.

I’ll simply appreciate that we’re all here…

Adding.

Subtracting.

Loving.

Losing.

Beginning again.

One ordinary day at a time.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Meditation, Parenthood, Self Reflection, Travel

Dear Diary, Father’s Day began quietly,

wrapped in simple comforts.

The morning started with beef nacho lumpia and warm señorita bread. I picked up donuts for the girls to share later and paired my breakfast with a Vietnamese hazelnut coffee—extra sweet, just the way I like it. For a moment, everything felt right. There were conversations, some spoken aloud and others left quietly understood, and I carried on through the day with nothing more than my little routines and a peaceful heart.

Life has a funny way of reminding me, again and again, that what I have is enough.

No matter the season—whether life feels abundant or whether I have to tighten my comforts and adjust to new circumstances—I somehow always feel provided for. Even in moments when I have less than what I’m accustomed to, I’m aware that I still have so much. There’s something beautiful in recognizing that. I hope I never lose that perspective.

By dinner, we decided on cold foods. Sushi for most of us, though Akira, ever faithful to the foods she trusts, chose a slice of pepperoni pizza. Afterwards she had the most delicate New York cheesecake, along with freshly squeezed orange juice. It was one of those desserts that makes you pause after the first bite, simply because it’s perfect.

In between meals, there were little snacks scattered throughout the day. Whole wheat sea salt crackers, butterkäse cheese, and guacamole. Maylana happily dipped her favorite kettle-cooked jalapeño chips—the kind in the bright green bag—into her guacamole as if she’d discovered treasure.

Later, my daughter convinced me to try a Belgian waffle she had picked out. She declared it would have been better warmed up, and she was probably right.

Then Maly introduced me to something magical—a sorbet gelato popsicle bursting with fruit. She couldn’t finish it, so naturally I volunteered to help. One bite and I was completely enchanted. Rich, bright, sweet—like summertime frozen into happiness.

Oakland greeted us with cool weather, and somehow Whole Foods felt cozy and safe. We crossed bridges and watched the bay shimmer beneath the cloudy sky. But what I love most about those drives isn’t just the scenery.

It’s the music.

Ever since the girls were babies, I’ve always been the DJ. Not the kind who quietly plays songs in the background, either. I’m talking music turned all the way up. Windows cracked open. The kind of loud where the whole car becomes its own little world.

And the girls love it.

Maybe because it’s familiar. Maybe because it’s all they’ve ever known. But I think they feel safe there. Safe inside our little concert hall on wheels, where every drive has a soundtrack and every song somehow becomes part of the memory.

I’ve always appreciated music deeply. Not just the lyrics.. though sometimes the lyrics speak to me, but the melodies, the instruments, the harmonies, and even the silence between the notes. Sometimes music says what words cannot.

So with the windows down and the speakers alive, we crossed bridges and followed the curves of the bay, letting the music carry us. The girls gazed out at the water while I admired the scenery, and for a while it felt like we’d stepped into another world altogether.

Those drives are special.

That’s where my father rests.

His ashes were spread near the bridges and the water, and every time I return to the Bay, I think about him. It’s funny because I don’t remember him doing much in the Bay Area while he was alive. Life has a funny way of choosing endings we never would have imagined for ourselves.

We really don’t have much control over how we’re remembered, how we’re honored, or how others carry pieces of us after we’re gone. Eventually, we let go. We surrender. We trust.

And somehow, with the music filling the car and my children beside me, I feel close to him.

Sometimes I think he rides with us.

The drive home became a little adventure.

I followed GPS and took Highway 12 and soon realized my gas tank was running lower than I liked. Every time I searched for a gas station, it seemed to be twenty miles away. Darkness had settled in, and with tired children in the car, I could feel that familiar uncertainty quietly creeping in.

Eventually, I recalibrated my maps and refreshed my route. There was a gas station much closer than I had thought.

And then something strange happened.

I remember telling myself that I didn’t want to drive fast. We had already had such a wonderful day, and I just wanted to get home safely.

As if the world had heard me, I found myself behind a vehicle with hazard lights on. For nearly five miles, we traveled together. They drove slowly, and everyone else behind us had no choice but to slow down too.

I thought they were heading toward the gas station as well, but when I pulled in, they simply continued on. Their troubles had nothing to do with gas. Eventually, we parted ways.

But standing there beside the pump, I couldn’t help but think about life.

Sometimes we think we’re running on empty. We fear that everything will come to an abrupt stop. Maybe one day it will. Life itself is temporary, and none of us know whether our ending will arrive quietly or suddenly.

But until that day comes, we just keep going.

We trust that somehow we’ll make it.

We ask for help when we need it.

We follow the little lights ahead of us.

And perhaps that’s enough.

Maybe that’s all we were ever meant to do.

Father’s Day wasn’t filled with grand celebrations. I spoke only a little about him the day of but I expanded more on my thoughts and feelings about this year being different. Mostly, I wanted to spend the day with my children, watching the water and crossing the bridges, feeling close to someone I miss.

And maybe that’s what love looks like now.

Not elaborate plans.

Not chasing some picture-perfect life.

Just ordinary moments.

Making meals with care.

Touching your children’s hair as they sit beside you.

Listening to their stories.

Sharing bites of dessert.

Driving nowhere in particular.

Taking out the trash.

Exercising.

Following familiar routines.

Being present.

Sometimes the world tells us that life must be bigger—more travel, more experiences, more excitement, more everything.

But I think there’s something sacred about enough.

At least for me, this is enough.

These little moments…

the loud music,

the sleepy conversations,

the girls laughing over sushi and cheesecake,

the bridges and the water,

the memory of my father,

the familiar roads home,

and these children beside me…

they are everything.

And somehow, beautifully, they always have been.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Parenthood, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, Even in the middle of everything,

I still have something to be grateful for.

Tonight feels heavy, but honest.

I’m driving, letting the road stretch out in front of me like it knows something I don’t yet. The air is quiet, the kind of quiet that makes your thoughts louder. I look around and see the shadows of tall trees, steady and rooted, doing what they’ve always done—standing, breathing, giving. It’s wild to think they’ve been here this whole time, offering oxygen without asking for anything back. And here I am, trying to catch my own breath.

My chest has been tight lately. Not just physically, but emotionally—like something inside me is trying to expand but doesn’t quite have the space to. Maybe it’s anxiety. Maybe it’s everything at once. The strange part is that even being outside, even being surrounded by something as grounding as nature, doesn’t fully settle it. That’s when it hit me; maybe it’s not about where I am physically. Maybe it’s deeper than that.

Maybe my roots just aren’t planted where I can thrive.

And as unsettling as that feels, there’s also something powerful in it. Because I’m not a tree. I’m not stuck. I don’t need permission to move, to shift, to choose differently. My roots aren’t locked in place. I can replant myself. I can find better soil, better light, better space to grow.

That realization doesn’t make things instantly easier, but it gives me something solid to hold onto– choice.

I’ve been trying so hard to be there for others, even when I’m stretched thin. Showing up, giving, pouring into people I may never fully know. And tonight, I realized something quietly important: even in the middle of everything, I still have something to be grateful for. The people who listen. The ones who stay. The ones who see me, even when I feel scattered.

Feelings are complicated. Ego, fear, misunderstanding—they build walls between us so easily. I think most people mean well, but life gets layered. Stress, responsibilities, silent struggles—we all carry things that aren’t visible. And somewhere along the way, it stopped feeling safe to just be open. So we guard ourselves. We assume. We protect.

But the truth is, we don’t really know what anyone else is carrying.

I’ve been thinking about who I used to be—balancing so much, still finding time for connection, for family, for love. And now life looks different. Heavier in some ways. More responsibility. More pressure. More people depending on me. It’s not as simple anymore, and I think a lot of us are quietly adjusting to that reality.

We take things personally so quickly now. Maybe because we’re already overwhelmed. Maybe because we’re all a little tired of holding everything together.

But what if we softened, just a little?

What if we chose to be a community instead of just individuals protecting our own corners?

Because the truth is, some of us are so used to being strong that we forget what it feels like to be supported. We perform strength. We survive. And sometimes, it feels like the only person we really have… is ourselves.

Tonight, I’m sitting with that truth.

Not in a defeated way—but in a way that reminds me: if I have me, I still have something real. Something steady. Something that can choose again tomorrow.

And maybe that’s where I start.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, We live in a world where availability is often mistaken for…

connection.

It’s one of those rainy days—the kind that drifts in and out, soft and steady, then disappears as quickly as it came. I’m at the gym, headphones in, thinking about how few people actually have access to my energy these days. And honestly… that’s a gift. Sometimes, it’s okay for no one to have that access at all.

We live in a world where availability is often mistaken for connection. People assume that saying yes, answering calls, or showing up automatically builds something meaningful. But connection isn’t about convenience—it’s about alignment. Ease doesn’t guarantee respect, and comfort doesn’t replace integrity.

Access is a privilege, not a given. And just because someone has been present before doesn’t mean they should always be allowed in. When experiences stop feeling light, enjoyable, or mutually respectful… that’s when boundaries matter. Not as a punishment, but as a compass. A way to honor yourself.

So here’s the practice: show up when it feels aligned. Step back when it doesn’t. No overthinking, no guilt, no endless explanations. Your time, energy, and attention are yours to choose. And when you respond with that level of clarity, even small interactions carry meaning. They carry intention.

This is why I operate the way I do. I prioritize my energy, my peace, my values. Because at the end of the day, life isn’t about reacting to every impulse or accommodating every expectation. It’s about choosing yourself. About showing up for what truly matters, and letting the rest fall into its natural place.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, Healing, I’ve realized…

is messy.

There’s a truth about life that people don’t like to say out loud.

Sometimes, you are a victim.

Not in a way that defines you forever, and not in a way that strips you of your power—but in a way that simply acknowledges reality. Life will, at some point, happen to you. Through loss. Through betrayal. Through timing that doesn’t make sense. Through people who never intended to love you the way you loved them.

And those moments… they soften you. They leave marks. They create a kind of healing that isn’t a one-time event, but something you learn to carry and manage over time.

Today, I found myself reflecting on something small—almost silly.

A water dispenser.

It wasn’t extravagant. It wasn’t life-changing in the way people usually measure things. I just wanted cold water without ice. Something simple. Something practical. Something that felt like stability.

And when I finally got back on my feet—when I had my own place again, when I was rebuilding life for myself and my children—I bought one. I remember reading all the reviews, choosing carefully, spending about $200, and feeling… proud.

Proud that I could provide something small but meaningful. Proud that life was coming back together. Proud that we had something that made everyday life just a little easier.

Cold water when we wanted it. Hot water for tea or noodles. A tiny convenience that quietly said, we’re okay again.

And then one day, I came home, and it was destroyed.

In that moment, I told myself it was just a material thing. Replaceable. Not important.

But the truth is—it hurt.

Not because of what it was, but because of what it represented.

It was something I had finally given to myself… taken away almost immediately. And behind that moment wasn’t just damage to an object—it was the realization that I had poured into someone who was never pouring into me. That I had been patient, understanding, open… while standing in front of someone who was taking, and taking, and taking—already knowing my cup was empty.

That wasn’t love. That wasn’t misunderstanding.

That was me, being on the receiving end of something that was never genuine to begin with.

And that’s the kind of experience that changes you.

It teaches you that you can’t keep giving from an empty cup. It teaches you that it’s not your job to fill someone else’s. It teaches you that if you can do the work to heal, so can they—and if they choose not to, that is not yours to carry.

So today, as I looked around at my space—at the small pieces of my life slowly coming back together—I didn’t feel sadness.

I felt something lighter.

Hope.

Not the loud, unrealistic kind. But the quiet kind that shows up after you’ve been through enough to know that nothing comes easy—and yet you’re still willing to try again.

Because healing isn’t about pretending things didn’t hurt. It’s about letting them hurt… and not letting them harden you into someone you’re not.

The world will teach you to close off. To be less vulnerable. Less trusting. Less open.

But I’ve learned that moving forward isn’t about becoming colder—it’s about becoming wiser.

Listening to what people show you in real time. Not laughing off what doesn’t feel right. Not ignoring what your spirit is trying to protect you from.

And choosing, every day, to take the longer road—the one with fewer people, fewer shortcuts, fewer illusions.

Because the truth is, I don’t need a large circle. I don’t need support that comes with conditions, rules, or the cost of my peace.

I just need what’s real.

Even if it’s small. Even if it’s quiet. Even if it’s just me, rebuilding—piece by piece.

Healing, I’ve realized, is messy.

When your life has been in the hands of people who didn’t handle it with care, it can feel like they’ve splashed paint, dirt, and damage all over something that was once clean.

And cleaning that up… takes time.

Some stains don’t fully come out. Some scratches don’t disappear.

But that doesn’t mean your life can’t still be beautiful.

It just means you learn how to see yourself beyond the damage.

To stop staring at every mark. To stop defining yourself by what happened. To build something new, even with what remains.

Because yes—sometimes we are victims of moments, of people, of circumstances.

But we don’t have to become victims of ourselves.

We don’t have to stay stuck there.

We can feel the hurt. We can feel the anger. We can admit the disappointment of not being chosen, not being loved the way we deserved.

And still… choose to love again. Choose ourselves again.

That’s the real work.

And maybe one day—just one day—I’ll buy another water dispenser.

Not to replace what was lost. Not to prove anything.

But because I’m ready.

Ready to see it for what it is again: Something simple. Something useful. Something that brings ease into my life.

And when I look at it, I won’t feel that sting anymore.

I won’t think about what happened. I won’t replay the loss.

I’ll just fill my cup—literally and figuratively—and know that this time, I didn’t abandon myself to give to someone who couldn’t hold me with care.

And that will be enough.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Parenthood, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, When an artist creates something,

it doesn’t get taken back once it’s released. It exists.

Last night, I had a dream that woke me around 3 a.m. I couldn’t fall back asleep. Instead, I was hit with a deep, immobilizing pain—one that settled into my chest and refused to leave. I’ve heard that dreams only last a couple of minutes, maybe seconds even, yet they can feel like an eternity. This one did.

In the dream, I was preparing to attend my father’s wake. My father passed away on July 13th of last year, and even now, the grief still arrives unannounced. I remember seeing him on the day of his wake and again at his funeral. He looked peaceful—truly at rest. That image has never left me.

My dad lived life entirely on his own terms. He was big on self-love and self-care, yet he also held very old-school beliefs. Some of those beliefs felt contradictory to me, especially as a woman. He didn’t like the idea of women receiving support in certain ways from men, particularly when it came to chores or responsibilities. In his eyes, help from a man should be voluntary—something given freely, never demanded—because otherwise it could feel emasculating.

At the time, it didn’t make sense to me. Growing up, it wasn’t framed as a lesson; it felt more like scolding. But now, I can see it differently. I can respect it, even if it’s not something we’re explicitly taught. Sometimes, we don’t learn through instruction—we learn through belief systems, behaviors, and the way people live their lives.

As I’m recollecting this, I’m driving southbound on I-5, heading to Super Walmart to buy tension rods and curtains for a living space. A small act of décor, maybe—but also a symbol of where I am in life. I’ve had the measurements since Friday, but I hadn’t made the trip yet. Lately, I feel like I’m entering a “crafty era”—wanting to create, to personalize, to stand out, stand in, stand up. Anything but remain stagnant.

I’ve spent a lot of time focusing on my physical and mental health, and that work is still ongoing. Journaling. Meditation. Working out. Healing is not linear—it’s a work in progress, and honestly, a work of art. When you give yourself permission to speak about your experiences, something shifts. Pain softens. Understanding grows. I encourage everyone to do this, even when it’s uncomfortable.

In the dream, the details were blurry. Was it my father’s wake or his funeral? I’m not sure. What I do remember is that we were preparing him—getting him dressed, ready for the service. And during that process, I was going through my own struggles. I felt lost, unheard, unseen.

It’s strange how visible pain can be—and how little people want to acknowledge it. Sometimes others can see the sadness in your eyes and choose not to care. Pain isn’t aesthetically pleasing. It can feel inconvenient, even annoying, to those who think you “have it all.” They wonder: How can someone so optimistic, so self-loving, so materially supported still feel sad? Why would you need more love?

What many don’t understand is that even the people closest to you aren’t always supporting you in the ways that truly matter. Sometimes what looks like generosity is actually ego. Sometimes gestures are made because they look good, not because they’re sincere. There is quiet suffering in many homes, families, and relationships—especially in romantic ones where codependency slowly replaces connection. Life eventually shakes those dynamics loose, often for the greater good.

In the dream, I felt like a child again—lost, grieving someone irreplaceable. It reminded me that the people who mean the most to us aren’t always physically present, yet when they do appear, it feels like no time has passed at all.

Then my phone rang.

It was my dad.

He was calling to remind me of things, just like he always did. He was patient with me—always. He never laid a hand on me. Discipline was never harsh or shaming. Instead, he would say, “Just make your mom happy. Listen to her. She needs understanding and support.” He reminded me not to take things personally, that my mom had health struggles, and that compassion mattered more than pride. He said the same for all of my siblings.

And the thing is—he was always right.

He never had to say much. He knew I understood. I’m incredibly grateful for the bond we had, for the way he guided without force.

In the dream, we talked about his passing—about preparing for it. And then it hit me.

I was on the phone with my father… talking about his own funeral.

I asked him, “Dad… how are you calling me?”

How could he be on the phone if he was gone?

How could he be calling me about his own death—when he was supposed to be dead?

And that’s when I woke up.

With grief. With love. With questions that don’t need answers—only space.

When I realized what was happening, something inside me snapped awake. For a moment, I felt like a little girl again—small, vulnerable, searching. That feeling alone was enough to pull me out of the dream. I woke up thinking, maybe this was all a trick, maybe my dad was still alive and just a phone call away.

But he wasn’t.

Waking up meant waking up to the truth—that my father is gone, and that everything I had just experienced lived only in sleep. And yet, it didn’t feel meaningless. It felt like concern. Like presence. Like he knew exactly where I am in life right now and wanted to remind me of something important.

I don’t think he was telling me anything new. I think he was reminding me—once again—not to take things personally. To stay focused. To trust that I’ll be okay. To know that he’s watching over me in ways I may not always understand, but in ways that matter. Not just a reminder, but a request. A quiet one.

To live without hate.
Without resentment.
Without vengeance.

At this age, I don’t have the time or the energy to invest in what people think of me, what they assume about my intentions, or the conclusions they draw about my choices. I genuinely don’t care. You either like me or you don’t—and life goes on regardless.

When an artist creates something—a song, a book, a painting—it doesn’t get taken back once it’s released. It exists. It breathes on its own. And there has never been a piece of beautiful art that didn’t face judgment simply for being seen. I’m finally embracing that about myself. Not everything I do will be perfect, and I don’t want it to be.

Maybe that’s why I don’t want to go viral. I just want a safe place to express myself—when I’m ready, how I choose—without fear. Without worrying about how I eat, how I speak, the words I use, or how I respond to disrespect, intimidation, or people digging through my life searching for flaws. While they’re busy mining for faults, I’m busy trying to change my circumstances.

Constantly.

Sometimes that means moving forward.
Sometimes it means stepping back just enough to learn how to move further ahead.
Sometimes it means staying exactly where I am and taking life one day at a time.

Every decision I make is shaped by many factors—timing, responsibility, intuition, survival. I truly believe I make the best decisions I can with what I know in the moment I’m in. Some decisions require seconds. Others take a lifetime. I don’t rush choices unless I’m forced to make them.

And I’ve learned this about myself: I avoid decisions until I must make them—for my own good. That means being selfish with how I choose myself. Being selfish with how I protect my peace. Being selfish with how I win in life.

Because if I win, my kids win.

I cannot stay anywhere that makes me feel belittled, degraded, or dehumanized. I refuse to exist in spaces where I’m treated like an inconvenience or a problem—because I’m not. I’m human. I’m grieving. I’m learning. I’ve hit rock bottom more than once, and I’ve climbed back every single time.

So I will always put my best foot forward. I will choose people who choose me. And if I know, deep down, that you don’t—that there’s always someone better, or that I’m somehow unworthy in your eyes—I’m okay with that.

My song will still play.
My art will still be displayed.
My words will only grow more poetic.

Just because you can’t appreciate me doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate myself.

I’ve never lived for validation. I live to experience—to savor each bite, each sound, each sight, each breath. The five senses… and maybe even a sixth. I live for what makes me feel alive, not for jealousy, animosity, or the need to control anyone else’s fate.

My struggles matter—because they affect my children. So I choose them carefully. I choose paths where they aren’t subjected to more than necessary. And wherever that safety exists, that’s where I’m going.

I’m only moving toward better places—
even when it doesn’t look like it.

Maybe the dream wasn’t meant to confuse me or pull me backward into grief. Maybe it was meant to remind me that love doesn’t disappear just because someone does. That guidance doesn’t end with death. That the voice I heard wasn’t about fear or loss, but reassurance. A reminder to keep living honestly, gently, and unapologetically. To keep choosing growth over bitterness, peace over pride, and self-respect over explanation. I’m still becoming. Still healing. Still moving forward—sometimes slowly, sometimes imperfectly—but always with intention. And if my father is watching, I think he’d be proud not because I have everything figured out, but because I keep going. Because I choose love. Because I refuse to harden. And because, no matter where I am or how it looks, I’m walking toward a life that feels true.

P.S. Dad, thank you for everything, thank you for watching over me and protecting me and your granddaughters. Love you.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, When I finally reach the other side,

I imagine it will feel like a breath of fresh air.

It feels like there’s a collision happening inside me—somewhere between the luteal phase and the menstrual phase. That space is where my emotions hit the hardest. I start thinking deeply, feeling things intensely, almost all at once. And every time I tell my story, I’m reminded of how blessed I am when the person listening is understanding and empathetic.


It’s always the people who know nothing about me who assume my life is perfect… until they hear the truth. Then they slowly realize how strong I’ve had to be, how much I’ve endured—as someone who looks so fragile, elegant, happy, and independent on the outside.

This year feels like a stepping stone.
Though honestly, I don’t know how many stepping stones a person is supposed to need. Usually one should be enough—you step, cross over, and reach the other side.
But I’m still making my way through mine. And when I finally reach the other side, I imagine it will feel like a breath of fresh air.

When I’m moving through chaos with music playing and surrounded by family, friends, and love—and then I have a moment to myself alone—that’s when everything settles in. Recently, I felt like I was gifted something special. And I hold these gifts close because they don’t feed my sadness; they lift me. They remind me to rise.

I’ve had to remind myself that I’m still young. I’m not tired of life. I’m not tired of living or being excited about life. I’m just tired of the strange things that happen.
And acknowledging that—accepting that life comes in phases—helps me breathe.
When you’re going through it, sometimes the only option is to go through it. But you always, ALWAYS – have to come out of it stronger and better.

Right now, my mood is calm.
Sometimes these thoughts come to me while I’m driving.
A wave moves across my chest—like a slow, emotional rollercoaster—and I catch my reflection. I look beautiful tonight. My hair is lightly tousled, my lashes are done, and I’ve been taking care of myself—making sure I look good, feel good, smell good every day.

I’m just having a quiet moment.
Just thinking.
Just trying not to become someone who forgets herself in the middle of staying strong.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Meditation, Parenthood

Dear Diary, Right now, the bass is humming through my car,

vibrating through my chest.

I am fighting tears right now. I’m just hoping I can make it to my destination without breaking down. I needed to get in my car, breathe, and clear my head for a moment. Everything is technically under control… yet sometimes it feels like I’m not. It’s so easy to forget how much support I truly have around me, and how not everyone will understand me. Being misunderstood is such a heavy feeling—that’s why I try my best not to judge others. I know how deeply it stings when someone assumes the worst about you.

Tonight is one of those dark nights where it feels like time is folding backwards. The sky is heavy, and so is my heart. My gas light has been on for a while now. I keep checking it but I still haven’t stopped to fill up. For some reason, I just don’t want to. It reminds me of how I force myself to eat just enough to get by but never enough to actually feel full—only doing the bare minimum to survive.

But even in this moment, I know what my limits are. And that’s the message I want to leave behind at the end of this blog:
Learn your limits. Respect them. And when you run low, refill yourself before life forces you to shut down.

Because sometimes that tiny bit of fuel you’re running on is all you have left. And once you hit empty, you have no choice but to get back up, go again, refill your tank, and rebuild yourself. It’s okay to run low. It’s okay to admit it’s hard. It’s okay to say, “This is the best I can do today.”

This is all part of being misunderstood—people don’t see the exhaustion, the overstimulation, the stress, the lack of strength… or even the lack of funds that make it hard to keep up with life. They don’t see the private battles. They just make assumptions.

My heart feels so heavy tonight. Maybe it’s because I finally feel ready to speak on my losses this year. I’ve lost people. I’ve lost habits—some good, some bad. I’ve lost pieces of myself in ways I never expected. But somewhere inside all of this, I know a more beautiful version of me is trying to emerge. I’m hoping this year ends with a lighter heart, more structure, more stability, and the closure I need on the things and people who no longer serve me.

I want to grow. I want to feel free. I want to stop feeling like I can’t fill up my tank or nourish myself fully. Sometimes I eat myself into a food coma just so I can sleep deeply, just so I can escape. Food is comfort, but it could be so much more fulfilling if I wasn’t running from my emotions.

Life can be better. The ride can be smoother. The rims can shine brighter. The sun can hit differently. But I have to actually want it. And sometimes I do… sometimes I don’t. But the moment you truly want something, nothing will get in your way. And I’m trying—really trying—to find that awakening again. To fill myself up. To fill my heart. To restore what’s been drained.

Earlier, I posted a TikTok with a sound that kept repeating, “love me,” like a soft, harmonized acapella. It was soothing and overwhelming all at once. It brought tears to my eyes because it reminded me of when my father passed away. I remember live streaming that night, trying to cope in the only way I knew how. Losing someone who loved you your entire life leaves a wound that never fully closes.

My dad’s love wasn’t perfect, but it was perfect for me. And maybe that’s why I grew up wanting so little from everyone. I accepted the bare minimum because I never wanted to drain people—I wanted them to save some love for themselves. My dad did that. And I learned from it.

But I also realized I cannot control how people view me. They will think what they want. They will conclude what they want. They will decide whether I’m worthy of their time, their space, their energy. And I’ve learned to be okay with that. The ones who truly want to know me will try. The ones who want to misunderstand me will twist the smallest things into entire narratives. And yes, that hurts—but everything that hasn’t killed me has made me stronger.

So here I am, fighting tears, learning the harsh truth that life doesn’t get easier—you just get better at fighting through the pain. Especially when the people closest to you choose to misunderstand you on purpose, creating stories in their minds and stamping you with labels you never deserved.

What keeps me grounded is knowing this:
If they can be that wrong about me, I can be just as wrong about them. And somehow, that’s the strange beauty of life.

Right now, the bass is humming through my car, vibrating through my chest. My heart is jumpy, tight, almost wringing itself out. It’s an epiphany mixed with sadness, mixed with clarity—a rush of pain that somehow hurts in a way that feels cleansing, even though I know it isn’t good for me. Instead of fighting it, I’m letting it wash over me.

I’m wearing a hoodie, driving my Mercedes, grateful for the tint on my windows. It gives me just enough privacy to break down quietly. Tinted windows aren’t just for hiding from enemies or prying eyes—sometimes they’re protection from the world. Protection from the people who don’t deserve to see you at all.

People can search for me online, can watch me from afar—I won’t hide my life. But they don’t get access to me. The tint is symbolic. They might catch a glimpse of me for a split second, but that’s all they get now. No more forced greetings, no more eye contact, no more pretending. Just distance. Just indifference.

Life has taught me that if I love myself enough, there will always be enough love inside me to give—carefully, intentionally, and to the right people.

And for the first time in a long time, I’m learning to let that love circle back to me.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Parenthood, Self Reflection, Uncategorized

Dear Diary, Growing up, I never thought I’d have to protect myself –

from people who once claimed to love me.

The sky is unusually bright this morning—pastel, almost powdery, even though today turned out to be another rainy day. Just two days ago, the forecast showed nothing but sunshine. I guess even the weatherman can’t predict everything until the last minute. A part of me was disappointed when I originally saw no rain, because rain always feels cleansing, like the world pressing the reset button. But life has a funny way of giving you what you need exactly when you weren’t expecting it. So now here it is: a bright, gloomy-blue sky filled with soft white clouds, and somehow it’s still beautiful.

The clock hit 8 AM, and the girls were already off to school. Morning chaos always comes with its own soundtrack—cars rushing down the wet street, engines humming, the distant honk of someone in a hurry, and windshield wipers swishing back and forth. During drop-off, I gave my motherly reminders the way I always do: Have a great day. Stay warm. Try your best. I’m proud of you. I try to validate their efforts, big and small, because I want to give them the kind of emotional support my family gives me every day. Love comes in so many forms for us—often through food, gentle conversations, small acts of care—not just “I love you,” but the actions that prove it.

Today feels like a good day to tackle a few things so that tomorrow can be lighter, and the weekend can be peaceful. I don’t plan for weekends the way I used to. I’ve been toning things down and practicing being more frugal, not out of restriction but out of respect for my own financial security. People online don’t talk enough about how important it is to be financially mindful. When you know where your money goes, life becomes less unpredictable. You make room not only for what you need, but sometimes for what you want.

I had a bad dream last night—one that woke me up several times. When I did a small dream analysis this morning, it hit me how much I’ve been undermined as a mother, and honestly, as an individual. It hurts to realize so late how often others have tried to control the relationship I have with my own children. I’m hoping for more freedom soon—the freedom to parent the way I know is best, the freedom to build a healthy emotional dynamic, and the freedom from interference. It’s exhausting to constantly be told how to raise, share, and care for the children I’ve always prioritized without crossing anyone else’s boundaries.

I don’t see myself as a victim, but I am finally acknowledging that the system, the circumstances, and the games being played are unbalanced. Like a Libra’s scale—never settling, always shifting. And speaking of zodiacs, Gemini energy is often misunderstood. Geminis mirror people, showing them who they truly are, and when people get a taste of their own behavior reflected back, suddenly they claim to be the victim. Maybe that’s why Geminis hide their wounds so well—we don’t like identifying as victims, even when everything points to the fact that we are.

Every time I feel myself drifting toward that victim narrative, the part of me committed to growth pulls me back. I remind myself not to internalize anyone’s projections. I don’t want to walk around wounded or bitter, even though the truth runs deeper behind my smile. Instead, I’ve learned to use these imbalances as fuel to strengthen myself. But no one talks about how creating boundaries comes with consequences. Saying “no,” calling out behavior, not tolerating disrespect—those things are healthy, but the backlash isn’t always easy. It’s like taking iron supplements when you’re anemic—the solution helps, but the side effects can still be uncomfortable.

Life is full of laws and rules that are supposed to protect us, yet people break them every day. Some do it out of entitlement, others out of carelessness. Laws only work for people who respect them, and not everyone does. Sometimes, we don’t realize we’re being harmed until the damage has already settled in. Just like how we don’t always realize we’ve become victims until we look back and see the whole picture.

This morning’s dream reminded me of that. It was built from fear, anxiety, and knowing that I can’t always stop bad things from happening—even if I try my hardest. Growing up, I never thought I’d have to protect myself from people who once claimed to love me. Love is such a double-edged sword. Beautiful, but sharp enough to wound. There’s such a thin line between love and hate, and I’ve walked that line far too often.

I tell people on my livestreams all the time: love yourself first. Because if your heart—your cup—is empty, you can’t pour anything meaningful into someone else. And some people with empty cups don’t even know what love is, because they’ve never given it to themselves. You can’t teach love to someone who’s immune to it. They want it, but they can’t receive it. It’s like giving caffeine to someone who can’t feel its effects.

I’m at a point in life where I don’t want to be entangled with people who drain me or pull me into their misery. Some people are so unhappy that they try to drag others into that darkness, and I’m not doing that anymore. I’m grateful that I’m still here, still resilient, still creating boundaries even when the consequences feel heavy.

Last night, I talked to the girls about how food is part of our family’s love language. Not just simple “I love you” phrases, but cooking together, eating together, sharing moments. Prepping ingredients, washing vegetables, stirring pots, monitoring the heat, cleaning as you go—every little step becomes an offering of love. A home-cooked meal holds value you can’t put a price on. You really get to know someone when you share food with them, especially meals made with intention. Even gathering groceries, choosing ingredients, planning a dinner—it all means something.

At the end of the day, love isn’t loud. It isn’t flashy. It isn’t always spoken. Love is shown in the way we support each other, validate each other, sit quietly with each other, and offer a hand when the load is heavy. Love is the rain that comes unexpectedly. Love is the morning street noise. Love is the bright sky on a gloomy day. Love is the meal you share with someone who knows your heart.

And love is the reason I keep rebuilding myself, over and over again.