Malynah – Dear Diary,

Akira, Amy Douangmany, Ariyah, Malynah, Maylana

Dear Diary, Maybe I’ve never truly faced fear

Posted on September 18, 2025October 17, 2025 by Ms. Amy D

until now.

Today the weather is gray, and I feel it settling into me. This heaviness has been lingering for days—so dense it almost buzzes, like a quiet overstimulation. I feel uncertain, even a little scared. Maybe I’ve never truly faced fear until now: fear of the unknown, fear of letting go, fear of stepping into a different version of myself.

But that’s the version I’m reaching for—the one who is softer, steadier, secure and loved. I’ve always been grateful for the support I’ve received, but I often wonder how long it lasts. Will it fade? Should it? Sometimes the love that carries us can also weigh us down. Support is beautiful, but it can become a quiet burden for the giver.

As I turn toward this new chapter, I want to walk into it alone for a while. I need time to process the past three years—the ones that stretched and blurred until a single year felt like a decade. I’m tired of defending, of worrying, of the constant fight. I want a kind of stillness that feels untouchable.

It’s like waiting for a new song to drop. I keep replaying old favorites because I know them; they’ve carried me through heartbreak and hope. But eventually, the new songs will come. Some I’ll love. Some I’ll skip. Some might change me entirely.

Maybe the next song of my life won’t even have words—just music. Something gentle yet lifting, a melody that lets my heart find its own rhythm. Just imagining it, I can almost hear the harmony waiting for me.

With so much love,

Amy Douangmany

Akira, Amy Douangmany, Malynah, Maylana, Parenthood, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, May the beauty of this day…

Posted on July 20, 2025December 8, 2025 by Ms. Amy D

and every day moving forward…

Once you move through your thirties and into your forties, something shifts. Your energy changes. Your attention turns inward. Life begins to quietly ask you to start again, only this time with more intention. Friendships take more effort to maintain. Conversations feel heavier. And you find yourself relearning things you thought you had already mastered. It is not a step backward. It feels more like rediscovery.

There are things in life that I cherish deeply, and I hold them close. They feed me in quiet but lasting ways. Being a mother means my mind rarely rests. Even when the house is calm, my thoughts keep moving. I worry about my children’s safety, their emotions, their futures, and their little hearts. Sometimes the people we love the most are the ones who unknowingly teach us the hardest lessons.

Still, I find peace in small moments. I may not have a lot of time for myself, but I try to honor what I do get. In those pockets of stillness, I pause. I breathe. I remember who I am. I remind myself that I am my own best investment. I matter too. And that truth is something I have had to learn over time.

Tonight feels peaceful. I am surrounded by the ones I love. The kids are close by. Music hums in the background. Their laughter floats around the room like warm air. Their joy anchors me. I feel like I am drifting through a gentle season of my life, one that I am learning to embrace with softness.

Today was refreshing. We went to the lake and it was my first time on a boat. The view was breathtaking. The sun shimmered on the water as if tiny crystals were scattered across its surface. The sky was open and calm with soft clouds painting the edges. The temperature stayed in the low eighties and the breeze felt cool and playful, brushing gently against our skin.

We packed a few coolers filled with cold drinks and had plenty of snacks, including wings and fresh fruit. Everyone took turns at the wheel, learning how to steer and feeling the thrill of the ride. Although I did not drive this time, I loved watching each of the girls take their turn. Their excitement was contagious.

The boat moved smoothly but with power. When it picked up speed, it sent wide waves behind us. The water folded and fanned out in beautiful shapes. The engine rumbled softly and created ripples that reached the shoreline and sent a few ducks paddling in different directions. I watched them scatter and then regroup, unbothered, as if nothing had happened.

The lake itself held quiet challenges. Submerged branches and hidden trees made it feel like a secret world beneath the surface. Steering around them was a bit of a puzzle, but the kind that keeps you present. I saw a deer drinking at the edge of the lake, its reflection clear in the still water. Farther out, I noticed small boats floating along. One had a clothesline stretched across it with laundry hanging in the sun. Shirts and blankets swayed gently in the breeze. It made me wonder if people live out there, choosing peace over noise.

Being in nature like that puts everything into perspective. You begin to feel how big the world is, and how much of it is still waiting for you to experience. There are people I have never met, places I have never seen, and ways of life I have never imagined. The lake reminded me of that.

The lesson I carry with me tonight is simple. Even when the water appears calm and clear, there are always things beneath the surface. Things you cannot see but may bump into. Obstacles and surprises. This is true in life too. You will not always be able to avoid what comes your way, but you can learn how to move through it. With grace. With softness. With strength.

Maybe that is what life is meant to be. A collection of feelings. Surprise. Fear. Peace. Joy. Heartbreak. Healing. All of it. The more you allow yourself to feel, the more you will grow. And the more stories you will carry with you. And maybe, just maybe, the more open your heart becomes.

So I’m choosing to allow myself to feel deeply and fully. To let the wind rush through my hair and the water sprinkle my skin. May the beauty of this day and every day moving forward remind me to stay present.

Akira, Amy Douangmany, Ariyah, Blog, Healing, Malynah, Maylana, Parenthood, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, I was pacing again today—

Posted on May 29, 2025 by Ms. Amy D

back and forth,

like I always do when I’m overthinking but trying not to look like I am. Maybe I had on my Gucci shades… or maybe they were Burberry, or Louie. Either way, they were oversized, dramatic, and doing their best to hide the storm behind my eyes.

And still, no one asked if I was okay.

But what I really wanted… was someone to walk with me.
Through the pool.
Not beside it. Not dry and distant.
But right there—with me. In the cool water, just waist-deep.
Drifting slowly, step by step,
laughing, venting, yapping about life, healing, dreams, and regrets.
Sunglasses on. Sun glinting off the water.
Children splashing nearby like background music to something real.

Just talking.
But talking with someone who sees you.
Someone whose presence is peace.
Someone you can trust enough to float beside.

Today, I got in the pool.
Finally.
It took everything.

If there were awards for quiet courage, I’d have one in every color.
Because no one really claps for the kind of bravery it takes to show up for yourself when no one else is watching.

My lash clusters? Gone—sacrificed to the chlorine gods.
But I swam anyway.
I went under.
And I didn’t panic.

And you know what’s wild?

You don’t realize how cold the water is until you’ve been in it too long.
You don’t realize how high your guard has risen until you try to put it down and it shakes your whole body.
You become numb. Conditioned to the cold.
You take so much, you forget how to receive.
You give just enough to survive, not enough to be seen.

Eventually, it chips away at you.
And you forget how to love without fear.
Not because you’re weak—because you’re tired.

But even in the cold, I remember who I am.

I have my dignity.
My authenticity.
My warmth.
My good heart—and people see that.
It reflects off them in ways they don’t always like, because it reminds them of their own shadows.
So they watch.
And they wait.

But let me be clear: they’ll be waiting forever.

I’m covered. Protected.
Not by chance, but by the good I’ve sown.
And I believe—truly—that goodness always returns.

Today, the pool felt alive.
Toddlers wobbled, teens shrieked, water splashed around us in chaotic joy.
And somewhere in the middle of it, a woman walked by—hair neon green, body sculpted like she designed it herself.
And maybe she did.
She earned that presence, and I loved that for her.
Quietly. Respectfully.

It reminded me that building your dream anything takes time.
And you don’t have to rush back after you’ve fallen—just rise eventually.

Did you know if you stay still too long, your muscles will forget how to move?
And if you cry long enough, your tears can blur your actual vision?
Pain can blind you.
Emotionally. Literally.

So move.
Even slowly.
Especially slowly.

A little bonus today—it’s her birthday.
And the birthday girl is happiest with her mama.
I know that.
She lights up in my presence, and I in hers.

The world is my stage, and I’ve stepped onto it so many times.
But nothing compares to them.
My children are my masterpiece.

Even when I’m not there, my love is.
In their giggles.
In their boldness.
In the way they know they’re adored.

No matter what the world says, I’m not missing anything.
Because I’ve already found what makes my heart full.

Yes, I’ve been with people who wore the right smile, but whose hearts were elsewhere.
And I’ve come to terms with the fact that some hearts—many, actually—still beat a little for me.
And they always will.

So if you’re still waiting,
Don’t check your ticket.
You’ll be waiting for eternity.

Akira, Amy Douangmany, Ariyah, Malynah, Maylana, Parenthood, Self Reflection, Travel

Dear Diary, The answer is always the same.

Posted on April 14, 2025 by Ms. Amy D

My children.

It amazes me sometimes—this quiet connection I have with the world when I go live. It’s as if souls I’ve never met are reaching out, asking me, “What’s on your mind?”
What do I think about when I’m in the shower…
When I’m lying in bed with the weight of the day heavy on my chest…
When silence finally wraps around me?

The answer is always the same.
My children.
I wonder if they truly know how much I love them.
I hope they feel it, even in the moments when I can’t be everything they need.
Even when I’m silently fighting to become more than the version of me they see.

Sometimes I think—I’ve been asleep. Not in a literal way, but in the way that dreams die when you stop chasing them.
I’ve been sleeping on my potential.
Not because I don’t believe in it,
but because somewhere along the way, pain became familiar.
I settled into survival… and called it home.

I won’t lie—getting back up is terrifying.
After so many setbacks, staying down started to feel safe.
But I can’t stay here, not anymore.
Not when their future is calling me forward.
Not when my own soul is begging me to rise.

I’m doing this for them.
But also, for the woman I used to dream of becoming.

I could stay where it’s comfortable, where no one expects too much of me.
But I want more.
More joy, more peace, more sunsets on beaches and laughter in warm kitchens.
More moments where I’m fully alive, not just breathing.

I’m too young to waste my light.
Too full of untold stories, unshaken dreams, and unspoken love.

There is so much beauty still waiting for me.
Vacations not yet taken, memories not yet made.
And the thought of holding my babies close under Christmas lights or running through waves in the summer—
That’s enough to keep me going.

I’m not where I want to be…
But I’m not where I used to be either.

And that, dear diary,
is the beginning of everything.

— Me

Akira, Amy Douangmany, Ariyah, Malynah, Maylana, Romance, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, There’s a saying I once heard:

Posted on November 26, 2024January 27, 2026 by Ms. Amy D

to truly love someone, you need to know them.

It’s 1:40 AM, and my mind is swimming in this strange déjà vu. Here I am, exchanging messages with someone whose name I don’t know, whose gender I couldn’t even guess, and whose life feels worlds apart from mine. They’re from Singapore, studying in China, and somehow, across the vast oceans and time zones, they reached out with an invitation to join a TikTok Creators Live Network. I don’t entirely grasp the concept yet, but their gesture fills me with excitement and possibility.

It’s funny—this feels like having a pen pal in the digital age. We’re connected not by stamps but by a shared energy, a quiet understanding. This person, whoever they are, seems genuinely invested in my growth, and that’s humbling. It reminds me of something I’ve been realizing lately: sometimes, the people who want the best for you come from unexpected places. This moment feels like a blessing, a tiny seed of hope planted in the soil of my journey.

After a beautiful week with my children—my girls lighting up the weekend with their smiles—I’ve found this unwavering belief in the idea that everything will be okay. My kids deserve every ounce of love I can give, and they remind me, over and over, why I keep pushing forward. People come and go in life, often leaving scars, but my children’s love? It’s as pure and unconditional as it gets.

There’s a saying I once heard: to truly love someone, you need to know them. That resonates deeply with me, especially when I think of my kids. They notice the smallest details about me—when I’m tired, when I’m worried—and their concern touches my soul in ways I can’t describe. Their love teaches me that sacrifices aren’t burdens but bridges to something greater.

Yet, with love comes vulnerability. Not all connections are safe; some come with their share of betrayal and hurt. And then there are those rare ones that feel like home—no drama, no pretense, just a quiet kind of love. Those connections remind me that love doesn’t need flashy titles, material gifts, or grand gestures. Sometimes, love is simply enough.

I’ve been reflecting on how much of myself I’ve given away in relationships. Sharing your story, your quirks, and your dreams with someone feels like an investment, but when things end, it can feel like they’ve walked away with pieces of you. Still, even in those moments, there’s growth. You learn, you heal, and you come to understand that every connection, fleeting or lasting, has its purpose.

So here’s my takeaway for today: love, in all its forms, is never wasted. Whether it’s a stranger reaching out across the globe, the quiet bond with my children, or a connection that leaves without warning, every thread of love weaves into the fabric of who we are. And that, I think, is the real gift.

Love always,

Amy

Akira, Amy Douangmany, Ariyah, Blog, Healing, Malynah, Maylana, Self Reflection

💝💭🫀🐅🐾 Dear Diary, There is something incredibly beautiful

Posted on October 1, 2024October 1, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

about being a woman, especially a mother to daughters.

It feels like such a special, almost magical connection to share a similar energy with them. And if you’re lucky, like me, to be a girly girl yourself, surrounded by women who are the same—your mom, your kids, your sisters—it feels like an endless thread of experiences and conversations. There’s always something to talk about, something to bond over. I think it’s so amazing how women can connect like that. If life weren’t weighed down by all its stresses, I feel like we could be even more connected, as human beings should be. But the way society is structured sometimes causes challenges for people, especially those less fortunate. It creates these divides, placing people on different levels of life instead of seeing everyone as equals. The best way I can explain it is by looking at tax brackets—such a clear example of how people are categorized and separated.

I’m also really proud of myself because I made it through my first week of a caffeine detox. I know the advice out there is to ease into it and not quit cold turkey, but that’s exactly what I did. I guess I don’t always like to go with the flow. Sometimes I feel like going against the grain is important. It’s about experiencing something for yourself, even if it’s tough, so you have a story to share, a lesson learned. It gives you a unique perspective, like, “This is why it’s hard, but here’s what I gained from it.” I think there’s something beautiful about taking a different path, even when it’s the harder one, because it shows courage and bravery. It highlights how different we can be from one another, and that’s what makes us special.

Today, I’m feeling really good, almost emotional in a way that brings tears to my eyes. I’ve been feeling so disconnected from the people I love the most in life, especially my mom, my sisters, and even my dad. Life has a way of pulling us in different directions, but the friends I’ve made along the way—they’ve been my steady anchors, always within reach. My family, too, even when we drift apart. I think it’s normal to go on our own journeys for a while, but what matters is that we always find our way back to each other. That bond will always be there.

Life is full of ups and downs, but I truly believe that if you look for the good, you’ll always find it, no matter how tough things get. Even when chaos and obstacles come your way, the journey is the journey. And no matter what, I know I’ll get to where I’m meant to be.

Akira, Amy Douangmany, Ariyah, Blog, Healing, Malynah, Maylana, Self Reflection

🦋🪺🕊🐾💧 Dear Diary, We’re all experiencing life for the first time

Posted on June 24, 2024September 1, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

and it’s far from easy.

My throat is very dry and raspy, so I’m drinking some Aqua Panna natural spring water from Tuscany.

One thing about me is that I struggle with drinking water. I’ve always been bad at staying hydrated, and that’s probably why I decided to invest in higher quality water.

Now, I feel a bit better. Thinking about my mom, I’m grateful every day for her, despite her strictness when growing up. Now that I’m an adult with my own children, I love my mom so much. We often don’t understand how hard it is to be a mom, trying to raise multiple children while also learning and living life for the first time, just like our parents or children. We’re all experiencing life for the first time, and it’s far from easy.

I appreciate my mom doing her best to raise me with simple values like mindfulness, understanding, patience, and respect. Nowadays, respect seems so rare. Sometimes, we need to understand that people can only love as much as they love themselves. If they don’t love themselves, it’s impossible for them to love others.

I was up looking at my Tiktok campaigns, and one of them is the Feed Your Wild Side campaign. I joined because I felt a wild, fun, and free-spirited side to me exists. I submitted three videos, but one got rejected because I accidentally removed a letter from the account name. That was disappointing because it showed five years of being a mom to my youngest, capturing a very intimate relationship with her. Things have changed over time, but my love for my kids is the most valuable thing in my life. I look forward to continuing to create memories with them. My wild side revolves around being a mom, and I wouldn’t change that. There are struggles in parenting, especially as children growing to be adults find their identities, which can take a lifetime.

I plan to continue loving myself as much as I can so that I can love them. It always starts with ourselves, and the love I have for them is a testament to how much I love myself. I’m constantly trying my best to get out of situations that don’t serve me or my purpose. I encourage everyone to do the same. Don’t let your life be limited by people who want to keep you on standby with no regard to your personal struggles or need for support because it’s just unnecessary baggage that’s not needed. The way people treat you reflects how they feel about you, and once you accept that, you need to move with grace and not subject yourself to a lifestyle that doesn’t serve you.

Negative emotions can really affect your well-being. Feelings of being burdened, resentment, being gaslit, manipulated, or lied to can be detrimental to your mental and emotional health. So, choose yourself every time. The economy is rough, and nothing is promised. Live your life and share it with people who make you feel purposeful and passionate.

I don’t enjoy being in survival mode ever. I feel like I’ve done my part, being patient and understanding, thinking about others’ positions without any reciprocation. It’s rare to find someone who does something for you without reminding you of it. Genuine love shouldn’t come at the expense of your mental, physical, or spiritual health.

I’m thankful for my mom. The more I think about her, the more I realize it’s a parent’s lifelong responsibility to influence their children to be good, respectful, and mindful people. Sometimes it’s hard to accept things as they are, rather than as we wish them to be. But I’m coming to terms with it, and I think this will set me free.

I pray for continued wisdom, patience, and guidance. I hope that the good I put out will eventually align me with someone as real as I am. I don’t want to be in a relationship where my values are disrespected, where there are no morals or commitment to love and marriage. I hold my body, mind, and soul sacred and hope to make the best decisions for my future. We truly live once, and if we do it right, it’s enough.

Akira, Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Malynah, Maylana, Meditation, Romance, Self Reflection

🧘🏻‍♀️🌱🍚⚖️🧹🧺 Dear Diary, Meditation has become a new commitment for me,

Posted on April 27, 2024April 27, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

a journey toward healing and letting go of burdens.

It’s been a rough start to the day. Since Friday evening, I’ve been feeling upset and struggling to shake off this frustration. It’s like I’m not being understood, and my kindness and patience are being taken for granted. But there’s one person in my corner, and I’m incredibly grateful for their support. They encouraged me to shift my mindset away from a victim mindset and see challenges as opportunities for growth and elevation in my life.

My children have been a source of comfort, and today, they helped lift my spirits. I managed to sleep in a bit and was treated to breakfast, aka, brunch in bed, a rare but appreciated gesture. It was a mix of chicken and shrimp lumpia, maple sausages, and rice-perhaps a nod to my Asian heritage. My middle child even made me almond milk with Hershey’s chocolate syrup, which was a delightful touch.

I tried distracting myself with TikTok, but a phone call changed my mood from gloomy to motivated. After some cleaning around the house, we headed out. It’s been great stocking up the fridge with drinks, snacks, and groceries, making our home a comfortable sanctuary. We pay so much for rent, but we often overlook the comfort of home in favor of spending more money outside.

As I decluttered and refreshed our living space, I reflected on the importance of making home a safe and welcoming place. It’s a continual process, balancing new additions with purging and cleaning. But as long as I maintain balance, I’ll be okay.

We attempted to visit the State Capitol Park World Peace Rose Garden, but it was overrun with prom-goers. Seeing them brought back memories of my own milestones and reminded me of the ever-changing nature of life goals. Relationships, careers, and personal growth have become the new milestones, and finding genuine love and connection becomes increasingly valuable in today’s chaotic dating world.

As I grow older, I realize the importance of health, wealth, and cherishing life’s simple pleasures. Our bodies age, our energy wanes, and our priorities shift. It’s crucial to make wise decisions and nurture relationships while being mindful of our own well-being. I’m grateful for every day I’m given, for my loved ones, and for the opportunity to work on myself. Meditation has become a new commitment for me, a journey toward healing and letting go of burdens. I’m eager to overcome challenges and obstacles with grace and continue aligning myself with my goals.

I pray regularly for us all to make good decisions, hold ourselves accountable, and remain open to growth and change, never settling into stagnation. May we all pursue our passions, show kindness, and express gratitude, recognizing the brevity of life and the blessings we often take for granted. I’m deeply grateful for every day I’m given, striving to continually improve myself and be present for those I love and care for.