Dear Diary,

Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection

❤️‍🩹💭😶‍🌫️🫀🧠 Dear Diary, It’s amazing how the world sends signals and signs, even messages through dreams

Posted on June 22, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

about people who lack honesty and transparency.

This is my third attempt to get this draft published as a blog, and I have to admit, I’m feeling a whirlwind of emotions. I’m grateful my drafts have been a safe space for me.

In previous drafts, which never made it out, I mentioned how inflation is at an all-time high and likely to rise further. Life is already challenging enough without having to deal with energy vampires who smear your name and lack accountability and emotional intelligence. It’s incredibly draining. Today, I’ve decided I’ve had enough. I don’t need anyone watching my pockets and assuming my life is perfect because it’s not just about my finances.

It’s about how I perceive life, the relationships I invest in, and how I love and show up for myself. If the wrong people have access to your life, you’ll always feel drained, and your energy won’t be at its highest frequency. Today, I’m shedding feelings of exhaustion.

I’ve thought a lot about finding a safe space where I can be myself and serve my purpose on this planet. I’m excited for this journey, and I’m standing firm. I’ve set the precedent, and it will remain set.

There’s a saying that stays relevant: people talk about others because no one is interested when they talk about themselves. Just trying to get by doesn’t make any average basic person more than they are unless they’re adding value and purpose to your life or others.

Even though I’m a girls’ girl, I don’t encourage gossip or hatred. I’ve stopped associating with people who have drama in their lives because I want no part of it. Today, I’m just tuning into my aura and doing some cooking, pouring all my love and patience into my food. Each bite is savory, spicy, and delicious, with a delicate glaze of honey. It’s a reminder that there’s always something better than entertaining negative energy.

I’m staying on track and don’t want to expose myself to unnecessary trauma or drama. The love I have for myself is enough for 2 people, and I can’t wait to share it with someone who loves me unconditionally.

My job is to protect and love myself, and to know that I am enough. That’s what it comes down to. I am enough. I love me, the path I’m on, and how unbothered I am. To each their own.

Amy Douangmany, Blog, Romance, Self Reflection

🏖🏞🛫💍📆 Dear Diary, I hope that one day, someone will come into my life and remind me

Posted on June 19, 2024July 21, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

that loyalty and commitment to each other aren’t beyond my reach.

12:00 AM

Today, before I go to bed, I think about my sister. She’s out in Hawaii, and after all her hard work, patience, and selflessness, I am so thankful that for the past nine years, she’s had her man by her side. Their love is so admirable. Despite the little knickknacks in their relationship, they seem to have this undying loyalty and dedication to one another. I feel like that’s something I haven’t been able to have in the past, and I’m so happy for her. Love is such a beautiful thing. It really is.

I hope that one day, someone will come into my life and remind me that loyalty and commitment to each other aren’t beyond my reach. The world is so big, but the love that I have is so limited. Whoever it is that I love, be it friends, family, or pets, the love I give is so voluminous—it is without limitations or conditions. I hope that one day, I get lucky enough to have someone reciprocate that to me.

I hope that my sister’s trip continues to bring back the best memories for the rest of her life. I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii. I’ve always wanted to have that kind of love. The glitz, the glam—it will never compare to a love that is so delicate, patient, and genuine. I hope that the love they share remains consistent, that it doesn’t fade, that it doesn’t tarnish, and that they continue to add to it, despite the stresses of daily life.

I want so much for the people that I love. I know that some people have had to be left behind, and some are in the process of being left behind. There are so many who are about to acquire the kind of love and affection that I offer. But life is so short. I hope that each and every day, I continue to choose me until someone actually shows me, instead of just telling me, that they choose me. I am so excited for my sister’s future. She truly deserves all of it. I love you, sis.

I love you.

Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing

🪩🎂⏳️🍋🌻 Dear Diary, “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack comes on

Posted on June 7, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

and it makes me think of a friend.

I know that today is naturally a very challenging day for me so far, but I’m trying my best to stay in a good mood. It hasn’t been easy with all this traffic. Finally, I’m having my first meal after 5:00 PM. Surprisingly, it’s not so bad after all. Here I am, enjoying my crispy chicken tenders, amazing crinkle-cut fries, and I’m dunking them both in this delightful Cane’s sauce. To wash it all down, I’m sipping on some fresh cold lemonade.

Then, “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack comes on, and it makes me think of a friend. She dedicated this song to me last month, and it was incredibly sweet. It’s the first time anyone has ever dedicated a song to me in a long time. She did it because I was going through some hard times in my life. When we caught up, we were very open about our struggles and vulnerabilities. I remember using Shazam to make sure I got the song right and took a screenshot. I sent it to her with a sweet text message.

Today is her birthday, and I’m very hopeful that she will triumph over the hard times and darkness she’s currently experiencing, just like I am trying to do. Although I have had some losses and some victories, there is no security in the unknown. I’m trying to stay as positive as possible.

When I do lose my cool and feel overwhelmed or emotional because of life’s journey, I try to give myself a break and not be so hard on myself. At the end of the day, I am just human, like everyone else. We’re all trying to process and deal with the traumas we encounter on a regular basis. So, with that being said, today I’m going to continue to move forward and take it easy. I’m hoping that over time, things will gradually get easier and easier, and these feelings of uncertainty will become just a slight, faded memory.

Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, parenting, Self Reflection

🧖‍♀️👩‍👦👭👼🐈 Dear Diary, I’ve been on a journey of seeing the good in people

Posted on June 6, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

but now it’s about seeing the good in me.

Today marks yet another milestone for me. Last night, I had the best sleep in a long time. It’s as if my worries are gradually leaving my mind and life. I’ve been reflecting a lot, especially on the cycle of life and our existence. We live day by day, and it’s essential to see each day as a gift.

I’ve been on a journey of seeing the good in people, but now it’s about seeing the good in me. I see the good in myself and acknowledge the good I deserve. This morning, I stretched, turned, and tousled in bed, almost reluctant to get up. I realized I was fully rested for the first time in nearly two months. This feeling brought reassurance, and I approached my day differently than usual.

I hopped in the shower and shampooed my hair, excited for our first family portrait in two years. The last time I tried to do it myself, my hair was faded and didn’t look right in the photos. I might try to edit those old photos again to bring them to life. But today was wonderful.

Life’s challenges aren’t always visible; they can be psychological, mental, or emotional. As women, we face these challenges monthly with our periods, compounded by additional stresses. It’s overwhelming, and I commend everyone who perseveres.

We often don’t acknowledge how gracefully we navigate each day, especially in today’s economy. Many of us enter this world without resources, family, or friends. But today, I felt good. I captured a few behind-the-scenes moments with my children, filling my heart with happiness. My passion for life centers around my relationship with them. I’m eager to understand their thoughts and personalities as they grow, influenced by people, teachers, celebrities, and little things that catch their attention.

I strive to continue to be an idol for them. When times get tough, I want them to think of how hard Mom worked and how she always made things happen without tolerating drama or gossip. I choose kindness, and when I can’t, I choose silence or empathy. This emotional intelligence and awareness have strengthened my character, reputation, and credibility.

We went for a nice fancy dinner, and I focused on quality time and sharing ideas with my children rather than spoiling them with luxuries. As they grow older and understand hard work’s value, I’ll introduce them to the more finer things. I’ve learned that sometimes we self-sabotage and miss opportunities for healthy relationships by being passive.

I’ve become protective of my presence, energy, and the details of my life. I no longer share my plans or achievements with everyone. There’s peace and security in executing plans and experiencing rewards for oneself. Mistakes teach resilience, and not everyone needs to know your wins or losses.

As the night concludes, my heart is full, and I’m grateful for the memories created with my children on this special birthday. I wouldn’t have wanted to spend it with anyone else but them.

Cheers to another year.

Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Meditation, Romance, Self Reflection, Travel

👰🏽‍♀️⚘️🍸🎁🪡 Dear Diary, Today, I make a solemn promise to myself:

Posted on May 27, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

One day, I will no longer cry because of the pain others have inflicted upon me.

I will rise above the hurtful feelings, the disrespect, and the sense of not being good enough.

People’s negative thoughts and words about me have weighed heavily on my spirit while I struggle to survive and make the best of each day. Despite their efforts to tear me down, I tell myself that I will not cry. I will keep a straight face, perhaps with a knowing smirk.

But beyond that, I aspire to smile and laugh. I want to be pleasant and joyful in every moment of my life. If I were to cry then, it would be only tears of joy, seeing the fruits of my labor, the values I instill in my children, and the love I share with the man I choose to be my husband.

I’m starting to realize that looks only go so far, especially as I grow older. I can’t maintain what others expect of me forever, but I can ensure that I take good care of myself. I will continue to vibrate at the highest frequency, manifest my dreams, and exude my divine feminine energy, my genuine heart, and pure beauty.

I seek to be valued and respected by only the purest forms of love. Just because you are unaware of it, it exists, particularly for me. Therefore, I will ultimately be on the path to where I need to go. I will always be on time, arriving exactly when I am meant to.

Just know that much, dear diary.

Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection

💭🍷🏛🎠⌚️ Dear Diary, I’m starting to realize that I am ready to gatekeep every little thing about me

Posted on May 17, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

because I’m on a different path now. My path is all about peace and privacy.

Today, I feel good. It’s a very interesting kind of good because, amongst all the chaos, distractions, and overthinking, there’s something good about just doing things. Not going places and socializing, or sleeping or sitting—anything stagnant. It really surprised me today that just getting up to clean, constantly focusing on cleaning, putting stuff away, cooking, and just focusing on eating—these little tasks really keeps me occupied. I’m using my day today to semi-disconnect from people.

As I reach out to people, I’m starting to realize that I must re-evaluate my stance with individuals I reach out to. Life is about priorities – people, events, and things important to you will always hold priority. Those that don’t obviously won’t. Of course, I know this because I deal with life the same way. It’s okay not to be a priority in everyone’s life, as long as the people I prioritize also prioritize me. I think that’s fair.

There is something about being understanding that we need todwell further in. Being understanding means you’re nice, and good girls always finish last. It’s always the villains who have that darker side that comes off as stuck up or too much to handle yet those people usually suffer less because no one can access their time, energy, or personal life. I’m on my way down that path right now, where I don’t feel the need to overshare. Even when it comes to my intellect and intelligence, I don’t believe that everyone should have access to it. As I continue to grow wiser over time, with my experiences and the different obstacles and challenges in life, I’m starting to realize that I am ready to gatekeep every little thing about me because I’m on a different path now. My path is all about peace and privacy because what people don’t know, they can’t attack. What people don’t understand, they will confuse, and they will try to define it in a way that can either hurt or help you. So, the less you speak, the less you show and tell, the less damage or intervening they can do in general.

I value the idea of protecting myself as an individual, including my goals, my plans, and my attempts to recover any happiness that I’ve lost over time. Not only do I intend to recover happiness that may have been taken away from me, especially without my consent, but my intention is also to increase and add to my happiness. I am so excited about this journey of mine into this new era.

For now, the journey has been going well. Too well.

Toodles.

Akira, Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Romance, Self Reflection

💫🫶🏼🧖‍♀️🦚🥂 Dear Diary, Time really is of the essence.

Posted on May 16, 2024May 17, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

It is important to live a life with purpose.

It’s been a while since I wrote.

And with everything going on, there’s so much to write about.

Suddenly, off I go into a world where my time seems to constantly slip away. There never seems to be enough of it, and it’s being filled with a bunch of nothings and some things. I know none of this makes sense, but it’s okay. Because somewhat, somehow, it makes sense to me.

I poured in hot water and closed the lid to my ramen bowl. I walked towards my bedroom, and I felt good. My room is a mess. I haven’t fully unpacked from my vacation, so things are once again out of place. I look up at the ceiling; it is spinning, and I feel tired yet restless simultaneously. I allow my thoughts to consume the moment.

Have you ever spent so much time telling yourself not to think about someone while doing it at the same time? Have you ever had to experience a pain that relives itself multiple times a day, every single day, for about a month now? And that pain seems to have a never-ending level of hurt. Right when I feel like I’m hurting so much, I feel like there’s always more pain to be felt.

There is something that I’ve been yearning for. I can’t seem to get there, at least not yet. But I feel like when I do, I will feel this just as intensely and consistently and persistently as the pain I’ve had to endure every single day. I’m starting to appreciate myself more because I don’t feel like people fully appreciate me enough. And I’m starting to realize that they can’t appreciate me enough because they don’t even know how to appreciate themselves. They don’t know what to appreciate at all, actually.

Time really is of the essence. It is important to live a life with purpose, to move with purpose and intention because, in order to grow, you need to continue to find your purpose, passions, and intentions. You need to continue to stimulate your mind and challenge your thinking process.

I have this feeling that maybe manifestations do come true, and when they do, it might be in the best form ever, in the most genuine and craziest ways. I feel like I deserve so much, and maybe, maybe it’s just a matter of time for everyone and everything to get lined up. Maybe it’s all worth it in the end because, for everything that I’ve been through, I feel like I deserve it. I deserve the most sincere love, the most intentional love and support, and the freedom that I’ve always wanted to have. I feel like I’ve been trapped in a world of hopelessness and constant struggling, and you know, I really feel like I am ready to receive. I’ve taken the steps to heal, to be the best person that I can be at this moment, and I welcome changes, challenges, and opportunities because I am worthy of them and I will never hesitate to prove that.

Akira, Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Malynah, Maylana, Meditation, Romance, Self Reflection

🧘🏻‍♀️🌱🍚⚖️🧹🧺 Dear Diary, Meditation has become a new commitment for me,

Posted on April 27, 2024April 27, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

a journey toward healing and letting go of burdens.

It’s been a rough start to the day. Since Friday evening, I’ve been feeling upset and struggling to shake off this frustration. It’s like I’m not being understood, and my kindness and patience are being taken for granted. But there’s one person in my corner, and I’m incredibly grateful for their support. They encouraged me to shift my mindset away from a victim mindset and see challenges as opportunities for growth and elevation in my life.

My children have been a source of comfort, and today, they helped lift my spirits. I managed to sleep in a bit and was treated to breakfast, aka, brunch in bed, a rare but appreciated gesture. It was a mix of chicken and shrimp lumpia, maple sausages, and rice-perhaps a nod to my Asian heritage. My middle child even made me almond milk with Hershey’s chocolate syrup, which was a delightful touch.

I tried distracting myself with TikTok, but a phone call changed my mood from gloomy to motivated. After some cleaning around the house, we headed out. It’s been great stocking up the fridge with drinks, snacks, and groceries, making our home a comfortable sanctuary. We pay so much for rent, but we often overlook the comfort of home in favor of spending more money outside.

As I decluttered and refreshed our living space, I reflected on the importance of making home a safe and welcoming place. It’s a continual process, balancing new additions with purging and cleaning. But as long as I maintain balance, I’ll be okay.

We attempted to visit the State Capitol Park World Peace Rose Garden, but it was overrun with prom-goers. Seeing them brought back memories of my own milestones and reminded me of the ever-changing nature of life goals. Relationships, careers, and personal growth have become the new milestones, and finding genuine love and connection becomes increasingly valuable in today’s chaotic dating world.

As I grow older, I realize the importance of health, wealth, and cherishing life’s simple pleasures. Our bodies age, our energy wanes, and our priorities shift. It’s crucial to make wise decisions and nurture relationships while being mindful of our own well-being. I’m grateful for every day I’m given, for my loved ones, and for the opportunity to work on myself. Meditation has become a new commitment for me, a journey toward healing and letting go of burdens. I’m eager to overcome challenges and obstacles with grace and continue aligning myself with my goals.

I pray regularly for us all to make good decisions, hold ourselves accountable, and remain open to growth and change, never settling into stagnation. May we all pursue our passions, show kindness, and express gratitude, recognizing the brevity of life and the blessings we often take for granted. I’m deeply grateful for every day I’m given, striving to continually improve myself and be present for those I love and care for.

Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing

🧖‍♀️🏋️‍♀️💅🕐🛒 Dear Diary, My new mantra—”It ain’t that deep”—

Posted on April 26, 2024April 26, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

is a reminder to relinquish the burden of overthinking and embrace the transient nature of life’s tribulations.

At 6 PM, the day began splendidly shortly after my departure from the salon with a fresh pedicure and new nail set. Engaging in an invigorating session with my personal trainer, I embraced the opportunity to diversify my workout routine, exploring novel equipment and techniques aimed at sculpting my body into an hourglass figure, a vision I hold dear.

Following the training session, I lingered at the gym for an additional two hours, relishing the chance to connect with friends and glean further insights into optimizing my workouts, particularly focusing on enhancing my glutes. The camaraderie and willingness to share effective exercise methods among fellow gym-goers underscored the supportive atmosphere, prompting me to reciprocate by offering a listening ear and sharing my own expertise.

Reflecting on the day’s interactions, I pondered the value of empathy and understanding, recognizing that each individual possesses unique experiences and capabilities shaped by their respective journeys. Mutual respect and appreciation for diverse backgrounds fostered a sense of community and camaraderie.

Upon leaving the gym, I embarked on a quest for nourishment, leading me to venture into an unspecified area colloquially known as the “ghetto.” Despite my anticipation, the culinary excursion proved disappointing as the food was cold and lackluster, prompting a decision to seek culinary satisfaction elsewhere.

My journey took me to a 24-hour WinCo in Placer County, where I stocked up on groceries and attended to personal matters while reveling in moments of solitude within the confines of my Mercedes-Benz. Subsequently, I sought refuge in a familiar late-night eatery, appreciating the concern expressed by loved ones regarding my whereabouts, especially given my nocturnal inclinations.

Reflecting on my upbringing and the virtues instilled by my parents, namely discipline and resilience, I acknowledged the significance of delayed gratification and the intrinsic value of earning one’s rewards.

Cruising home with $300 in groceries around 2am down the Interstate 80, I immersed myself in a period of introspection, grappling with the complexities of grief and the toll it exacts on emotional well-being. I’ve come to accept things as they are to an extent and found solace in the simplicity of a mantra—”It ain’t that deep”—a reminder to relinquish the burden of overthinking and embrace the transient nature of life’s tribulations.

This mantra resonates deeply with me. It’s a reminder that most things aren’t as profound or complex as we make them out to be. We tend to overthink, but in reality, nothing is truly that profound. Each day, I strive to shed the burden of overthinking, understanding that nothing in life is permanent. Even if something feels significant, its depth is often fleeting, lasting only moments or hours. Only major life events like weddings or funerals hold enduring depth. The arrival of a newborn reminds us of the cycle of life, where one life begins as another ends. Amidst this whirlwind, I find solace in reflection, pouring over past journal entries to gauge my growth and discern what truly matters amidst the noise of desires and needs.

As I chronicled my thoughts in a journal, I contemplated the cyclical nature of healing and self-discovery, drawing strength from the resilience cultivated through past trials. Despite the uncertainty that loomed on the horizon, I remained steadfast in my aspirations, harboring hopes of expanding my family and relishing the joys of parenthood.

In the quietude of the night, surrounded by the echoes of my musings, I found contentment in the realization that, ultimately, I possessed all that I needed—a resilient spirit, cherished relationships, and an unwavering resolve to navigate life’s ever-unfolding journey.

Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Romance, Self Reflection

🧶🎨🪁🪀🎱 Dear Diary, I crave the freedom to be vulnerable,

Posted on April 24, 2024April 24, 2024 by Ms. Amy D

to confide without fear of judgment or misunderstanding.

As the clock ticked to 11:11 PM, today unfolded far from the ideal day I had envisioned. With a spark of optimism, I ventured downtown, aiming to find solace at the downtown gym. The allure of its pristine sauna and steam room, reserved exclusively for women, promised a sanctuary of cleanliness and privacy. I went between the sauna and steam room and have been reading the latest version of 48 Laws of Power.

I enjoyed the comforting steam. A wave of anxiety engulfed me. Quarrelsome thoughts churned within, prompting a sobering realization: anxiety had become an unwelcome companion, nudging me to relearn the art of inner peace.

It’s a struggle I know I don’t endure alone. My heart aches for those navigating similar turbulent seas. Yearning for stability and structure, I crave the freedom to be vulnerable, to confide without fear of judgment or misunderstanding.

In my quest for that elusive connection, I seek a beacon of support, a pillar to lean on during life’s tempests. Though I pride myself on strength and independence, there are moments when the weight of it all becomes too much to bear. In those moments, I long for just one person, someone I can trust implicitly.

One person, to whom I can bare my soul, unburden my fears, and find solace in the embrace of understanding and kindness. Just one person, to journey alongside me through life’s rough patches, offering a steady hand and a compassionate heart.

As the clock struck 11:23 PM, a pang of longing swept over me for Chase. Our bond felt profound, a sanctuary where I found solace and security. There was this endearing ritual between us, a silent exchange of love as I gently placed my hand over his paw or placing his paws over my hand, transmitting affection without words. Love that was telepathic and real.

Yet, the more I nurtured, the more I seemed to lose. It puzzled me, akin to the paradox of sand slipping through clenched fists. I wasn’t holding too tightly, just enough to cherish, yet everything I cherished slipped away.

It’s a poignant ache, navigating through the debris of shattered aspirations, yearning for support that seems elusive. My heart sank as my phone buzzed, only to find it was my dad, a beacon of unwavering love. His call to inquire about me and my sister’s birthdays brought a flicker of joy.

My dad truly is an incredible person. He mentioned not having gifts but offering birthday money instead. While I’m tempted to decline, I always accept because I know it brings him joy.

It’s often the smallest gestures that bring me the greatest joy, like receiving a heartfelt birthday card with a personal message. It doesn’t have to come with a lavish gift or money; the sentiment alone is enough to brighten my day. Sadly, many people overlook the value of simplicity and fail to appreciate the treasure found in these little acts of kindness. Birthdays, once a celebration, now feel like markers of time passing. Birthdays may no longer evoke the same excitement, and relationships may feel fraught with challenges, but within these struggles lies the opportunity to cherish the moments of genuine connection and kindness.

Relationships, once promising and beautiful, now feel like doomed endeavors, constantly besieged by unseen forces. Each sabotage cuts deep, revealing how much those connections truly meant to me. It’s as if empathy and support have become foreign concepts, leaving me feeling adrift and compelled to self-destruct.

Whether it’s the relentless march of time or the whims of fate, I refuse to be a casualty of circumstances beyond my control. All I yearn for is a sanctuary where I can simply exist without the weight of the world crushing down upon me.