Category: Romance

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Parenthood, Romance, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, People don’t know if this is my final rock bottom…

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

and they won’t.

Tonight, I cried. Not because I’m weak. Not because I’ve given up. But because I’ve carried so much — silently — and I still show up with love in my hands.

It’s strange, how I can be surrounded by people yet feel like I have no safe person. No one I can fully collapse into without guarding parts of myself. I’ve learned I have to be limited — measured — in how much I share, how deeply I trust, how loudly I hurt. Not because I want to hide, but because I’ve had to protect the very parts of me that make me real.

Still, I choose to believe there’s purpose in this path. That my patience and my perseverance aren’t being wasted. That even when no one sees the full weight of what I carry — God does. And maybe that’s why I’ve been gifted this quiet resilience. This sacred ability to hold space for others even when I have no space being held for me.

I don’t move through life trying to prove I’m better than anyone. I just want to be good. To live gently. To love without conditions. To influence without forcing. And I think I have — because I’m starting to see people reflect back the values I’ve modeled: consistency, softness, non-transactional love, showing up without demanding anything in return.

It’s honoring… but also bittersweet.

I’ve given without titles. Loved without needing to be announced. Held others through their struggles while never unloading my own. And even though I’ve struggled — silently, sleeplessly, sick, and stretched thin — I’m still standing.

I am the source of my own survival.
And I’m not using that source unless I absolutely have to.
That restraint? That quiet? That’s my power.

People don’t know if this is my final rock bottom — and they won’t. Because I’ve learned that mystery is a form of protection. People are curious how I keep going. How I still have faith. How I haven’t collapsed under the weight. And the truth is: I just keep moving. I take the risk of silence, the risk of patience, the risk of trusting the slow work. Even when I’m scared. Even when I’m unsure. Even when it hurts.

Because I know good things are coming.
Because I know being a good person does pay off — even if it’s delayed.

I know this process is long. I know it’s slow. I know it’s not easy. But it’s mine. And I’m proud of myself for how I’ve carried it.

Thank you, God, for keeping me grounded. For keeping my voice steady when my heart is heavy. For reminding me that I don’t need to chase, perform, or prove. I just need to trust — that everything I’ve given in love, in patience, in silence — is being returned in ways I can’t yet see.

I have faith.
And I will always have faith.

—
Love,
Amy

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Meditation, Parenthood, Romance, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, I spent years building this golden pyramid…

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

in the middle of my own emotional Egypt.

Sometimes… when I slow down enough to really feel, I realize how blurry my vision can get—not just my physical sight, but the way I see life, people, my place in the world. It’s like trying to peer through fog while your heart is pounding out of your chest, and you don’t even know why. All day, there’s been this tightness in my chest, like something invisible is pressing down on me.

What is eating me alive? What am I missing?

It feels like I’ve slipped into a sudden freefall. A steep drop. One day I was soaring, the next—crashing. And yet, somewhere in the middle of the storm, I still see her—me—this one-woman show, this Cleopatra of modern chaos. I laugh quietly to myself. Yes, that’s me… Cleopatra, British in grace, divine in survival. Royal, even if my throne feels like it’s made of sand today.

I spent years building this golden pyramid in the middle of my own emotional Egypt—layer by layer, pain by pain, triumph by triumph. I really did that. I am her. And of course, I had my cats beside me, always. Not all are here anymore, but I carry them with me still.

And now… it just feels like my pyramid is crumbling. Like every polished stone I laid down is being torn apart by winds I can’t control.

Why does it feel like the foundation I gave everything to is failing me now?

I close my eyes and picture myself drifting—lost at sea. Not drowning, not dead, just… floating. Alone on a small boat, bobbing in the middle of nowhere. The kind of lost that doesn’t come with panic, just this hollow ache.

I’m trying so hard to stay afloat. I’ve been trained to weather storms, but no one really talks about the aftermath. The quiet damages that show up later, in you, in your space, in your peace.

The truth is, even the safest places in life—your home, your friendships, your mind—can be breached. Can be trespassed. And maybe, just maybe, my little boat has a leak. A small one, but isn’t that always how it starts? Tiny cracks you don’t notice until you’re knee-deep in water, trying to fix it with tired hands.

Where’s the leak coming from? Why can’t I find it? And if I do, will I even have the strength to repair it?

Sometimes, it’s the people closest to you. The ones you thought were anchors… turn out to be the holes in the hull. You share your plans, your progress, your heart—and they watch. Some genuinely care. Others? They watch because they want to see you fall. Closer. Slower. Harder.

It’s strange, isn’t it? How people want to humble you. Not out of love, but envy. Or maybe it’s their own pain they’re projecting.

I had to pause just now—this kind man asked me to take pictures of him and a young boy—maybe his son, maybe grandson, I couldn’t tell. Funny how life does that… how it keeps things undefined. Still, the way he looked at that boy, the care in his eyes as he taught him to swim—it was pure. He wanted to capture the moment. Not for Instagram. For memory.

And I thought… that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

Not being perfect. Not having it all figured out. Just being there when it matters. Loving someone enough to show up again and again—even if it’s messy. Even if there’s a history. Even if the tides are rough.

Expecting loyalty from people—real, lasting loyalty—it’s almost impossible. People are human. They’re flawed, they’re fickle. They change their minds, they wander. They want to feel, explore, escape. And maybe… maybe we’ve misunderstood loyalty. Maybe what I crave isn’t someone who stays just for the sake of staying, but someone who shows up when it counts. Who sees me, supports me—beyond intimacy, beyond obligation.

Maybe that’s the loyalty I’m really longing for.

I keep dreaming about the day I wake up and don’t feel this tightness in my chest. A day that starts without anxiety, without dread, without wondering if I’m too much or not enough. A day where I don’t feel like a burden or like I’m trespassing in someone else’s peace.

There will be seasons where I’m not soft. Where I’m confused, where I’m guarded. But I remind myself, over and over again:

Nothing is permanent.

The only constant is change—and thank God for that.

So I welcome change now. I’m manifesting new keys—literal and symbolic. Keys to open new doors: of safety, of stability, of privacy. For me. For my children. For the life we deserve.

And honestly? Sometimes I’m stunned I’ve made it this far. Because all I’ve really been doing is breathing. Breathing and fighting. And still breathing.

But oh—how I long for the days when things shift. When it’s not just survival, but living. When I see people living out loud—luxury, love, trips, late-night dances, hand-holding on balconies—I don’t envy them.

Because I know life is seasonal. Those couples? They’ll have storms too. And if they never do… then their greatest challenge will be how they handle the storm when it finally hits.

And that, I’ve learned, is the true test.

—
Until tomorrow,
Me

(the queen, the sailor, the builder of pyramids made of hope)

Posted in Akira, Amy Douangmany, Ariyah, Malynah, Maylana, Romance, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, There’s a saying I once heard:

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

to truly love someone, you need to know them.

It’s 1:40 AM, and my mind is swimming in this strange déjà vu. Here I am, exchanging messages with someone whose name I don’t know, whose gender I couldn’t even guess, and whose life feels worlds apart from mine. They’re from Singapore, studying in China, and somehow, across the vast oceans and time zones, they reached out with an invitation to join a TikTok Creators Live Network. I don’t entirely grasp the concept yet, but their gesture fills me with excitement and possibility.

It’s funny—this feels like having a pen pal in the digital age. We’re connected not by stamps but by a shared energy, a quiet understanding. This person, whoever they are, seems genuinely invested in my growth, and that’s humbling. It reminds me of something I’ve been realizing lately: sometimes, the people who want the best for you come from unexpected places. This moment feels like a blessing, a tiny seed of hope planted in the soil of my journey.

After a beautiful week with my children—my girls lighting up the weekend with their smiles—I’ve found this unwavering belief in the idea that everything will be okay. My kids deserve every ounce of love I can give, and they remind me, over and over, why I keep pushing forward. People come and go in life, often leaving scars, but my children’s love? It’s as pure and unconditional as it gets.

There’s a saying I once heard: to truly love someone, you need to know them. That resonates deeply with me, especially when I think of my kids. They notice the smallest details about me—when I’m tired, when I’m worried—and their concern touches my soul in ways I can’t describe. Their love teaches me that sacrifices aren’t burdens but bridges to something greater.

Yet, with love comes vulnerability. Not all connections are safe; some come with their share of betrayal and hurt. And then there are those rare ones that feel like home—no drama, no pretense, just a quiet kind of love. Those connections remind me that love doesn’t need flashy titles, material gifts, or grand gestures. Sometimes, love is simply enough.

I’ve been reflecting on how much of myself I’ve given away in relationships. Sharing your story, your quirks, and your dreams with someone feels like an investment, but when things end, it can feel like they’ve walked away with pieces of you. Still, even in those moments, there’s growth. You learn, you heal, and you come to understand that every connection, fleeting or lasting, has its purpose.

So here’s my takeaway for today: love, in all its forms, is never wasted. Whether it’s a stranger reaching out across the globe, the quiet bond with my children, or a connection that leaves without warning, every thread of love weaves into the fabric of who we are. And that, I think, is the real gift.

Love always,

Amy

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Romance, Self Reflection

🏖🏞🛫💍📆 Dear Diary, I hope that one day, someone will come into my life and remind me

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

that loyalty and commitment to each other aren’t beyond my reach.

12:00 AM

Today, before I go to bed, I think about my sister. She’s out in Hawaii, and after all her hard work, patience, and selflessness, I am so thankful that for the past nine years, she’s had her man by her side. Their love is so admirable. Despite the little knickknacks in their relationship, they seem to have this undying loyalty and dedication to one another. I feel like that’s something I haven’t been able to have in the past, and I’m so happy for her. Love is such a beautiful thing. It really is.

I hope that one day, someone will come into my life and remind me that loyalty and commitment to each other aren’t beyond my reach. The world is so big, but the love that I have is so limited. Whoever it is that I love, be it friends, family, or pets, the love I give is so voluminous—it is without limitations or conditions. I hope that one day, I get lucky enough to have someone reciprocate that to me.

I hope that my sister’s trip continues to bring back the best memories for the rest of her life. I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii. I’ve always wanted to have that kind of love. The glitz, the glam—it will never compare to a love that is so delicate, patient, and genuine. I hope that the love they share remains consistent, that it doesn’t fade, that it doesn’t tarnish, and that they continue to add to it, despite the stresses of daily life.

I want so much for the people that I love. I know that some people have had to be left behind, and some are in the process of being left behind. There are so many who are about to acquire the kind of love and affection that I offer. But life is so short. I hope that each and every day, I continue to choose me until someone actually shows me, instead of just telling me, that they choose me. I am so excited for my sister’s future. She truly deserves all of it. I love you, sis.

I love you.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Meditation, Romance, Self Reflection, Travel

👰🏽‍♀️⚘️🍸🎁🪡 Dear Diary, Today, I make a solemn promise to myself:

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

One day, I will no longer cry because of the pain others have inflicted upon me.

I will rise above the hurtful feelings, the disrespect, and the sense of not being good enough.


People’s negative thoughts and words about me have weighed heavily on my spirit while I struggle to survive and make the best of each day. Despite their efforts to tear me down, I tell myself that I will not cry. I will keep a straight face, perhaps with a knowing smirk.

But beyond that, I aspire to smile and laugh. I want to be pleasant and joyful in every moment of my life. If I were to cry then, it would be only tears of joy, seeing the fruits of my labor, the values I instill in my children, and the love I share with the man I choose to be my husband.

I’m starting to realize that looks only go so far, especially as I grow older. I can’t maintain what others expect of me forever, but I can ensure that I take good care of myself. I will continue to vibrate at the highest frequency, manifest my dreams, and exude my divine feminine energy, my genuine heart, and pure beauty.

I seek to be valued and respected by only the purest forms of love. Just because you are unaware of it, it exists, particularly for me. Therefore, I will ultimately be on the path to where I need to go. I will always be on time, arriving exactly when I am meant to.

Just know that much, dear diary.

Posted in Akira, Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Romance, Self Reflection

💫🫶🏼🧖‍♀️🦚🥂 Dear Diary, Time really is of the essence.

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

It is important to live a life with purpose.

It’s been a while since I wrote.

And with everything going on, there’s so much to write about.

Suddenly, off I go into a world where my time seems to constantly slip away. There never seems to be enough of it, and it’s being filled with a bunch of nothings and some things. I know none of this makes sense, but it’s okay. Because somewhat, somehow, it makes sense to me.

I poured in hot water and closed the lid to my ramen bowl. I walked towards my bedroom, and I felt good. My room is a mess. I haven’t fully unpacked from my vacation, so things are once again out of place. I look up at the ceiling; it is spinning, and I feel tired yet restless simultaneously. I allow my thoughts to consume the moment.

Have you ever spent so much time telling yourself not to think about someone while doing it at the same time? Have you ever had to experience a pain that relives itself multiple times a day, every single day, for about a month now? And that pain seems to have a never-ending level of hurt. Right when I feel like I’m hurting so much, I feel like there’s always more pain to be felt.

There is something that I’ve been yearning for. I can’t seem to get there, at least not yet. But I feel like when I do, I will feel this just as intensely and consistently and persistently as the pain I’ve had to endure every single day. I’m starting to appreciate myself more because I don’t feel like people fully appreciate me enough. And I’m starting to realize that they can’t appreciate me enough because they don’t even know how to appreciate themselves. They don’t know what to appreciate at all, actually.

Time really is of the essence. It is important to live a life with purpose, to move with purpose and intention because, in order to grow, you need to continue to find your purpose, passions, and intentions. You need to continue to stimulate your mind and challenge your thinking process.

I have this feeling that maybe manifestations do come true, and when they do, it might be in the best form ever, in the most genuine and craziest ways. I feel like I deserve so much, and maybe, maybe it’s just a matter of time for everyone and everything to get lined up. Maybe it’s all worth it in the end because, for everything that I’ve been through, I feel like I deserve it. I deserve the most sincere love, the most intentional love and support, and the freedom that I’ve always wanted to have. I feel like I’ve been trapped in a world of hopelessness and constant struggling, and you know, I really feel like I am ready to receive. I’ve taken the steps to heal, to be the best person that I can be at this moment, and I welcome changes, challenges, and opportunities because I am worthy of them and I will never hesitate to prove that.

Posted in Akira, Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Malynah, Maylana, Meditation, Romance, Self Reflection

🧘🏻‍♀️🌱🍚⚖️🧹🧺 Dear Diary, Meditation has become a new commitment for me,

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

a journey toward healing and letting go of burdens.

It’s been a rough start to the day. Since Friday evening, I’ve been feeling upset and struggling to shake off this frustration. It’s like I’m not being understood, and my kindness and patience are being taken for granted. But there’s one person in my corner, and I’m incredibly grateful for their support. They encouraged me to shift my mindset away from a victim mindset and see challenges as opportunities for growth and elevation in my life.

My children have been a source of  comfort, and today, they helped lift  my spirits. I managed to sleep in a bit  and was treated to breakfast, aka,  brunch in bed, a rare but appreciated  gesture. It was a mix of chicken and shrimp lumpia, maple sausages, and rice-perhaps a nod to my Asian  heritage. My middle child even made me almond milk with Hershey’s  chocolate syrup, which was a delightful touch. 

I tried distracting myself with TikTok, but a phone call changed my mood from gloomy to motivated. After some cleaning around the house, we headed out. It’s been great stocking up the fridge with drinks, snacks, and  groceries, making our home a  comfortable sanctuary. We pay so much for rent, but we often overlook the comfort of home in favor of spending more money outside. 

As I decluttered and refreshed our  living space, I reflected on the  importance of making home a safe  and welcoming place. It’s a continual  process, balancing new additions with  purging and cleaning. But as long as I  maintain balance, I’ll be okay. 

We attempted to visit the State Capitol Park World Peace Rose Garden, but it was overrun with  prom-goers. Seeing them brought back memories of my own milestones and reminded me of the ever-changing nature of life goals.  Relationships, careers, and personal  growth have become the new milestones, and finding genuine love and connection becomes increasingly valuable in today’s chaotic dating world. 

As I grow older, I realize the importance of health, wealth, and cherishing life’s simple pleasures. Our bodies age, our energy wanes, and our priorities shift. It’s crucial to  make wise decisions and nurture  relationships while being mindful of our own well-being. I’m grateful for every day I’m given, for my loved ones, and for the  opportunity to work on myself. Meditation has become a new  commitment for me, a journey  toward healing and letting go of  burdens. I’m eager to overcome challenges and obstacles with grace and continue aligning myself with my goals. 

I pray regularly for us all to make good decisions, hold ourselves accountable, and remain open to growth and change, never settling into stagnation. May we all pursue our passions, show kindness, and express gratitude, recognizing the brevity of life and the blessings we often take for granted. I’m deeply grateful for every day I’m given, striving to continually improve myself and be present for those I love and care for.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Romance, Self Reflection

🧶🎨🪁🪀🎱 Dear Diary, I crave the freedom to be vulnerable,

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

to confide without fear of judgment or misunderstanding.

As the clock ticked to 11:11 PM, today unfolded far from the ideal day I had envisioned. With a spark of optimism, I ventured downtown, aiming to find solace at the downtown gym. The allure of its pristine sauna and steam room, reserved exclusively for women, promised a sanctuary of cleanliness and privacy. I went between the sauna and steam room and have been reading the latest version of 48 Laws of Power.

I enjoyed the comforting steam. A wave of anxiety engulfed me. Quarrelsome thoughts churned within, prompting a sobering realization: anxiety had become an unwelcome companion, nudging me to relearn the art of inner peace.

It’s a struggle I know I don’t endure alone. My heart aches for those navigating similar turbulent seas. Yearning for stability and structure, I crave the freedom to be vulnerable, to confide without fear of judgment or misunderstanding.

In my quest for that elusive connection, I seek a beacon of support, a pillar to lean on during life’s tempests. Though I pride myself on strength and independence, there are moments when the weight of it all becomes too much to bear. In those moments, I long for just one person, someone I can trust implicitly.

One person, to whom I can bare my soul, unburden my fears, and find solace in the embrace of understanding and kindness. Just one person, to journey alongside me through life’s rough patches, offering a steady hand and a compassionate heart.

As the clock struck 11:23 PM, a pang of longing swept over me for Chase. Our bond felt profound, a sanctuary where I found solace and security. There was this endearing ritual between us, a silent exchange of love as I gently placed my hand over his paw or placing his paws over my hand, transmitting affection without words. Love that was telepathic and real.

Yet, the more I nurtured, the more I seemed to lose. It puzzled me, akin to the paradox of sand slipping through clenched fists. I wasn’t holding too tightly, just enough to cherish, yet everything I cherished slipped away.

It’s a poignant ache, navigating through the debris of shattered aspirations, yearning for support that seems elusive. My heart sank as my phone buzzed, only to find it was my dad, a beacon of unwavering love. His call to inquire about me and my sister’s birthdays brought a flicker of joy.

My dad truly is an incredible person. He mentioned not having gifts but offering birthday money instead. While I’m tempted to decline, I always accept because I know it brings him joy.

It’s often the smallest gestures that bring me the greatest joy, like receiving a heartfelt birthday card with a personal message. It doesn’t have to come with a lavish gift or money; the sentiment alone is enough to brighten my day. Sadly, many people overlook the value of simplicity and fail to appreciate the treasure found in these little acts of kindness. Birthdays, once a celebration, now feel like markers of time passing. Birthdays may no longer evoke the same excitement, and relationships may feel fraught with challenges, but within these struggles lies the opportunity to cherish the moments of genuine connection and kindness.

Relationships, once promising and beautiful, now feel like doomed endeavors, constantly besieged by unseen forces. Each sabotage cuts deep, revealing how much those connections truly meant to me. It’s as if empathy and support have become foreign concepts, leaving me feeling adrift and compelled to self-destruct.

Whether it’s the relentless march of time or the whims of fate, I refuse to be a casualty of circumstances beyond my control. All I yearn for is a sanctuary where I can simply exist without the weight of the world crushing down upon me.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Romance, Self Reflection

🌎🎈🪡💘 🐳 Dear Diary, In my world, respect, trust, and honesty reign supreme

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

while chaos and uncertainty are banished to the shadows.

Yesterday morning, a torrent of emotions surged through my mind like a tempestuous sea. It’s a peculiar sensation, this incessant fixation on You, an unwelcome guest in the chambers of my thoughts. Yet, within this turmoil, a flicker of gratitude emerges, faint but undeniable. Our journey, fraught with trials and tribulations, unfolds like a worn-out tapestry, its threads frayed and faded, yet still clinging to a semblance of meaning.

It’s perplexing, really, how our perspectives diverge, unable to meet at a common vantage point. Everything appears hazy and indistinct, like the lingering remnants of a dream. What it is exactly, I cannot fathom, but its presence looms over me, casting shadows of uncertainty.

In the stillness of the night, a different narrative unfolds, weaving threads of introspection and revelation. The more we resist, the more entangled we become, ensnared in the very web we seek to escape. Love, once pursued with fervor, now eludes me like a fleeting shadow, its allure diminished by the weight of reality.

Vulnerability, a sacred offering bestowed upon the worthy, becomes a precarious tightrope walk between intimacy and insecurity. The struggle is real, the battle against mismatched desires and divergent paths, a perpetual dance of missed steps and misplaced beats.

Exhaustion settles like a heavy shroud, a testament to the relentless pursuit of productivity and fulfillment. The dichotomy of gendered emotions surfaces, challenging preconceived notions and societal norms. Love, a precious commodity, comes at a cost too steep to bear, its currency measured in heartache and disillusionment.

The prospect of growth, of embarking on new adventures untethered by the whims of others, fills me with anticipation. In my world, respect, trust, and honesty reign supreme, while chaos and uncertainty are banished to the shadows.

And yet, despite the chasm that separates us, a lingering sadness persists, a reminder of what could have been. The realization dawns like a bitter truth, casting a pall over my weary soul. In the depths of despair, a flicker of resilience remains, a testament to the indomitable spirit within.

In the quiet solitude of 3:05 AM, amidst the ebb and flow of emotions, a simple truth emerges. Sometimes, our favorite places change, just as our favorite people do, leaving us adrift in a sea of uncertainty.