Author: Ms. Amy D

The woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet.
Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Meditation, Parenthood, Romance, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, I spent years building this golden pyramid…

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

in the middle of my own emotional Egypt.

Sometimes… when I slow down enough to really feel, I realize how blurry my vision can get—not just my physical sight, but the way I see life, people, my place in the world. It’s like trying to peer through fog while your heart is pounding out of your chest, and you don’t even know why. All day, there’s been this tightness in my chest, like something invisible is pressing down on me.

What is eating me alive? What am I missing?

It feels like I’ve slipped into a sudden freefall. A steep drop. One day I was soaring, the next—crashing. And yet, somewhere in the middle of the storm, I still see her—me—this one-woman show, this Cleopatra of modern chaos. I laugh quietly to myself. Yes, that’s me… Cleopatra, British in grace, divine in survival. Royal, even if my throne feels like it’s made of sand today.

I spent years building this golden pyramid in the middle of my own emotional Egypt—layer by layer, pain by pain, triumph by triumph. I really did that. I am her. And of course, I had my cats beside me, always. Not all are here anymore, but I carry them with me still.

And now… it just feels like my pyramid is crumbling. Like every polished stone I laid down is being torn apart by winds I can’t control.

Why does it feel like the foundation I gave everything to is failing me now?

I close my eyes and picture myself drifting—lost at sea. Not drowning, not dead, just… floating. Alone on a small boat, bobbing in the middle of nowhere. The kind of lost that doesn’t come with panic, just this hollow ache.

I’m trying so hard to stay afloat. I’ve been trained to weather storms, but no one really talks about the aftermath. The quiet damages that show up later, in you, in your space, in your peace.

The truth is, even the safest places in life—your home, your friendships, your mind—can be breached. Can be trespassed. And maybe, just maybe, my little boat has a leak. A small one, but isn’t that always how it starts? Tiny cracks you don’t notice until you’re knee-deep in water, trying to fix it with tired hands.

Where’s the leak coming from? Why can’t I find it? And if I do, will I even have the strength to repair it?

Sometimes, it’s the people closest to you. The ones you thought were anchors… turn out to be the holes in the hull. You share your plans, your progress, your heart—and they watch. Some genuinely care. Others? They watch because they want to see you fall. Closer. Slower. Harder.

It’s strange, isn’t it? How people want to humble you. Not out of love, but envy. Or maybe it’s their own pain they’re projecting.

I had to pause just now—this kind man asked me to take pictures of him and a young boy—maybe his son, maybe grandson, I couldn’t tell. Funny how life does that… how it keeps things undefined. Still, the way he looked at that boy, the care in his eyes as he taught him to swim—it was pure. He wanted to capture the moment. Not for Instagram. For memory.

And I thought… that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

Not being perfect. Not having it all figured out. Just being there when it matters. Loving someone enough to show up again and again—even if it’s messy. Even if there’s a history. Even if the tides are rough.

Expecting loyalty from people—real, lasting loyalty—it’s almost impossible. People are human. They’re flawed, they’re fickle. They change their minds, they wander. They want to feel, explore, escape. And maybe… maybe we’ve misunderstood loyalty. Maybe what I crave isn’t someone who stays just for the sake of staying, but someone who shows up when it counts. Who sees me, supports me—beyond intimacy, beyond obligation.

Maybe that’s the loyalty I’m really longing for.

I keep dreaming about the day I wake up and don’t feel this tightness in my chest. A day that starts without anxiety, without dread, without wondering if I’m too much or not enough. A day where I don’t feel like a burden or like I’m trespassing in someone else’s peace.

There will be seasons where I’m not soft. Where I’m confused, where I’m guarded. But I remind myself, over and over again:

Nothing is permanent.

The only constant is change—and thank God for that.

So I welcome change now. I’m manifesting new keys—literal and symbolic. Keys to open new doors: of safety, of stability, of privacy. For me. For my children. For the life we deserve.

And honestly? Sometimes I’m stunned I’ve made it this far. Because all I’ve really been doing is breathing. Breathing and fighting. And still breathing.

But oh—how I long for the days when things shift. When it’s not just survival, but living. When I see people living out loud—luxury, love, trips, late-night dances, hand-holding on balconies—I don’t envy them.

Because I know life is seasonal. Those couples? They’ll have storms too. And if they never do… then their greatest challenge will be how they handle the storm when it finally hits.

And that, I’ve learned, is the true test.

—
Until tomorrow,
Me

(the queen, the sailor, the builder of pyramids made of hope)

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, Call it Stockholm syndrome,

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

maybe.

I recently met someone.
I don’t know much about her yet — how could I?
We only just met.

But there’s something about her…
Her vision. Her aura. The way she carries herself with confidence, grace, and unwavering self-worth.
She invests in herself — not just financially, but spiritually, emotionally, energetically.
I’ve never encountered a woman who pours into herself so intentionally. It’s mesmerizing.

The breeze is soft today.
I’m outside, soaking up the sun, watching palm leaves dance in the wind.
It feels like something is coming.
Or maybe it’s something leaving.

Lately, I’ve been growing attached to that feeling — the unraveling.
It’s strange, isn’t it? How we become loyal to our pain.
Call it Stockholm syndrome, maybe.
We cling to what hurt us the most, start to love it even.
But the truth is, trauma hoards our energy. And we keep feeding it.

This woman I met — she told me something.
As she described it, I realized I’d been doing it too, slowly, consistently:
Detachment.

Not coldness. Not avoidance.
True detachment — the kind that honors what is, without clinging to what was.
And finally, I feel it:
I am learning to accept.
Not as a form of denial.
Not as an excuse.
But as a quiet, courageous choice to keep going anyway.

Even if I have to stand alone —
We will keep going.
And we won’t stop.

This isn’t just a monologue.
This is a dialogue —
Between me,
And the woman I’ve just met.
The one staring back at me from the mirror.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Meditation, Parenthood

Dear Diary, The greater the desire, the greater the disappointment—

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

especially when it’s rooted in fantasy, not foundation.

And here I am… back in the hot tub. Letting the warm water massage my calves, my legs, my thoughts. I’m just here, in cambo, reflecting.

There are so many things a person might want in this life. And for me, one of them — one I’ve always held close — was the hope of having a son. Sometimes I find myself watching other parents with their boys, quietly, maybe even a little curiously.

And then, the reality sets back in. We’re born with nothing. Just breath and the hope for time. Over time, we build skills, talents, memories, understanding, a sense of direction. We gain access to what we need: air, water, food, shelter, clothing. The essentials. But then we’re sold more — the appearance, the titles, the “dream job,” the lifestyle. We start investing in things, in images, in wants.

But at some point, a line has to be drawn: what we need vs. what we want. And the moment you truly accept that difference, everything shifts. Wants are just that — things you don’t need. When you invest too deeply in the wrong things, disappointment becomes a cycle. A habit. Because expectations grow in places they were never meant to.

The greater the desire, the greater the disappointment especially when it’s rooted in fantasy, not foundation.

Today, though… today was peaceful. Productive. I sat in stillness, listened to music, wrote my thoughts out across multiple diary posts. I did what I love most: people-watching. Observing life unfold around me. Watching kids be kids. Watching them love their parents. It’s beautiful to witness dependency in its purest form. Unconditional and trusting.

Independence? It’s loud. Overwhelming. It’s sold as freedom, but often it just turns you into a resource for others: your plants, your pets, your kids, your partner. And if those relationships aren’t balanced or healthy… that role can break you. Slowly. Quietly.

But today, I’m reclaiming my time. Just for me. I’ve created some space to thrive, to reflect, to isolate when needed — and I do well in solitude. I thrive in it. There’s safety there. Knowing that I exist not for others, but for my own goodness.

And that… that’s enough.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, I’ve fallen in love…

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

with psychology and I’ll stand on that.

I’m laid out in a two-piece bikini, soaking in the sun. Not to brag—but okay, maybe a little—I’ve been putting in the work, and my gluteus maximus is finally editing itself into the version I always envisioned. It’s wild how much of a difference movement alone can make. Just moving intentionally, persistently shifts everything. The way it sits. The way it feels. The way it changes. And change is everything. Without change, nothing grows. Nothing heals. Nothing improves. I didn’t realize how crucial that was until now. Life is about changing. Constantly.

The sun is beaming, and I’m in my thoughts—deep. I feel like I’m in my luteal stage. You know, that strange, awkward, mystical transition where you start to feel like an ogre. Not in a self-deprecating way, but in that Princess Fiona kind of way. Beautiful in strength, yet different from what the world usually deems beautiful. It’s funny how womanhood transforms you… How aging, growing, and unlearning makes you redefine what beauty even is.

I’ve been struggling to find the words to describe what I feel lately. There’s this deep intensity, like a wave that comes in quietly but drowns everything in its path. I guess I’ve been coming to terms with a hard truth: people carry silent resentment and animosity over decisions I made for myself. Decisions that made sense at the time. That stings. It’s not even about needing people to understand—but realizing they don’t want to, that’s different.

Earlier today, I found myself staring at my satin sets from Victoria’s Secret. Gorgeous hues: sage green, baby pink, pure white. $100 a pop, not counting taxes or the silent “bag fee” of being a woman who requires softness as part of her survival. It reminded me of how people romanticize rest without honoring what it takes to earn it. Satin and softness aren’t luxuries—they’re part of the restoration.

I grabbed my phone, my duffel bag; stuffed and stretched with all things “girl maintenance” and thought about a TikTok trend: Why do women show up to the gym like we’re moving in? But maybe that’s the point. Some of us are. We come prepared to stay. Not just for the reps, but for the recovery. For the release.

Let’s unpack the bag, shall we? Beats Studio3s, Powerbeats Pros, a caboodle full of tiny essentials: eyebrow pencil, Vaseline, aloe lip tints, floss, travel toothbrush. My wallet lives in there, too—cash, sentimental jewelry, the little things I won’t risk leaving in a locker. Not because I don’t trust people… okay, maybe a little. But mostly because I don’t trust myself to lock it.

Still, shoutout to the women at my gym. Saints, really. I’ve left full Goyard bags, Dior lip oils, cash peeking out—and not a thing’s ever been touched. Either I’m blessed or extremely lucky.

I pack for life: pre-workout, 3–5 clean pairs of socks, a separate pouch for the dirty ones, sandals for the sauna and jacuzzi. I don’t swim much, and haven’t built the tolerance but I’m pushing myself. Outdoor laps? That’s my next challenge. Because that’s what this chapter is about: doing the uncomfortable until it isn’t anymore.

Comfort comes after the chaos. Discipline turns into habit. And suddenly, the thing that scared you becomes second nature. That’s what I’m chasing: peace earned, not borrowed.

Lately, my emotions are wide-ranging. I can’t always tell what I want out of a situation or what the lesson even is. But I’m not rushing the clarity. I have a whole lifetime to learn.

These past few nights, I’ve been waking up around 4 or 5 a.m., parched and restless. It’s like the universe is whispering to me in a language I haven’t yet learned. Warning? Preparation? I don’t know. But I feel it coming.

And the internet. God, I love and hate it. So full of noise. Everyone looking, scrolling, reaching for answers they could maybe just live through instead. Sometimes I think life is meant to be experienced, not researched. Maybe we’ve become too dependent on knowing what to expect.

Here’s the truth: you can have everything. Pretty privilege. Opportunities. Access. And yet… still feel empty when, for the first time, you want something you can’t have. That kind of craving? It humbles you. It builds walls. It teaches you the risk of vulnerability. And sometimes, you’re just too bruised to try again.

Some endings are so final, they don’t leave space for friendship. Especially when feelings are involved. You can’t rebuild from certain ashes.

Next month, I turn another year wiser. Riper. I’ve done so much work—healing, studying human behavior, learning why people become who they are. I’ve fallen in love with psychology, and I’ll stand on that. It’s the only subject that makes sense of all the senseless things people do.

And sometimes, when you’ve been falling for so long, you forget you’re even falling. Imagine a balloon—weightless, drifting, pulled by winds it can’t control. That’s how I feel. Airborne, untethered, but still intact.

And maybe that’s okay.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Parenthood, Self Reflection, Uncategorized

Dear Diary, I remember someone once asked me,

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

“What are your fears?”

With everything good in life, there’s always a cost. Every beautiful thing we chase comes with a sacrifice. And as we grow older, the weight of responsibility doesn’t lighten—it deepens. There are seasons in life when we’re less independent—our youth, before we’ve found our footing… and later, in age, when fragility and time slow us down. In between is our prime—when we have the energy, the drive, and the ability to care for ourselves. But even in our prime, life demands more than it gives sometimes.

I remember someone once asked me, “What are your fears?” At the time, I didn’t realize that it was a probing question. It was a question designed to get beneath the surface. It wasn’t just about curiosity; it was about vulnerability. Maybe someone, somewhere, wanted to know what could be used against me. But I answered honestly.

I said I feared losing myself. Forgetting who I am, falling away from the things that bring me joy, and drifting from the passions that light me up. That answer still rings true. I realize now that our passions, the things we fiercely protect, are often our softest points. And when we make them visible, they become vulnerable to the world. It’s scary to love something so much that its absence could undo you.

Lately, I’ve been asking myself if I’ve been holding on too tight. Maybe I’ve been too disciplined, too rigid, trying so hard to do everything right; to heal, to grow, to protect my peace. But too much of anything can become a burden, even passion, even the desire for clarity and boundaries. Sometimes we wear our strength so openly, it becomes our weakness.

Still, I’ve come to understand that whether I fight for what matters or walk away from it, I’ll lose parts of myself either way. So I might as well fight. I might as well keep going, even when I’m tired. Because the alternative—letting go of who I am—is not an option I can live with.

There’s a line I’ve been thinking about ever since finishing You, Season 5. Right before the fire in the basement, Joe’s wife says something that stuck with me. She talks about being complicit, about how staying silent or going along with things carries its own kind of consequence. She didn’t use the word “karma,” but the word penance. The sentiment was the same. Even in stillness, there’s a price. And silence doesn’t make us innocent.

Today, I finally let out some emotions I’ve been bottling up. I’ve been trying to find my rhythm again to balance healing with striving, peace with ambition. And while I know the journey ahead won’t be easy, I also know it will be worth it. Breaking out of old habits, stepping beyond your comfort zone—it’s painful, but it’s powerful.

To anyone walking through their own storm: it doesn’t necessarily get easier. But you get stronger. And even in the darkest tunnel, there’s light eventually. Some tunnels are longer, and the midpoint can feel endless—but if you keep moving, even a faint glow is a sign you’re close. I think I’m finally beginning to see mine.

I want to be like that anglerfish deep in the ocean, carrying its own light. I’d rather reach the surface, even if it’s just for a moment of breath and brightness, than stay in the depths with those who have settled into the dark. I would rather breathe alone at the top than suffocate in the company of people who have stopped growing.

It might take years. It might take heartbreak, tears, rebuilding, and long pauses. But I’m here for it. I welcome every emotion this journey brings. Because this isn’t just about survival, it’s about becoming someone I’m proud of. And I know now: the light I’ve been chasing lives within me. I just have to keep choosing it.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Parenthood, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, I feel the subtle tension of holding on…

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

and the quiet ache of letting go.

Lately, I’ve found myself caught in a quiet whirlwind. Time has been slipping through my fingers faster than I can hold it, and no matter how much I try to slow it down, I always seem to be running behind it—chasing something I can’t quite name. The days blur, the weeks vanish, and I’m left breathless… not from the pace, but from the weight of everything I’m carrying.

There’s been so much happening all at once. Life has a way of stacking its demands like delicate teacups – each one fragile, necessary, and somehow always teetering. I spoke on my podcast earlier today about how high maintenance life really is. It sounds funny said aloud, but it’s true. To simply exist—especially as a mother – requires so much: water, nourishment, shelter, warmth, connection. Wi-Fi, for goodness’ sake. And if one piece goes missing, everything else begins to unravel.

Then there’s our health. It’s not just about surviving anymore; it’s about maintaining, nourishing, caring. You need appointments, treatments, transportation. And when you don’t have reliable transportation? Even the smallest task becomes a mountain to climb. It’s exhausting sometimes – this constant tending to the needs of life. But I do it, because I’m driven. I want more for myself. I deserve more. And deep down, I know I’m getting closer to a life that feels aligned with who I truly am.

Even my appetite has been changing in ways that surprise me. I’ve been craving simple, comforting meals; things like a messy hot dog, a classic Caesar salad, chicken salad on soft bread, creamy mac and cheese, or even just a humble cup of noodles. It’s almost childlike, the way these foods bring me joy. But it makes sense. As we grow older, even our tastes soften and shift. There’s something sacred about honoring the body you’re in, here and now, before time continues to sculpt and reshape you in ways you didn’t expect. This version of me, in this very moment, is the youngest I’ll ever be again. And that truth humbles me. It reminds me to savor things, to feel them deeply.

And so, I find myself standing in the in-between. I feel the subtle tension of holding on… and the quiet ache of letting go.

There’s a new lifestyle coming; one I’m choosing with full intention. One that asks me to commit, not just to doing better, but to being better. And yet, there’s a part of me that clings to who I’ve been. She’s been strong. She’s survived heartbreak, disappointment, isolation. She’s made something out of nothing. She adapted when life gave her less than she deserved. I love her for that. And it’s hard to say goodbye.

But the next version of me? She doesn’t need to survive anymore. She gets to thrive. Naturally, gently, with ease. She doesn’t hustle for worthiness. She doesn’t shrink herself to fit someone else’s comfort. She expands, blooms, and flourishes because that’s what she’s meant to do.

So this weekend, I’ll be both celebrating and mourning. Honoring the woman who got me here, and welcoming the one who’s long been waiting to be born.

She’s ready.
And so am I.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Parenthood, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, I still have hope

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

— hope that one day…

They say, “Don’t make decisions when you’re emotional” — whether you’re too happy or too upset. So, is the world expecting us to only write when we’re numb? If that’s the case, today I’m defying that expectation. The limitations on when I can write don’t apply to me.

It’s weird to say, but I’ve cried a lot of happy tears — and it feels right. Not because life is perfect or because I’m doing well financially, mentally, or physically. Honestly, it’s quite the opposite.
I went to the temple recently and a monk told me, without knowing any context, that I’m just not doing great right now. Life isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. It’s chaotic. And some days feel really discouraging.

But every day, I still wake up and try. I try to be optimistic. I try to be patient. I try to put myself in other people’s shoes even when they don’t do the same for me. I try to understand people — their pain, their losses, their journeys.
But the world doesn’t always return the favor.
People act like I don’t hurt.
Like I don’t need help.
Like I don’t need love or support.

That’s why I feel like life has made me colder, more guarded, more emotionless. Wearing my heart on my sleeve only gave people the opportunity to exploit it, to root for my downfall, to watch and wait for me to fall apart.
It hurts.
It really hurts.
But even in the deepest darkness, I can still see such a beautiful life for myself.

I don’t need perfection.
I don’t need every day to be “great.”
I just need it to be a little better than today.

I’m okay with bad news, with loss, with hardships.
I don’t need to win every single battle.
But the war?
The war, I have to win.

Nothing in this life is free — and I know that.
I accept that.

Sometimes when things get rough, you just want to run away.
You don’t know where you’re going — you just go.
You go to create distance from everything that makes you question yourself.
You go to realize that maybe it’s not you that’s the problem.

Maybe they want me to be the problem so badly that they have spent their entire existence trying to make me into something I’m not.
I can admit when I’m wrong about many things.

I didn’t have a perfect childhood.
But I was always curious. I was always excited.

And just because I’m feminine and want to be loved and cared for, doesn’t mean I want to drain people of their love, their resources, or their spirit.
People misunderstand that about me.
They decide I’m the problem — and then they twist every action, every word, every mistake — to fit the narrative they already created.

They are merciless about it.
They refuse to see me as human.

And that?
That’s something they will have to live with — not me.

It’s okay to walk away from people or situations that don’t serve you.
It’s okay to create distance to find clarity.
And sometimes, with time and reflection, they’ll realize they were the problem all along — not me.

This isn’t just for me.
This is for whoever is reading:
whether you are a police officer, a judge, a mediator, a grocery store worker, a receptionist, a claims manager, an HR manager, a doctor, a nurse, a surgeon, a dentist —
At the end of the day, we are all just human beings.

We are all learning.
We are all battling unseen wars.

It’s okay to forgive.
It’s okay to show grace.
But it’s also okay to draw boundaries.
It’s okay to protect your heart.

The world has capitalized enough on my silence.
They’ve turned fantasies, assumptions, and lies into “truths” simply because I didn’t fight back loud enough.

But no amount of documentation, evidence, or witnesses can change a person’s perception once they have decided who you are in their mind.
That’s their burden to carry.
Not mine.

Judgment comes easy when you’re looking through a tiny, foggy window with no understanding of the full story.
But things change every single day.

And I still have hope — hope that one day, people will realize it’s more important to just be human than to be “right.”

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Healing, narcissist, Parenthood, Self Reflection

Dear Diary, I see a life full of light and love and purpose—

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

if I keep going.

This past week felt like I was caught in the eye of a storm—chaotic, overwhelming, and nonstop. My plate wasn’t just full; it was overflowing. And somehow, in the middle of pouring into everyone else, I forgot to feed myself—literally and figuratively. I found myself running on nothing. Not even fumes. The cup I was trying to pour from? It wasn’t just empty—it was bone dry. Not a mist, not a drop, not even a trace of H2O.

Over the weekend, my body finally waved the white flag. I hit a wall—fatigue so intense it physically stopped me from helping in a moment I knew mattered. That shook me. It was my wake-up call. A message from my soul saying, “You can’t keep going like this.”

Why do we believe we need to suffer to prove our strength? Why do we think showing up for everyone else at the cost of ourselves is noble? It’s not. I’m learning that honoring my needs and nurturing my well-being isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. Because the love I give, the support I offer, the light I try to be… none of that can exist if I’m running on empty.

When you’re not well, you’re not happy. That’s the truth. And yes, I’ve been taking steps—my vitamins, my iron, being patient with myself—but I’ve also been silently rushing. Not on the outside, but internally, it’s like my spirit is racing at 100 mph. And the thing is, when you’re speeding for so long at a steady pace, you don’t even realize how fast you’re going… until you crash.

I don’t want to crash anymore. I don’t want to live in a loop of burnout and recovery. I want peace. I want balance. And I’m learning—truly learning—that healing is not linear. It doesn’t respond to deadlines. It doesn’t answer to urgency. It requires surrender.

Lately, I’ve felt like time is either flying or frozen. Things feel like they’re happening way too fast and yet, not fast enough. But I get it now—that’s just the illusion stress creates. It disconnects us from the moment and steals the joy that could’ve existed in the now.

Sleep doesn’t even feel like rest anymore. Even when I get enough hours, I wake up just as tired. Because my mind is still holding tension, still running scenarios, still trying to control the uncontrollable. I haven’t been letting go… but I need to.

Because no matter how heavy life gets, it’s never the end. I’ve been through enough storms to know that somehow, some way, I always make it through. It might not look perfect. It might not be pretty. But I survive. I rise. And now, more than ever, I’m learning to just take it day by day, hour by hour.

To live in the now.
To breathe through the chaos.
To rest without guilt.

Because I believe in my future. I see a life full of light and love and purpose—if I keep going. If I don’t give up. If I stay rooted in my “why.” And my why will always be my children. I want them to see me stable. At peace. Thriving. Not stressed and stretched thin.

They remind me often, in their own way, that I’m strong. That I find a way, always. And even when it’s not perfect—it’s enough. And maybe that’s what life really is: not about getting it all right, but simply choosing not to give up.

I refuse to let pride or ego tell me I don’t belong, or that this is the end of my story. Because it’s not. My life is just beginning. And I’ll begin again as many times as I need to—until I get it right.

Posted in Akira, Amy Douangmany, Ariyah, Malynah, Maylana, Parenthood, Self Reflection, Travel

Dear Diary, The answer is always the same.

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

My children.

It amazes me sometimes—this quiet connection I have with the world when I go live. It’s as if souls I’ve never met are reaching out, asking me, “What’s on your mind?”
What do I think about when I’m in the shower…
When I’m lying in bed with the weight of the day heavy on my chest…
When silence finally wraps around me?

The answer is always the same.
My children.
I wonder if they truly know how much I love them.
I hope they feel it, even in the moments when I can’t be everything they need.
Even when I’m silently fighting to become more than the version of me they see.

Sometimes I think—I’ve been asleep. Not in a literal way, but in the way that dreams die when you stop chasing them.
I’ve been sleeping on my potential.
Not because I don’t believe in it,
but because somewhere along the way, pain became familiar.
I settled into survival… and called it home.

I won’t lie—getting back up is terrifying.
After so many setbacks, staying down started to feel safe.
But I can’t stay here, not anymore.
Not when their future is calling me forward.
Not when my own soul is begging me to rise.

I’m doing this for them.
But also, for the woman I used to dream of becoming.

I could stay where it’s comfortable, where no one expects too much of me.
But I want more.
More joy, more peace, more sunsets on beaches and laughter in warm kitchens.
More moments where I’m fully alive, not just breathing.

I’m too young to waste my light.
Too full of untold stories, unshaken dreams, and unspoken love.

There is so much beauty still waiting for me.
Vacations not yet taken, memories not yet made.
And the thought of holding my babies close under Christmas lights or running through waves in the summer—
That’s enough to keep me going.

I’m not where I want to be…
But I’m not where I used to be either.

And that, dear diary,
is the beginning of everything.

— Me