Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Romance, Self Reflection

🧶🎨🪁🪀🎱 Dear Diary, I crave the freedom to be vulnerable,

to confide without fear of judgment or misunderstanding.

As the clock ticked to 11:11 PM, today unfolded far from the ideal day I had envisioned. With a spark of optimism, I ventured downtown, aiming to find solace at the downtown gym. The allure of its pristine sauna and steam room, reserved exclusively for women, promised a sanctuary of cleanliness and privacy. I went between the sauna and steam room and have been reading the latest version of 48 Laws of Power.

I enjoyed the comforting steam. A wave of anxiety engulfed me. Quarrelsome thoughts churned within, prompting a sobering realization: anxiety had become an unwelcome companion, nudging me to relearn the art of inner peace.

It’s a struggle I know I don’t endure alone. My heart aches for those navigating similar turbulent seas. Yearning for stability and structure, I crave the freedom to be vulnerable, to confide without fear of judgment or misunderstanding.

In my quest for that elusive connection, I seek a beacon of support, a pillar to lean on during life’s tempests. Though I pride myself on strength and independence, there are moments when the weight of it all becomes too much to bear. In those moments, I long for just one person, someone I can trust implicitly.

One person, to whom I can bare my soul, unburden my fears, and find solace in the embrace of understanding and kindness. Just one person, to journey alongside me through life’s rough patches, offering a steady hand and a compassionate heart.

As the clock struck 11:23 PM, a pang of longing swept over me for Chase. Our bond felt profound, a sanctuary where I found solace and security. There was this endearing ritual between us, a silent exchange of love as I gently placed my hand over his paw or placing his paws over my hand, transmitting affection without words. Love that was telepathic and real.

Yet, the more I nurtured, the more I seemed to lose. It puzzled me, akin to the paradox of sand slipping through clenched fists. I wasn’t holding too tightly, just enough to cherish, yet everything I cherished slipped away.

It’s a poignant ache, navigating through the debris of shattered aspirations, yearning for support that seems elusive. My heart sank as my phone buzzed, only to find it was my dad, a beacon of unwavering love. His call to inquire about me and my sister’s birthdays brought a flicker of joy.

My dad truly is an incredible person. He mentioned not having gifts but offering birthday money instead. While I’m tempted to decline, I always accept because I know it brings him joy.

It’s often the smallest gestures that bring me the greatest joy, like receiving a heartfelt birthday card with a personal message. It doesn’t have to come with a lavish gift or money; the sentiment alone is enough to brighten my day. Sadly, many people overlook the value of simplicity and fail to appreciate the treasure found in these little acts of kindness. Birthdays, once a celebration, now feel like markers of time passing. Birthdays may no longer evoke the same excitement, and relationships may feel fraught with challenges, but within these struggles lies the opportunity to cherish the moments of genuine connection and kindness.

Relationships, once promising and beautiful, now feel like doomed endeavors, constantly besieged by unseen forces. Each sabotage cuts deep, revealing how much those connections truly meant to me. It’s as if empathy and support have become foreign concepts, leaving me feeling adrift and compelled to self-destruct.

Whether it’s the relentless march of time or the whims of fate, I refuse to be a casualty of circumstances beyond my control. All I yearn for is a sanctuary where I can simply exist without the weight of the world crushing down upon me.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection

🍊📚🐦🙏🏼🍃 Dear Diary, I can’t help but anticipate

the joys that await me in the days ahead.

The day draped itself in tranquility, casting a serene ambiance around me. Nestled in this moment, I sense a profound readiness to detach from the hustle and bustle of the world.

There’s a longing for solitude within me, a craving to sever the ties that bind me to distractions, people, and obligations that don’t align with my current pursuits.

My body whispers tales of exertion, a testament to the rigorous workouts endured over the past few days. Each muscle reverberates with the echoes of effort, a symphony of soreness echoing through my being. There’s a sense of satisfaction in maintaining a consistent fitness routine, exploring various exercise equipment to sculpt and strengthen every sinew.

Reflecting on past indulgences, memories of massages and body scrubs surface, unveiling the hidden recesses of my physique that yearn for attention. It’s a revelation that prompts me to delve deeper into self-care rituals, rediscovering the therapeutic embrace of saunas, steam rooms, and jacuzzis. The promise of relaxation beckons, intertwined with the allure of leisurely cocktails and nocturnal jaunts through lively bars.

Amidst this tapestry of self-discovery, a longing for intellectual nourishment emerges. With eager anticipation, I prepare to retreat to my reading nook, eager to lose myself in the pages of books that promise adventure, wisdom, and escapism. It’s a sanctuary where time stands still, allowing me to bask in the solace of my own company, away from the clamor of the outside world.

But beyond the realms of personal indulgence, there’s a palpable excitement bubbling within me, fueled by the prospect of new endeavors waiting on the horizon. It’s a yearning for redemption, a determination to transcend past shortcomings and embrace a brighter future. Recognizing the subtle influence of toxic environments and individuals, I vow to safeguard my energy and space, shielding myself from the insidious tendrils of negativity.

As I make my way homeward, a refreshing smoothie from Pressed in hand, I can’t help but anticipate the joys that await me in the days ahead. With plans to soak in the warm embrace of sunshine and nourish my body with hydration, the weekend promises a bounty of blissful moments to savor. Indeed, there’s an undeniable sense of optimism in the air, a conviction that this year holds boundless opportunities for growth, joy, and fulfillment.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Ariyah, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection, Travel

🌟  Dear Diary, With the clock striking 11:11 p.m., I make a wish,

a silent invocation for abundance and fulfillment, both material and emotional.

As the day transitions into the serene embrace of the night, the weather outside whispers of tranquility and possibility. Yet, within the confines of my mind, a storm brews, as if I have awakened with a predisposition towards conflict. Amidst the tumult of my thoughts, understanding feels elusive, like grasping at mist in the early morning light.

Nevertheless, I resign myself to the enigma, recognizing perhaps it’s akin to a bond, an intangible tether that binds me to the mysteries of my own psyche. Despite the uncertainty, there’s a sense of attachment, an invisible thread weaving through the fabric of existence, drawing me inexorably forward.

Anticipation swells within me like a rising tide. The prospect of travel ignites a spark of excitement, prompting me to commit wholeheartedly to my plans. Setting aside a substantial sum, I envision myself wandering the vibrant streets of Los Angeles, indulging in leisurely brunches, and witnessing the celestial ballet of sunrise and sunset, all while nestled with a book in hand, perhaps accompanied by a piña colada.

My gaze falls upon my temples, now more pronounced, a subtle reminder of the passage of time. Yet, in their prominence, I find a certain charm, reminiscent of a beloved figure—my grandfather—with his endearing dimples. Though frailty shadows his form, his spirit remains a beacon of admiration, a testament to resilience in the face of life’s adversities.

Reflecting on familial bonds, my thoughts drift to the unspoken burdens borne by mothers, grappling with the elusive pursuit of love amidst the chaos of life. While some may find solace in romantic fortunes, for others, such aspirations remain distant dreams, overshadowed by the weight of circumstance.

Glimmers of joy beckon like distant stars in the night sky. The prospect of a pilgrimage to Disney World fills me with childlike delight, while the allure of a simple yet elegant leaf necklace becomes a tangible goal, a symbol of personal indulgence amidst life’s demands.

Turning inward, I find solace in the rituals of self-care, a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. With each gentle caress of skincare, I find myself shielded from the ravages of time, a fortress against the inexorable march of age.

A somber note intrudes—a loved one, Ariyah, grappling with the cruel specter of cancer. Her battle became my own, a reminder of the fragility of life and the importance of empathy in the face of adversity.

As the night wears on, I eschew the trappings of makeup, reveling in the purity of bare skin. With the clock striking 11:11 p.m., I make a wish, a silent invocation for abundance and fulfillment, both material and emotional.

In this moment of reflection, I embrace the promise of the future, welcoming the unknown with open arms.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Romance, Self Reflection

🌎🎈🪡💘 🐳 Dear Diary, In my world, respect, trust, and honesty reign supreme

while chaos and uncertainty are banished to the shadows.

Yesterday morning, a torrent of emotions surged through my mind like a tempestuous sea. It’s a peculiar sensation, this incessant fixation on You, an unwelcome guest in the chambers of my thoughts. Yet, within this turmoil, a flicker of gratitude emerges, faint but undeniable. Our journey, fraught with trials and tribulations, unfolds like a worn-out tapestry, its threads frayed and faded, yet still clinging to a semblance of meaning.

It’s perplexing, really, how our perspectives diverge, unable to meet at a common vantage point. Everything appears hazy and indistinct, like the lingering remnants of a dream. What it is exactly, I cannot fathom, but its presence looms over me, casting shadows of uncertainty.

In the stillness of the night, a different narrative unfolds, weaving threads of introspection and revelation. The more we resist, the more entangled we become, ensnared in the very web we seek to escape. Love, once pursued with fervor, now eludes me like a fleeting shadow, its allure diminished by the weight of reality.

Vulnerability, a sacred offering bestowed upon the worthy, becomes a precarious tightrope walk between intimacy and insecurity. The struggle is real, the battle against mismatched desires and divergent paths, a perpetual dance of missed steps and misplaced beats.

Exhaustion settles like a heavy shroud, a testament to the relentless pursuit of productivity and fulfillment. The dichotomy of gendered emotions surfaces, challenging preconceived notions and societal norms. Love, a precious commodity, comes at a cost too steep to bear, its currency measured in heartache and disillusionment.

The prospect of growth, of embarking on new adventures untethered by the whims of others, fills me with anticipation. In my world, respect, trust, and honesty reign supreme, while chaos and uncertainty are banished to the shadows.

And yet, despite the chasm that separates us, a lingering sadness persists, a reminder of what could have been. The realization dawns like a bitter truth, casting a pall over my weary soul. In the depths of despair, a flicker of resilience remains, a testament to the indomitable spirit within.

In the quiet solitude of 3:05 AM, amidst the ebb and flow of emotions, a simple truth emerges. Sometimes, our favorite places change, just as our favorite people do, leaving us adrift in a sea of uncertainty.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection

🌻🥧☀️🌡📦 Dear Diary, The air carries a gentle warmth

inviting relaxation and a sense of serenity.

Under the radiant Sacramento sky, with temperatures soaring to a delightful 76 degrees, every moment feels like a blissful escape from the hustle and bustle of city life. The air carries a gentle warmth, inviting relaxation and a sense of serenity.

After completing my spring cleaning rituals, I carefully stow away my winter attire, making space for the vibrant array of floral summer dresses awaiting their moment in the sun.

It’s easy to overlook the subtle risks we face daily. As time drifts by, a sudden wave of dizziness washes over me, prompting a moment of confusion. Fatigue, hunger, or perhaps mere exhaustion crosses my mind, but the sensation persists, hinting at something more serious. With a cautious resolve, I rise from my seat and make my way to the door, eager to escape the stifling heat of the sauna.

While saunas offer a myriad of health benefits, including detoxification, it’s crucial to acknowledge the delicate balance between indulgence and overexertion. Like any indulgence, an excess of sauna time can lead to overheating and even fainting, underscoring the importance of moderation in all aspects of life.

Reflecting on this, I’m reminded of the universal truth that too much of anything, be it water, affection, or selflessness, can have detrimental effects. As I yearn for a tranquil environment to simply exist, I’m reminded of the necessity of maintaining equilibrium and prioritizing self-care.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection

🐱🍞🧀🥑🧋Dear Diary, No one talks about what happens

when the adrenaline of survival fades away.

In the stillness of 1:38 AM, when the world is hushed and the chaos of survival subsides, a rare moment emerges for contemplation. Here, in this silent sanctuary, the floodgates of grief open, allowing for reflection upon the mishandlings of the past. Perspectives shift as the harsh realities come into focus, urging a more pragmatic outlook.

No one talks about what happens when the adrenaline of survival fades away. Let me shed light on it. In the tranquility of silence, I find space to grieve and ponder the mishandling of situations. It’s in these moments that my perspective shifts, prompting a more grounded and realistic understanding of things.

The pursuit of personal fulfillment becomes the demands of others, leading to the systematic dismantling of one’s security, stability, and happiness. Countless battles waged silently, hidden from the world’s gaze, met with indifference or hostility from those who wish to see defeat rather than resilience.

There were countless moments when I felt defeated, yet no one knew the struggles I faced. It seemed like others were rooting for my failure, unable to bear the idea of my success. I struggle to understand why we can’t support each other and strive for the best together. I believe in divine timing—what’s meant for you will come to you. If you’re sincere and dedicated, obstacles won’t hinder your path to success.

I link my Bluetooth to the Harmon Kardon speaker and cue up music from my Amazon Likes playlist. While my little chefs prepare breakfast, I attend to the household chores, folding blankets into makeshift beds. The laughter of children in the kitchen—offers a fleeting respite from the storm. The weather is lovely, prompting me to open the blinds and sliding door to let in the fresh air. However, my gaze falls upon my cat’s cage outside, a lingering reminder of a task I’ve been struggling to complete. I hope to dismantle it soon and rid myself of its presence.

A visit to the temple, Wat Phosiesattanak, in hopes of encountering my father, only to find he has already departed, brings a sense of belonging, a connection to heritage and community. I tuned in with the familiar sights and sounds. Nevertheless, we indulge in Thai tea and cultural foods, relishing the sense of belonging among familiar faces. This is as connected as I’ll ever be with anyone, just the surface level. Can’t go deep because I don’t want to get caught up in the whirlwind. On the surface level, I can satisfy my needs for H2O, Vitamin D, and Vitamin Me.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, parenting, Uncategorized

🤕🏥🪻🏝👒 Dear Diary, Taking a step back to focus on self-care

seems imperative now.

At 1:22 AM, I find myself reflecting on my current state. I’m munching on some leftovers from yesterday, a stark reminder of the scarcity of food I intake, which likely explains my persistent hunger and restlessness. I’ve been struggling to sleep, resorting to forcing myself into a state of rest. Recognizing the need for a dietary boost, I contemplate stocking up on nutritional and protein shakes to support my health and hopefully restore my equilibrium.

Today, my oldest daughter’s words of encouragement resonated deeply. Her assurance that I am organized provided a soothing balm for my frayed nerves. Her perspective reminds me that my stresses are but specks in the grand scheme of things. Recent interactions with my daughter, Maylana, have revealed a protective streak within her, a testament to the depth of our bond.

I yearn for respite from this perpetual state of stress and exhaustion. Taking a step back to focus on self-care seems imperative now. My children, meanwhile, were off exploring the world at Turks & Caicos over the weekend, and my youngest is still out of state returning by the week’s end. Their tales of adventure consist of hermit crabs, snorkeling, and days and days of swimming in the clear waters on the beautiful island, collecting sea shells and watching the sunset.

Today’s interactions include a café sit-in for coffee and a shared cooking session with my oldest daughter later in the evening. Navigating the complexities of relationships weighs heavily on my mind.

Communication, patience, and mutual respect are paramount traits I strive to embody in my interactions with loved ones. Despite setbacks and frustrations, I persevere, cherishing the journey of life.

Posted in Akira, Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, parenting, Self Reflection

🦋🥛🎡🌄📷 Dear Diary, Today unfolded as a day of introspection and gratitude.

Despite grappling with the challenges of aging,

I found solace in the inner peace and youthful spirit that still resided within me. Though my body and mind may undergo changes, I’ve come to accept and embrace the natural progression of life. In a society fixated on concealing signs of aging through cosmetic means, I advocate for a different approach – one that prioritizes inner contentment and confidence.

Reflecting on my influence on others, I’m humbled by the impact I’ve had on those around me, particularly my loved ones who witness both the highs and lows of my journey. Their appreciation for my outlook on life, characterized by a pursuit of peace, love, and happiness, fills me with gratitude.

The morning brought simple joys as I sat with my daughters, planning breakfast and engaging in a round of card games. Through these activities, I seized the opportunity to impart valuable lessons to my children, teaching them about memory, patience, and the acceptance of both success and failure.

Amidst the rush of daily routines, a tender moment with my youngest daughter, Akira, reminded me of the beauty in simplicity. As I helped my youngest daughter out of the shower and dressed her, we both applied lotion. She looked up at me and uttered those precious words, “Mom, your face looks pretty.” Her heartfelt compliment, one she shares with me often, never fails to touch my heart. It’s a simple gesture that reminds me of the beauty found in the everyday moments of motherhood. Her genuine compliment about my appearance, delivered with innocence and sincerity, touched me deeply. Despite my disheveled state, her words reaffirmed the unconditional love we share.

The experience of using Google often stirs up a range of emotions within me, particularly when old memories resurface – whether they’re from 14 years ago, six years ago, or nine years ago. Recently, I found myself delving into a trove of photos, prompting me to share them with friends. Among those recipients was my best friend, Bao Nguyen Lee, from childhood, with whom I exchanged heartfelt text messages, expressing my deep appreciation for our enduring friendship. It’s moments like these that remind me of the value of lifelong connections and the importance of acknowledging the bonds that have shaped my journey. As I expressed gratitude for her unwavering support, I marveled at the bond shared among us, united by the journey of motherhood and the trials of life.

Overwhelmed by emotions, I found myself immersed in memories and nostalgia, spurred by glimpses of the past through old photographs.

Lately, I’ve been busy crafting meal plans and tackling errands, but I’ve come to realize that these tasks are integral parts of life’s journey. It’s not solely about reaching specific destinations; rather, it’s about embracing the experiences woven into each day – from preparing meals to running errands. Alongside these daily routines, I find joy in sharing the wisdom I’ve accumulated with my loved ones, witnessing their growth and vitality. As I navigate the process of aging, I welcome the evolution of my mindset, ever hopeful that I’ll continue to grow and adapt to life’s ever-changing circumstances.

A glimmer of hope emerged as I contemplated the possibility of finding a true companion – a confidant who understands and accepts me unconditionally. Beyond mere romance, I yearn for a connection rooted in genuine understanding and mutual respect, a bond that transcends the passage of time.

In these moments of reflection, I am reminded of the richness of life’s tapestry, woven with threads of love, friendship, and personal growth. As I continue on this journey, I remain hopeful for the enduring companionship and meaningful connections that lie ahead.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, Healing, Self Reflection

🚿 💭 🛌 ❤️‍🩹💇🏻‍♀️ Dear Diary, In a moment of clarity, a realization dawned upon me,

and with a resolute decision, I determined that a transformation was necessary—a shedding of the old self to embrace the new.

Though I remain adorned with wisdom, knowledge, kindness, goodness, self-awareness, and accountability, I yearned for a fresh iteration of myself.

As I stood beneath the cascading water of the shower, time seemed to stretch infinitely, each droplet washing away the remnants of my former self. With meticulous care, I attended to my grooming, a ritual of self-care and renewal. It became apparent that when my external appearance faltered, my inner state followed suit, leaving me feeling less than my best.

Days spent confined to the sanctuary of my bed revealed the interconnectedness of physical and emotional well-being. Each ache of the body mirrored the pains of the heart, amplifying the urgency of my quest for transformation. In the solace of introspection, I recognized the necessity of nurturing both body and soul to achieve harmony and fulfillment in the journey towards self-discovery.

Posted in Amy Douangmany

🌏🪫🎧🎢🧘🏻‍♀️ Dear Diary, I’m Embracing Life’s Roller Coaster: Navigating Challenges and Cherishing Moments

Dear Diary,

These past weeks have been deeply introspective for me. It’s challenging to articulate, but the world’s harshness has left me questioning everything. Despite not harboring a victim mentality, I’m open to the idea of karma or life’s lessons. It’s been far from a linear journey; more like an adventurous roller coaster where peaks and falls blur together. Maybe it’s time to stop overthinking and simply savor the present. Finding solace in simple moments feels profound, especially when shared with someone special—a genuine companionship, a safe haven in this chaotic world.

But with every gain, there’s a price: maintenance, expenses, emotional investment, the risk of vulnerability. Yet, isn’t it all worth it? These thoughts rush through me as I reflect at 12:41 AM. I haven’t dedicated enough time to my passions or fitness regimen, so now, I’m jotting down my goals. It’s daunting to step out of my comfort zone, but perhaps taking small, deliberate steps is the answer.

Time is precious, and I don’t want to waste it feeling unfulfilled. Meaningful connections with a select few sustain me. I must embrace change gradually, recognizing that everything takes time. The infinity roller coaster of life never stops, and I want to keep it well-maintained. Being proactive and grateful for what I have is crucial; there’s much I can’t control or foresee, but I can work on myself and cherish the journey.