My mind has been racing and I have never wanted to do a brain dump so badly. After 2 failed attempts at writing last night, I gave up and like Beyoncé to Hova, I shined like a star. Sometimes people don’t understand that just because we lost the last game, we’re not ultimately at a loss. That’s never the case. As long as you’re alive, you can get back in the game anytime. I was on a winning streak and whoever was on my team couldn’t hold up, that’s all. It’s okay, I got you, and I’ll try to hold it down for you. When you lose, we lose, remember that and vice versa. You can try to remain undefeated but every player has his or her limits. You just have to take a break, rest, recover and come back when you’re ready don’t push yourself too hard.
This is my first time coming to the gym so late. I guess it’s a single living thing, I’ve been in such long-term relationships that all ended with engagements but there’s no white dress, yet. The time currently reads 8:56 PST. It feels good to be here. I wanted to dip in the jacuzzi and let my body reap the benefits of this gym membership but I can’t seem to find any of my many swimsuits. I didn’t anticipate that the weather and my needs would change so drastically. At one point my goal was to find true love and get married this year, now I just sit and laugh. I’m re-prioritizing my goals in life.
When I picked up my daughter from a long weekend at her dad’s, she seemed to be feeling well. Her eyes had a sparkle in them, she made eye contact with me and held it. She completely adores me and I love her with all my heart. I wanted her to grow up with both parents but we’re going down separate paths and doing our best to appreciate life apart with a new approach. Some things are inevitable. Communication is key but no matter how strong you or both of you may be, connections die and sometimes you’re no longer in alignment. Complicated is an understatement.
By 3:00 am I woke up to her crying and after giving her multiple reassurances to go back to sleep something seemed off. I later discovered that she had some kind of stomach bug over the weekend. When I turned on the lights, I realized that she vomited all over her bedding and was very uncomfortable.
Unlike men who can vomit loudly, abruptly and not to mention violently, children’s vomit is fairly quiet and in short, unfair. Again, I’ve had my share of many things in life. As an advocate and mother of a toddler who was diagnosed with ATRT brain cancer at age 22 months, I cleaned a lot of bodily fluids.
It may sound like a chore, but it wasn’t because when you love someone unconditionally, especially your child, you don’t think about yourself. You only think about them. What can I do to make my child feel safer, more secure, and better? It’s simple, just like what we look for in relationships nowadays. We look for reassurance, understanding, help when we’re sick, and zero judgments. Love.
I cleaned her up, sanitized her hands, face and removed all of the contaminated bedding, and laid her back down to rest. My poor child, I would exchange places with her if that were ever an option. I lay in bed and felt awful. My mind tried to jog back to when my dear Ariyah was sick, damn- we live in a cruel and unpredictable world. Everything was copacetic, who would have thought an illness could get out of hand and change our lives in the blink of an eye?
I redirected myself to rest but it was impossible. I lay there, listening to the sounds of the rain on my Alexa echo dot. Baby girl comes in, she declares that she needs to brush her teeth. I helped her rinse her mouth instead, my previous research highly advised against brushing her teeth after vomiting because you might contaminate her enamel with bacteria. Please confirm, I’m not a professional and I still brush my teeth post vomiting, twice if that helps.
To have to hold a job, pay for everything on your own without any support, and strive to maintain a certain lifestyle and family dynamic is something I make look so easy. I barely get 5 hours of sleep sometimes. I have grown to enjoy life as it is. So many people aren’t comfortable with who they are and they haven’t gone through the healing process after experiencing a multitude of trauma. I’ve had my share of life changes and readjustments since March last year and it feels like it’s just life’s karma. I keep my head up and I cry at times because it does get overwhelming but I have never been happier at the end of the day to be a mother to all of my children including my slightly estranged stepchildren.
A wave of nausea hit her, she showed signs of panic and anxiety. As the feeling tried to convert into actions, she grew upset and hit her stomach. My heart broke. My sweetheart, my dear child. I grabbed the empty waste bin and encouraged her to “spit” it out. I continued to tell her that it was okay and that I will help her. She cried. I pulled her into my arms and gave her a big hug and gently kissed her forehead. I cleaned her up and by 4:00 am, she fell asleep, she couldn’t hold down much water and was exhausted. I stayed up until my girls started waking up for school at 5:45 am.
Life is worth living, I don’t want to miss out on my children’s growth. I have always wanted a large family. I recall being in a girl’s group back in high school, we circled each other ate our lunches chatting, and asked questions about our “future”. One of which the question was how many children we wanted, and my answer was 6. My children will forever have my heart, my guidance, and my support. I’m so blessed and grateful to have them in my life. They continue to fill the void in my heart, and their innocence keeps me optimistic, loving, and nurturing.
I have finished my cycling, so it’s time to wrap up this blog entry by giving recognition to those who are parents as well as those who have and don’t have parents. In general, everyone is inclusive. You are doing great, I’m proud of you. Life isn’t easy, keep your head up, change is constant, and keep pushing forward. Nothing- the good, the bad, the stillness- none of these moments are permanent. Stay optimistic, what’s yours in life will come to you when it’s your turn. Timing is everything. Be patient, keep loving, keep healing, and live a life without judgment. ✨️ Good night, sweet dreams.
Dear Diary, 