Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, parenting

🤮✍️🦋🌬🧸 Dear Diary,  I’m hoping my writer’s block is gone.

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

My mind has been racing and I have never wanted to do a brain dump so badly. After 2 failed attempts at writing last night, I gave up and like Beyoncé to Hova, I shined like a star. Sometimes people don’t understand that just because we lost the last game, we’re not ultimately at a loss. That’s never the case. As long as you’re alive, you can get back in the game anytime. I was on a winning streak and whoever was on my team couldn’t hold up, that’s all. It’s okay, I got you, and I’ll try to hold it down for you. When you lose, we lose, remember that and vice versa. You can try to remain undefeated but every player has his or her limits. You just have to take a break, rest, recover and come back when you’re ready don’t push yourself too hard.

This is my first time coming to the gym so late. I guess it’s a single living thing, I’ve been in such long-term relationships that all ended with engagements but there’s no white dress, yet. The time currently reads 8:56 PST. It feels good to be here. I wanted to dip in the jacuzzi and let my body reap the benefits of this gym membership but I can’t seem to find any of my many swimsuits. I didn’t anticipate that the weather and my needs would change so drastically. At one point my goal was to find true love and get married this year, now I just sit and laugh. I’m re-prioritizing my goals in life.

When I picked up my daughter from a long weekend at her dad’s, she seemed to be feeling well. Her eyes had a sparkle in them, she made eye contact with me and held it. She completely adores me and I love her with all my heart. I wanted her to grow up with both parents but we’re going down separate paths and doing our best to appreciate life apart with a new approach. Some things are inevitable. Communication is key but no matter how strong you or both of you may be, connections die and sometimes you’re no longer in alignment. Complicated is an understatement.

By 3:00 am I woke up to her crying and after giving her multiple reassurances to go back to sleep something seemed off. I later discovered that she had some kind of stomach bug over the weekend. When I turned on the lights, I realized that she vomited all over her bedding and was very uncomfortable.

Unlike men who can vomit loudly, abruptly and not to mention violently, children’s vomit is fairly quiet and in short, unfair. Again, I’ve had my share of many things in life. As an advocate and mother of a toddler who was diagnosed with ATRT brain cancer at age 22 months, I cleaned a lot of bodily fluids.

It may sound like a chore, but it wasn’t because when you love someone unconditionally, especially your child,  you don’t think about yourself. You only think about them. What can I do to make my child feel safer, more secure, and better? It’s simple, just like what we look for in relationships nowadays. We look for reassurance, understanding, help when we’re sick, and zero judgments. Love.

I cleaned her up, sanitized her hands, face and removed all of the contaminated bedding, and laid her back down to rest. My poor child, I would exchange places with her if that were ever an option. I lay in bed and felt awful. My mind tried to jog back to when my dear Ariyah was sick, damn- we live in a cruel and unpredictable world. Everything was copacetic, who would have thought an illness could get out of hand and change our lives in the blink of an eye?

I redirected myself to rest but it was impossible. I lay there, listening to the sounds of the rain on my Alexa echo dot. Baby girl comes in, she declares that she needs to brush her teeth. I helped her rinse her mouth instead, my previous research highly advised against brushing her teeth after vomiting because you might contaminate her enamel with bacteria. Please confirm, I’m not a professional and I still brush my teeth post vomiting, twice if that helps.

To have to hold a job, pay for everything on your own without any support, and strive to maintain a certain lifestyle and family dynamic is something I make look so easy. I barely get 5 hours of sleep sometimes. I have grown to enjoy life as it is. So many people aren’t comfortable with who they are and they haven’t gone through the healing process after experiencing a multitude of trauma. I’ve had my share of life changes and readjustments since March last year and it feels like it’s just life’s karma. I keep my head up and I cry at times because it does get overwhelming but I have never been happier at the end of the day to be a mother to all of my children including my slightly estranged stepchildren.

A wave of nausea hit her, she showed signs of panic and anxiety. As the feeling tried to convert into actions, she grew upset and hit her stomach. My heart broke. My sweetheart, my dear child. I grabbed the empty waste bin and encouraged her to “spit” it out. I continued to tell her that it was okay and that I will help her. She cried. I pulled her into my arms and gave her a big hug and gently kissed her forehead. I cleaned her up and by 4:00 am, she fell asleep, she couldn’t hold down much water and was exhausted. I stayed up until my girls started waking up for school at 5:45 am.

Life is worth living, I don’t want to miss out on my children’s growth. I have always wanted a large family. I recall being in a girl’s group back in high school, we circled each other ate our lunches chatting, and asked questions about our “future”. One of which the question was how many children we wanted, and my answer was 6. My children will forever have my heart, my guidance, and my support. I’m so blessed and grateful to have them in my life. They continue to fill the void in my heart, and their innocence keeps me optimistic, loving, and nurturing.

I have finished my cycling, so it’s time to wrap up this blog entry by giving recognition to those who are parents as well as those who have and don’t have parents. In general, everyone is inclusive. You are doing great, I’m proud of you. Life isn’t easy, keep your head up, change is constant, and keep pushing forward. Nothing- the good, the bad, the stillness- none of these moments are permanent. Stay optimistic, what’s yours in life will come to you when it’s your turn. Timing is everything. Be patient, keep loving, keep healing, and live a life without judgment. ✨️ Good night, sweet dreams.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog, parenting

👩‍🍳🐈🍳🍚🌧 Dear Diary, The rainy weather hits differently, it makes me miss someone.

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

Brace yourself because we’re taking a trip back to 6 years, 5 months ago. October 27, 2016.

Riya’s body is feverish and I’m about 2 months post-c-section welcoming another addition to the family, at that time, that was my youngest and my last. But, I eventually brought one more child into the world. That morning I was exhausted. My partner, lover, and friend could barely get up and go to work. A man, a real man, has to provide for his family and we were indeed a family. He says, “Daddy loves you” and moments later I can faintly feel the door close behind him as he made his way out.

I found the Tylenol and gave 5mls to Riya and laid back down to sleep. My body is still recovering and given the fact that I was crying for over 8 hours the day before. On that day, I received the most horrific news I could ever hear and it changed my life too soon.

After spending… time. We cried a lot. Riya was very sick, the day before our departure from Lake Tahoe where we stayed in the mansion overlooking the water, funded by the Ami Brown Club, we noticed Riya’s stomach couldn’t hold food and my heart broke. It was so painful, my heart could explode from my chest feeling the pain I did as a mother. Why. Why does a child, any child, have to go through this?

Riya had it. Of 1,000,000 children under age 3, she was that one. She was diagnosed with ATRT brain cancer on April 22, 2015. Her prognosis was 15% but they were being generous, the realistic prognosis was more like 5% with her life span automatically being shortened to 2 weeks or less depending on when the diagnosis was made.

Here we are, in bed together. Dad had left for work and I hear the doorbell ring. I couldn’t get up, my incision area was still in a lot of pain and the Norcos helped me get by but had me feeling drowsy. I didn’t want to be rude so I called her, she was from hospice. I apologized for missing her at the door and told her I need to rest and Ariyah needs to rest, she was very tired.

I hung up, looked at Ariyah and I woke up. My world shook as I tried to put her on my lap and held her in my arms. I immediately started to search for her pulse. I was panicking and breathing hard, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t feel her pulse or hear it because I was feeling hopeless. There it was, I felt her breath on me.

Ariyah did take her last breath in my arms that morning. I called the nurse and cried my soul out, she was heading back to me. All to just pronounce that my daughter has departed and is in a better place.

What does any parent do in this circumstance? I didn’t know but I expressed myself through tears and silence. I was immediately surrounded by family who offered their condolences and support before I realized it. It was a quiet day, it was cold, in October of 2016.

Transportation arrived after nearly 6 or 8 hours, it was time to have her picked up and she was very fragile.

Mom escorted while Dad carried Ariyah to the vehicle. And then, thunder and lightning flashed and it felt like heaven herself was crying and mourning with us. We had such a lengthy and, heart-quenching journey that we haven’t been able to navigate through these pains together. It rained. It poured. The home was filled with family, so we both excused ourselves. My parents immediately began hosting a wake for their granddaughter. Finally, we’re away, from everyone. We were crying, no words. There were no words worth speaking and for a moment, we felt defeated, our hearts had been crushed

Today it’s raining right now. Earlier today, I received a call from SMUD alerting me regarding the flood and to be prepared. I know these storms are real but I don’t mind entertaining the idea of struggling. Why not? I feel like I’ve struggled a good amount in my life, there are many more painful experiences that I have endured but this one is instilled in me. For life.

Without a doubt, I’m a bit more on the emotional side as of late. The sounds of the rain help me sleep, but the feel of it falling on me and me seeing and feeling it, hurts me, a lot. I started my second dinner before writing my blog and I’m now washing it down with a Sunkist strawberry lemonade soda. Life is short, I want to enjoy these foods and beverages and do my best to maintain good health, good skin, and most importantly, a good heart. That’s it, that’s enough for me. I just want to enjoy life, and feel alive and that is why I’m grateful today. I have yet another day to be better, to love, to live, and to learn.

Whenever you need me, remember, if you have my number, pick up the phone and call me. Phone or fone- in Thai and Lao, means rain. You’re welcome. ☔️

Posted in Blog

🧠🫀👸🎂🍤 Dear Diary, I don’t fear the unknown at all, I always knew what to expect since day one.

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

I have an angel baby in my life, this year she would have turned 10. My oldest daughter turned 11 years old today. I’m at an age that contradicts my physical appearance but age is just a number.

I made reservations for us today but upon her request, they were canceled. That’s my daughter. Humble. She can be a lot but she is always worth it, she wanted to have a crab boil and lots of shrimp so I delivered.

Intuition. I always listen to HER and it seems as if SHE never brings me good news. At a glance, she is a destroyer of dreams, peace, and assurance. Like a tsunami, she comes in and destroys everything within hindsight. She washes it away and here I stand, stronger than ever. Still alive. Ready to rebuild, yet, again. Home is a feeling, that’s it.

I only knew of commitment, longevity, loyalty, and tenderness, and yet I entered a dangerous world by choice and I’m learning each day that the heart is fragile. I will never settle for less.

Love is what keeps us going. My heart gets flooded with feelings of determination on the mornings I’m driving my girls to school and childcare. I take care of my little girls because I love them, without conditions.

I’m excited about my trips this year. I am focused on elevating every aspect and experience in my life. I will eventually find someone to accompany me or vice versa where we complement each other in all aspects.

My daughter called me to check in on me before going to bed, I wished her a happy birthday once more. I can still hear the melody of our cousins singing happy birthday slightly off-sync, then the room goes dark after the candles are blown out.

The darkness lasted for a very short period and that is what it is in life. Darkness can only stay as long as you allow it or welcome it. Such darkness can take away the quality of your life as long as you allow it. So, turn the lights on. Don’t let the darkness consume you, have faith that these waves and these bursts of darkness are acts of faith, all to protect you from bad energy. Only the strong would be able to withstand such storms or darkness.

We all get to choose light, just know that we both can have our lights on at the same time. Yours can be bright but eventually, you’ll want something dimmable. Our life changes are constant, just know that my lights will stay on. I am surrounded by love and that light shines brighter than anything.

Thank you to everyone who’s been giving me ongoing love and support, I’m beyond grateful for you all. I’ve drawn some healthy boundaries for me, for you, for us and I hope we can just live in our light. However, if it ever gets too dark and you need a little bit more light, I got you. I’m solid.

🐝 Seeing you growing and glowing through time is enough purpose for me to keep loving, giving, and accepting the never-ending demands in life. This 10th Chapter is officially closed. Over and out.

Posted in Amy Douangmany, Blog

🤽‍♀️🔏📣👩‍💻📚 Dear Diary, Oh how amazing it would be, to just be her.

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

Too much of anything is bad. Anything. Did you know that you can drink too much water and not be submerged or surrounded by a body of water but still drown? Yes, that’s a fatality that you wouldn’t anticipate and that’s something you don’t learn in school, you learn of these things in time instead of in school.

If you listen close enough, you would be able to hear it loud and clear – resentment. In that tiny narrative voice in your head, while you’re reading or sending that “good morning” text to SOS or “I’m sick” to your boss, your voice is constantly being vocalized one way or another. Although we are not necessarily speaking out loud, we are constantly speaking our thoughts and reading “out loud” in our heads. It sounds so complicated but I assure you, this is not debatable. Silence. The idea of complete utter silence is like a symphony to me. Until that silence is intruded on by my thoughts.

My thoughts tell me that I am anxious and sort of zoning in and out between living in fear. I dread the unknown. The unknown is worthy of dreading and with that, you have to subject yourself to the idea of rejecting your intrusive thoughts by countering the bad with the good. I fear losing myself, my loved ones, and/or people that I see regularly. Be it at work or the familiar faces that I see while I show up at the gym as if it were my runway. I feel like these places, the gym, and work, are like a home to me. I spend a lot of time at these places that aren’t my residence but these places are huge contributors to my health, growth, and development.

I leave these places, the gym, for instance, in pain, completely sore from pushing myself or my job, feeling extremely motivated to be a better person just because I am surrounded by so many amazing people. That’s it. Your job has to be fulfilling and you have to grasp that idea and make it your happy place. I mastered that, I have left my job in distress and in happiness but it’s not the job that causes me these feelings, it’s life. I don’t blame my job for my feelings, that would be unfair. It’s how you perceive things, that’s why it is important to respond rather than react.

Last night my daughter surprised me as she tried to use her 5th-grade vocabulary to describe my writing style. You can see this glow coming from her, she completely adores me and I am here for it. I am turning 25 this year (physically) and I love falling for the idea of being treated with grace, I love being treated like a queen in the family dynamic but if it’s just us, I prefer princess treatment. I have grown to love myself and the journey to reinventing myself has had its ups and down and I am indulging in all of it. I appreciate these lessons and the overall growth. Anywho, let’s get back on track.

She’s smiling, ear to ear but she pauses and tries to collect her words. She started off with my blog title, Dear Diary, ___________. She feels that it is such a captivating title so you must start reading. Like a TikTok, there’s a very small time window that your audience will give you, so, I delivered. She continues to explain that as you start reading, it’s like you’re sitting in front of me but you’re also with me, entering a short movie clip into my life, my head, my heart, and my perspective. You are compelled and can’t stop, not only that, you can’t re-create what I wrote, it requires a full-depth dive into this world of mine that share with you, yet you know so little about my day or what is going on in that beautiful mind of mine. She and I discussed what my long-term goals were when it comes to writing. The goal is simple, to keep writing.

One day, I hope to make something big of it. My handwriting in cursive, calligraphy in its best form, across my hardcover book. Tears of joy pour out from my tear ducts for a moment. I am a writer. I have supporters. I am unique, different, and valuable. We often – more than not – calculate our value by using the measure of success as a guideline. My success will be calculated by how I see and feel about myself and the quality that I put out. Making an impact and having a good and raw influence that is honest and also isn’t necessarily a fairy tale is an ultimate goal. That would make me invaluable.

When I get to and from home safely to arrive at work or the gym, I am always leaving each place with something- a takeaway. A thought, an idea perhaps? And with that, I take control of my life. Being able to choose to do something with disciplined, and wanting to grow and learn is a privilege. I don’t know how I came to be this type of person with this underrated talent but all of my blog entries are encrypted with a more meaningful message or story behind them. Too many for me to know. How fascinating it is to be an idol to your children, to love them, accept them and teach them valuable ideas and knowledge that you are learning and introduce them to a broader mindset at such a prime age.

I am so thankful to have access to these places that I call home. I accept myself and my existence entirely but to be accepted by those who share the same “home” with me, trust me, I see you. I acknowledge your love, trust, and respect. I love our growth, we may not be doing the same exact things even when we share the same home(s) but there is always a common goal, and that is growth and continuous healing. What a beautiful day it is, each and every day. Thank you. Oh my darling, how amazing it would be to just be her. To be me.

Posted in Blog

🚘🥘🐝👁🌧 Dear Diary, let’s take a trip with me today.

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

Imagine you somehow come into the frame of the scene of my ride home with my girls. You would feel instantly how happy I am feeling right in that instance. It’s been a long day and I’m driving us to pick up my prescription. From there, I am heading to Wells Fargo and then, last stop, the clubhouse. I did my deed and now we’re almost home. We stopped by mc Donald’s for dinner. I have been cooking, eating, and sleeping all weekend so my Monday blues took me out all Sunday night until 4 am. Next thing you know, it’s 5:30 am and my girls are passing me by to get into the bathroom to begin their morning routine.

I hope I am not the only one who feels guilty about this, but I aspired to have my life so put together that I can walk my kids to the front gate like a normal person and not look dead tired, stressed, and out of sorts. My biggest issue is fighting for more time in the wrong places. Wanting to read and scroll through TikTok and the online retail therapy access will eventually bankrupt me at this point. That says a lot about how I see life, it’s bad, no point stressing it and, in short, “treat yourself queen!” kind of energy. Yup, I will always take risks, I haven’t been the type to fall and even when I have fallen, there are levels to get to rock bottom and I don’t allow myself to get there ever. I always feel that it’s a short time window before the bad times are over. That is how focused I am on the positive.

Stop. Now focus. We are in the car again, my heart is full. This life is and will always be worth living as long as I have my girls, they are my life and my inspiration. When you want something and you have to get it, lose it, wait, and earn it, you will value such “things” more than others. That is what I would say how I’d define what delayed gratification means. It’s having to wait and accept that you don’t get access or control of the situation but waiting and hoping. 

Besides the fact that today was a complete fail, well, not complete, partial fail – I took my win when my daughter couldn’t keep her eyes off of me. I am a silly mother so I said, “boo!!!?!” and we laughed, I proceeded with, “are you looking at my lashes?” She confessed and expressed her awe at my lash length. That’s right, my lashes were long and I wasn’t wearing falsies or individuals. Thanks to the Loreal mascara “real” model who isn’t an “influencer” so delivered her technique in acquiring a falsies mascara application lash look that shows length and volume. I’m obsessed and can’t wait for my lash comb to arrive. I didn’t realize how simple techniques really can change the game. The techniques don’t even require excessive knowledge or unattainable tools, it requires effort.

I am not a gatekeeper and therefore, I took the time to pull up the video and even silenced my radio for her to hear. I’m so mind-blown that I relate it to life, dating life in particular. I am blown away by the idea of a charismatic, charming, and forthright approach. What a gem it is to put zero effort into dating and just show up as your most authentic self. Make it two.

Posted in Blog

🍡🍜🥩🍽🥧 Contemplating on love.

Posted on by Ms. Amy D

The smell of rain lingers in the air. We’ve been on the move from morning until night. Liking the idea of having company is one thing but loving the actual company of someone is an indescribable feeling.

I’ve been trying to write and was able to jot a few thoughts on my Twitter and in my “burn after writing” journal, but I want to write. Like, really write. I want to document my feelings and be as present as needed. Maturing includes being able to appreciate little things, being in the moment, and allowing ourselves to feel more than we think.

My sweet baby called me, and we chatted. Our conversation was as if she is my equivalent. She’s lived a good decade. Her heart and love are so pure. I feel soft and gentle again after our conversation. I feel like we’re connecting spiritually and perhaps telepathically.

Be kind. Always be kind and loving in this very unforgiving  and unpredictable world. We have so many opportunities awaiting us and so many things in life to appreciate. You just have to look. Pay attention. My mind is racing at a rapid race, but there’s no competition or destination. I just want to feel this way, I feel like I am myself.

I have been searching for myself. I might meet her, the real her sooner than I thought. Just the thought and idea really excites me and motivates me. I appreciate the storm, I see where there are floods and fallen trees as much as I’ve seen red flags. Now, I just need to have the proper eye sight, identifying the toxic and negative people and their energies and take them exactly as who they are, no more, no less. Exactly as how they are being presented.

I want to keep finding her, and when I have her, I will forever be grateful. The final version of her is coming along very nicely, and I don’t want to rush this very crucial process.

Memories of my imperfectly perfect childhood returned to me through SMS from the Douangmany group chat, and I couldn’t help but laugh. I genuinely laughed out loud because I realized that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. We were all living the most beautiful childhood, and family really is everything to me. We value our time and who we share it with differently, but at the end of the day, I just want all the people I know, near and far, to be happy.

I know that’s a lot to ask for with inflation and how the economy is. Feelings of uncertainty fill me up just from thinking about how the chase to financial security will be endless. There’s no finish line when it comes to the race of life. Our timeline in life is also different, so try to love yourself a little bit more. I try to love those around me more openly. It may seem impossible to find peace at being who you are but I am a true believer, the best things don’t necessarily come into your life first or last so when these moments present itself, make sure that you welcome the little luxuries in life with open arms.

You deserve to be happy, you’re been happy many, many times in life, but we define it differently. You just know it, and honestly, I’ve seen every person that I have love for happy at one point in their life. Holidays, birthdays, new purchases, new additions to the family, new job, new home, and new friendships are just a few to name. I am manefesting all the good vibes, happiness, good health, and sense of security to everyone. Being vulnerable and true to yourself should be an ingredient to the recipe of life. Be authentic and give it your all.

There have been numerous times in my life when my love was not reciprocated, and that was when I realized that I needed to double up on the love because they needed it even more. Just don’t empty your cup to fill anyone else because you aren’t required to love yourself less due to other’s inability to reciprocate your love and effort. Love, love, love, and keep loving. We need it more than ever. We need to influence people who love should trump actions that cause insecurities in others. We need to look beyond the physical and identify with souls more than faces. I feel like I am hopeful for a good year. This is my year only if I take accountability.