Brace yourself because we’re taking a trip back to 6 years, 5 months ago. October 27, 2016.
Riya’s body is feverish and I’m about 2 months post-c-section welcoming another addition to the family, at that time, that was my youngest and my last. But, I eventually brought one more child into the world. That morning I was exhausted. My partner, lover, and friend could barely get up and go to work. A man, a real man, has to provide for his family and we were indeed a family. He says, “Daddy loves you” and moments later I can faintly feel the door close behind him as he made his way out.
I found the Tylenol and gave 5mls to Riya and laid back down to sleep. My body is still recovering and given the fact that I was crying for over 8 hours the day before. On that day, I received the most horrific news I could ever hear and it changed my life too soon.
After spending… time. We cried a lot. Riya was very sick, the day before our departure from Lake Tahoe where we stayed in the mansion overlooking the water, funded by the Ami Brown Club, we noticed Riya’s stomach couldn’t hold food and my heart broke. It was so painful, my heart could explode from my chest feeling the pain I did as a mother. Why. Why does a child, any child, have to go through this?
Riya had it. Of 1,000,000 children under age 3, she was that one. She was diagnosed with ATRT brain cancer on April 22, 2015. Her prognosis was 15% but they were being generous, the realistic prognosis was more like 5% with her life span automatically being shortened to 2 weeks or less depending on when the diagnosis was made.
Here we are, in bed together. Dad had left for work and I hear the doorbell ring. I couldn’t get up, my incision area was still in a lot of pain and the Norcos helped me get by but had me feeling drowsy. I didn’t want to be rude so I called her, she was from hospice. I apologized for missing her at the door and told her I need to rest and Ariyah needs to rest, she was very tired.
I hung up, looked at Ariyah and I woke up. My world shook as I tried to put her on my lap and held her in my arms. I immediately started to search for her pulse. I was panicking and breathing hard, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t feel her pulse or hear it because I was feeling hopeless. There it was, I felt her breath on me.
Ariyah did take her last breath in my arms that morning. I called the nurse and cried my soul out, she was heading back to me. All to just pronounce that my daughter has departed and is in a better place.
What does any parent do in this circumstance? I didn’t know but I expressed myself through tears and silence. I was immediately surrounded by family who offered their condolences and support before I realized it. It was a quiet day, it was cold, in October of 2016.
Transportation arrived after nearly 6 or 8 hours, it was time to have her picked up and she was very fragile.
Mom escorted while Dad carried Ariyah to the vehicle. And then, thunder and lightning flashed and it felt like heaven herself was crying and mourning with us. We had such a lengthy and, heart-quenching journey that we haven’t been able to navigate through these pains together. It rained. It poured. The home was filled with family, so we both excused ourselves. My parents immediately began hosting a wake for their granddaughter. Finally, we’re away, from everyone. We were crying, no words. There were no words worth speaking and for a moment, we felt defeated, our hearts had been crushed
Today it’s raining right now. Earlier today, I received a call from SMUD alerting me regarding the flood and to be prepared. I know these storms are real but I don’t mind entertaining the idea of struggling. Why not? I feel like I’ve struggled a good amount in my life, there are many more painful experiences that I have endured but this one is instilled in me. For life.
Without a doubt, I’m a bit more on the emotional side as of late. The sounds of the rain help me sleep, but the feel of it falling on me and me seeing and feeling it, hurts me, a lot. I started my second dinner before writing my blog and I’m now washing it down with a Sunkist strawberry lemonade soda. Life is short, I want to enjoy these foods and beverages and do my best to maintain good health, good skin, and most importantly, a good heart. That’s it, that’s enough for me. I just want to enjoy life, and feel alive and that is why I’m grateful today. I have yet another day to be better, to love, to live, and to learn.
Whenever you need me, remember, if you have my number, pick up the phone and call me. Phone or fone- in Thai and Lao, means rain. You’re welcome. ☔️
Dear Diary, 