Too much of anything is bad. Anything. Did you know that you can drink too much water and not be submerged or surrounded by a body of water but still drown? Yes, that’s a fatality that you wouldn’t anticipate and that’s something you don’t learn in school, you learn of these things in time instead of in school.
If you listen close enough, you would be able to hear it loud and clear – resentment. In that tiny narrative voice in your head, while you’re reading or sending that “good morning” text to SOS or “I’m sick” to your boss, your voice is constantly being vocalized one way or another. Although we are not necessarily speaking out loud, we are constantly speaking our thoughts and reading “out loud” in our heads. It sounds so complicated but I assure you, this is not debatable. Silence. The idea of complete utter silence is like a symphony to me. Until that silence is intruded on by my thoughts.
My thoughts tell me that I am anxious and sort of zoning in and out between living in fear. I dread the unknown. The unknown is worthy of dreading and with that, you have to subject yourself to the idea of rejecting your intrusive thoughts by countering the bad with the good. I fear losing myself, my loved ones, and/or people that I see regularly. Be it at work or the familiar faces that I see while I show up at the gym as if it were my runway. I feel like these places, the gym, and work, are like a home to me. I spend a lot of time at these places that aren’t my residence but these places are huge contributors to my health, growth, and development.
I leave these places, the gym, for instance, in pain, completely sore from pushing myself or my job, feeling extremely motivated to be a better person just because I am surrounded by so many amazing people. That’s it. Your job has to be fulfilling and you have to grasp that idea and make it your happy place. I mastered that, I have left my job in distress and in happiness but it’s not the job that causes me these feelings, it’s life. I don’t blame my job for my feelings, that would be unfair. It’s how you perceive things, that’s why it is important to respond rather than react.
Last night my daughter surprised me as she tried to use her 5th-grade vocabulary to describe my writing style. You can see this glow coming from her, she completely adores me and I am here for it. I am turning 25 this year (physically) and I love falling for the idea of being treated with grace, I love being treated like a queen in the family dynamic but if it’s just us, I prefer princess treatment. I have grown to love myself and the journey to reinventing myself has had its ups and down and I am indulging in all of it. I appreciate these lessons and the overall growth. Anywho, let’s get back on track.
She’s smiling, ear to ear but she pauses and tries to collect her words. She started off with my blog title, Dear Diary, ___________. She feels that it is such a captivating title so you must start reading. Like a TikTok, there’s a very small time window that your audience will give you, so, I delivered. She continues to explain that as you start reading, it’s like you’re sitting in front of me but you’re also with me, entering a short movie clip into my life, my head, my heart, and my perspective. You are compelled and can’t stop, not only that, you can’t re-create what I wrote, it requires a full-depth dive into this world of mine that share with you, yet you know so little about my day or what is going on in that beautiful mind of mine. She and I discussed what my long-term goals were when it comes to writing. The goal is simple, to keep writing.
One day, I hope to make something big of it. My handwriting in cursive, calligraphy in its best form, across my hardcover book. Tears of joy pour out from my tear ducts for a moment. I am a writer. I have supporters. I am unique, different, and valuable. We often – more than not – calculate our value by using the measure of success as a guideline. My success will be calculated by how I see and feel about myself and the quality that I put out. Making an impact and having a good and raw influence that is honest and also isn’t necessarily a fairy tale is an ultimate goal. That would make me invaluable.
When I get to and from home safely to arrive at work or the gym, I am always leaving each place with something- a takeaway. A thought, an idea perhaps? And with that, I take control of my life. Being able to choose to do something with disciplined, and wanting to grow and learn is a privilege. I don’t know how I came to be this type of person with this underrated talent but all of my blog entries are encrypted with a more meaningful message or story behind them. Too many for me to know. How fascinating it is to be an idol to your children, to love them, accept them and teach them valuable ideas and knowledge that you are learning and introduce them to a broader mindset at such a prime age.
I am so thankful to have access to these places that I call home. I accept myself and my existence entirely but to be accepted by those who share the same “home” with me, trust me, I see you. I acknowledge your love, trust, and respect. I love our growth, we may not be doing the same exact things even when we share the same home(s) but there is always a common goal, and that is growth and continuous healing. What a beautiful day it is, each and every day. Thank you. Oh my darling, how amazing it would be to just be her. To be me.
Dear Diary, 