— hope that one day…
They say, “Don’t make decisions when you’re emotional” — whether you’re too happy or too upset. So, is the world expecting us to only write when we’re numb? If that’s the case, today I’m defying that expectation. The limitations on when I can write don’t apply to me.
It’s weird to say, but I’ve cried a lot of happy tears — and it feels right. Not because life is perfect or because I’m doing well financially, mentally, or physically. Honestly, it’s quite the opposite.
I went to the temple recently and a monk told me, without knowing any context, that I’m just not doing great right now. Life isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. It’s chaotic. And some days feel really discouraging.
But every day, I still wake up and try. I try to be optimistic. I try to be patient. I try to put myself in other people’s shoes even when they don’t do the same for me. I try to understand people — their pain, their losses, their journeys.
But the world doesn’t always return the favor.
People act like I don’t hurt.
Like I don’t need help.
Like I don’t need love or support.
That’s why I feel like life has made me colder, more guarded, more emotionless. Wearing my heart on my sleeve only gave people the opportunity to exploit it, to root for my downfall, to watch and wait for me to fall apart.
It hurts.
It really hurts.
But even in the deepest darkness, I can still see such a beautiful life for myself.
I don’t need perfection.
I don’t need every day to be “great.”
I just need it to be a little better than today.
I’m okay with bad news, with loss, with hardships.
I don’t need to win every single battle.
But the war?
The war, I have to win.
Nothing in this life is free — and I know that.
I accept that.
Sometimes when things get rough, you just want to run away.
You don’t know where you’re going — you just go.
You go to create distance from everything that makes you question yourself.
You go to realize that maybe it’s not you that’s the problem.
Maybe they want me to be the problem so badly that they have spent their entire existence trying to make me into something I’m not.
I can admit when I’m wrong about many things.
I didn’t have a perfect childhood.
But I was always curious. I was always excited.
And just because I’m feminine and want to be loved and cared for, doesn’t mean I want to drain people of their love, their resources, or their spirit.
People misunderstand that about me.
They decide I’m the problem — and then they twist every action, every word, every mistake — to fit the narrative they already created.
They are merciless about it.
They refuse to see me as human.
And that?
That’s something they will have to live with — not me.
It’s okay to walk away from people or situations that don’t serve you.
It’s okay to create distance to find clarity.
And sometimes, with time and reflection, they’ll realize they were the problem all along — not me.
This isn’t just for me.
This is for whoever is reading:
whether you are a police officer, a judge, a mediator, a grocery store worker, a receptionist, a claims manager, an HR manager, a doctor, a nurse, a surgeon, a dentist —
At the end of the day, we are all just human beings.
We are all learning.
We are all battling unseen wars.
It’s okay to forgive.
It’s okay to show grace.
But it’s also okay to draw boundaries.
It’s okay to protect your heart.
The world has capitalized enough on my silence.
They’ve turned fantasies, assumptions, and lies into “truths” simply because I didn’t fight back loud enough.
But no amount of documentation, evidence, or witnesses can change a person’s perception once they have decided who you are in their mind.
That’s their burden to carry.
Not mine.
Judgment comes easy when you’re looking through a tiny, foggy window with no understanding of the full story.
But things change every single day.
And I still have hope — hope that one day, people will realize it’s more important to just be human than to be “right.”
Dear Diary, 